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#422869 - 01/21/13 09:54 PM The Beast Within
Ian Alexander Offline


Registered: 12/10/12
Posts: 4
Loc: Arizona
This is something I had written awhile ago! When time passes, things change. Nothing ever stays the same. Everything you once knew can change in an instant. There's nothing that can really change that fact, but nobody can take away your own personal experiences.



Why do I always feel this way? I feel like my whole life has been a lie, and filled with abandonment. Everyone always seems to have it out for me, even the people who seem nice. My world is filled with sorrow and pain. Everything seems like a blur. What is wrong with me? I hate feeling like this.

Life is cold. I'm tired of being this way, it takes everything out of me. I just wish someone would understand me, but everyone seems so busy that they do not have the time to even notice. The world is a cold, dark place...

I am on the lonely streets wondering where to turn. How will I ever be able to release all of this pain that is inside of me? I have strong feelings of anger, anguish, and despair. I have so much resentment against certain people, it's no wonder why no one can see me for who I truly am. I am trying to overcome a lot on my own, but there's so much left to go through. How will I ever be able to do better?

There is not a day that goes by, where I unconsciously wonder what my life could have been if certain things did not happen and I never knew some of the things I had at such a young age. I deserve so much more, but I have feelings within me that are so strong it scares me half to death. There are days that I feel great, but I wonder if I am trying to avoid and hide from things I don't want to face. I never know when "the beast" inside me will just lash out and loose it. It's very mentally draining!

Does anyone even understand how much I have to deal with inside me or the nightmares I have lived through? It's almost like I have 'demons' who want me to do things. Some tell me that I have a lot of people who are out to get me, and that there's no one I can trust. When the world has turned it's back on you, do you turn your back on the world?

I wonder if the way people see me is how I see myself. I am often described as nice, but I feel like a monster. I know there's much potential that I have to give, but my emotional aspect overpowers everything. Maybe no one will get me, but writing allows me to share things with the world to hopefully one day inspire people.

I sometimes say things I don't mean. Once you say it, you can't take it back. What's done is done! I need to learn to forgive and overcome this. There is much more I can do, but things seem to hold me back that I never seem to reach it. Why is that I never can seem to meet others expectations?

Are things always going to be like this? I want things to change, but there's nowhere to turn. I would do anything to just be noticed, just to be heard. I am screaming out for help. I am hurting so bad, and I don't know how much more I can take.

Time is ticking and I'm not getting any younger. Years of holding things inside, holding pain and anger that has literally haunted me time after time. It seems as though I am possessed by "demons" just waiting to come out and destroy every positive thing that I am and that I want to become.

It doesn't help being reminded of such things, especially at night. My nightmares cause me to relive past events and see familiar faces. I can't take it anymore! I imagine leaving the past where it belongs, but what holds me back? From all those who seem to have negatively affected me in one way or another... All I know is that they have moved on, and I still haven't.

I just want to shed all the bad "demons" (thoughts, feelings, memories) that have haunted me for so long. I'm ready to move on, and to forgive all those who I have allowed to torture me for years now. They once were my enemies, but I have become the worst one.

I can't hold myself back anymore....

There's so many things I dream of having in life. But all I know is that I will continue dreaming if I stay on this side of the track.

I realize that valuable and precious time is slowly leaving me behind. Some of my pivotal years of my life were stolen from me, and my path seemed completely out of my control. I have always been open to new possibilities and changing who I am to live a fulfilling and productive life. But at what cost will that take?



Ones choices or decisions can lead someone else to get caught up in situations not necessarily meant for them. Low self-esteem can cause a person to use psychological and emotional manipulation tactics on someone else. This can make the victim feel vulnerable and potentially dependent on the other person, even without the realization of what is really happening to them. Fears can hold one back, until they decide it's time to release a balloon into the sky...


Edited by Ian Alexander (01/21/13 10:42 PM)

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#422893 - 01/22/13 04:23 AM Re: The Beast Within [Re: Ian Alexander]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3600
Loc: South-East Europe
Very good and insightful writing Ian, I like it!
It could be that many of us have such struggles from time to time frown
How are you doing lately comparing to when you wrote this?

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#423083 - 01/24/13 04:04 AM Re: The Beast Within [Re: Ian Alexander]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 592
A lot in this I can relate to. So many voices from the past that seem to have a will of their own, a will determined to ruin my sense of self in the present and future. I spend a lot of my time convinced I am secretly evil, that the best I can do is contain the darkness within me until I die. I've had to let go of any notion of time. If I feel like I am racing a clock, than I feel like I am always going to lose. I'm not sure truly moving past this is really possible. For me, it seems like it is a mountain I will always be climbing. But the path does change and even when it is hard I could look back and see how far I've come. So I don't think I will ever move beyond it, but I do hope I will get better at climbing it.
_________________________
Like a spent gladiator
crawling in the colosseum dust
who can count on his remaining limbs
all the people he can trust.
Like the one who stands behind him
cheering him on
Estatic when he stands defiant,
wild with abandon when he's gone

just stay alive.
do whatever you need to.
you are worth it.

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