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#422791 - 01/21/13 03:35 AM Re: So my father raped my cousin too... [Re: crazy gecko]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3600
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey gecko, I'm so sorry to hear that you are having troubles after you found latest news about your father.
Can you acknowledge to yourself that you are far away from him and that you are now in safe place.
Be aware that you have so different path; you done everything to fight him, and you are wining buddy.
You manage to survive his toxicity many ears ago and latest news don't change anything. We knew what kind of man he was and what he was capable to do.

And we know that you are not him nor ever would be.

Please try somehow to ground yourself and to stay in reality.
I hope your emotions would settle soon...

(((gecko)))
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#422794 - 01/21/13 07:36 AM Re: So my father raped my cousin too... [Re: crazy gecko]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
Andrew Vachss is a former CSA specialist turned true-crime novelist, and in some of his books he deals with this exact topic - and says it is especially challenging for incest survivors.

He's had his lead characters basically say to incest survivor characters: "All you really get from your parents are height and baseline intelligence." The motif has come up enough in his books that I must assume he used it on real survivors to good effect.

Lee Oswald's daughter is his identical spitting-image; it's uncanny. But there's nothing she can do about that, is there.
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#422796 - 01/21/13 08:18 AM Re: So my father raped my cousin too... [Re: crazy gecko]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
Thank you guys. Thank you so much for your support. It means so much to me!

And to my cousin - I know you've been here. I know you know who I am. None of this is your fault. Yes, finding out about you did upset me, but all my anger and disgust is directed at the bastard who abused both of us, as well as my brothers. Don't blame yourself. I would have found out sooner or later...
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

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#422852 - 01/21/13 07:59 PM Re: So my father raped my cousin too... [Re: crazy gecko]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Gecko - thanks for sharing your journey with us.
Everyone else thanks for your comments - they are for me too.

I think it must be an issue for all of us who have suffered incest.

Even though I often say I look more like my mother that isn't the reality (I do look the most like my mother but I still look more like my father). When I see pictures of the four of us all lined up (And there are many - every wedding, every special occation) all I see is how much alike we all look and EVERYONE comments on it. All the same height give or take 2" (I am the tallest now), same build, all with the same blue eyes etc etc. My father (as I have just come to realise) sexually abused us all and both my brothers have abused not just me but other kids as well. They are ALL pedophiles. It runs in my family!

I have not talked about this much here for fear of judgement but I have had vivid nightmares of sexually abusing my own kids and it is a REAL fear of mine - that I will become just like the rest of the men in my family. And it doesn't matter how many people tell me that I am not them, I am not the same as them - it stares me in the face every time I look in the mirror. I see THEM looking back at me.

I have spent the last 2 days working in the paddocks of my farm on my tractor crying uncontrolably - where noone could see or hear me. This song came onto my iPod several times and REALLY helped me get out of that hole.

It is Family Tree by Matthew West http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-opi1Qre8Cc

The lyrics that speak the most are ....

You didn't ask for this
Nobody ever would
Caught in the middle of this dysfunction
It's your sad reality
It's your messed up family tree
And now you're left with all these questions
Are you gonna be like your father was and his father was
Do you have to carry what they handed down?
......

I dedicate this song to all survivors of incest and I hope it speaks to you as it did me.
BTW they used this song on The Vampire Diaries soundtrack which is just scary for obvious reasons.

Lee

I have not and will not harm any child!


Edited by Farmer Boy (01/21/13 08:04 PM)
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#422888 - 01/22/13 02:41 AM Re: So my father raped my cousin too... [Re: Farmer Boy]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
Farmer Boy - thank you for sharing that.

I can tell you that the very fact that you call those dreams "nightmares" tells me they will never come true for you.

I'm listening to that song now. I listened to it on youtube and downloaded it immediately. The tears are running down my face. Thank God for office doors.

It looks like I have finally stumbled into a special kind of hell reserved for incest survivors - the hell where there is a pedophile in every mirror.

I blew my girlfriend off last night - told her not to come over. I don't want her to see me, to look at me. I miss her and want to call her, but I still don't want her to look at me...

They say the eyes are the window to the soul.

I have his eyes.

I'm putting that song on repeat. Perhaps, if I listen to it enough, I'll start to believe the lyrics... I want to believe it!
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

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