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#422716 - 01/20/13 12:02 PM Re: self-consciousness [Re: LazyPirate]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
Originally Posted By: LazyPirate
I don't exist. I'm a stranger in my own skin. Count my fingers, they're all there... But who's are they? I drive the car, but it feels like I'm watching tv. I could crash the car, because I'm not really here... It wouldn't hurt. Why go to work today?... I don't exist, but I have a job? What the fuck? Hyper-vigilant. Everything's accounted for... Are the shingles still on the roof? Yes. That's good, that's where they go. I'm floating. I hate people, they always look at me & want to talk. I would like to say to them that I can't talk, because I'm not real. Words sound dumb when I think about them. People are looking at me.

>>>>> That was me for my teens & twenties (sometimes I actually miss it!).

That was me during my teens and twenties too.

I was a drug user, but I don't believe that the drugs caused it. It didn't stop when I got clean. It actually seemed to get better when I was on drugs. Or perhaps it just freaked me out less. I really don't know.

Sometimes I miss it too. Sometimes I don't want to exist...
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

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#422792 - 01/21/13 03:53 AM Re: self-consciousness [Re: traveler]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1990
Loc: durham, north england
Hi Lee.

A lot of this sounds familiar to me as well, the lack of belonging to any group, always being the clever, precotious child prodigy, spending so much time analysing things in my own head that I develope an ability to empathize with others that lets me get any individual on side, but makes me completely the outsider in any group.

For me however, it is that faculty of self analysis that has been most helpfull. For example, I now understand that my feelings of worthlessness are utterly irrational, and know myself to be my own worst crytic. This is also why, even though I regularly had thoughts of suicide as a teenager and even got to the point of standing over a large cliff, I have had none as an adult because I recognize their origin.

Also, I understand that depression goes in cycles. It has even given me advantages, in my singing, my ability to talk to a crowd, ---- heck even in my academic philosophy.

The one thing perhaps I would suggest is some advice I was recently given by an extremely experienced tenor. He said that a person who simply stands up and sings for themselves, to be admired is simply a karioki singer, is expecting everything and giving nothing to the audience. He said that in order to give something to others and make a real performance, you had to love the music, to appreciate every note and nuance very exactly and then give your own appreciation of that to the audience.

For me, this was a revelation, since I could never understand why i, the quiet one, the one who hates groups and crowds am the person who stands on a stage in front of a large audience and sings. What Niel Jenkins said really seemed accurate though, since my motivation there is not! about others, not about self consciousness, but about giving one of the few good things about myself, my appreciation of music, to others.

this is probably why i get so much out of singing, as it is one of the only times I can show others a positive aspect of myself.

I recently had a spoken viva examination of my thesis, and I noticed exactly the same thing. Because this was work I'd spent the last five years writing, because I believed it, appreciated it, I wanted to give! that understanding to others, I therefore became extremely detailed in my answers, indeed both my examiners said they'd rarely seen someone quite so pationate about their work and so absolutely concentrated on what they were writing. This was not just! because I didn't want my thesis to fail, or that I wanted a doctorate (indeed the doctorate is probably the least important part), or even that after five years of both recovery and! writing a thesis I dam well wanted it to be passed, but because it was something I! had created, something I! had a real love and passion for that I wanted to communicate to others.

it was a surprisingly positive experience, albeit bloody hard work.

So, while I absolutely agree on your assessment of negative narsisism and self absorbtion, there is likely a way that this can become positive and outward instead of being negative and inward, even with everything else.

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#467701 - 07/17/14 09:10 AM Re: self-consciousness [Re: traveler]
96789594 Offline


Registered: 01/21/14
Posts: 19
Travler
so much of what ur saying explains what i struggle with , i too 'am very self counsciouse , worry so much that if express my self i come accross to thers as stupid, fake or inadequate , even here sometimes it takes me hours to express my self cus i keep deleting what i write and then rewrite it again. GOD how painfull is my self talk ! for instance often time , just walking in the street where theres people around just minding there own buisness it's instantly triggers my self counsciosuness ,i start to get so focused on how people looking at me, wich is in my mind they pitty me and are disgusted with me, it's all in my head right? but i also can't help my self and look for and find in their eyes and facial expressions how they really seem to look at me as pittiful ,ugly hateful ,()i too paralyzed with my feelings of insecurity, inadequacy, and inferiority , after months of self-examination through journaling , i could remember , back when i was abused when i left his house running anxiouse to go to home completly shaken and scared ,i was so worried that somebody sees me and suspect something ,becus i believed (still at some level)/ belive that it was my fault therefor i'm bad hateful and repulsive , and so i guess now i tend to re-experience that episode from my trauma, in my evryday life , even when i'm simply going to get groceries,
_________________________
The life you have led doesn't need to be the only life you have.-Anna Quindlen-

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#467706 - 07/17/14 11:09 AM Re: self-consciousness [Re: 96789594]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3396
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Originally Posted By: 96789594
i believed (still at some level)/ belive that it was my fault therefor i'm bad hateful and repulsive , and so i guess now i tend to re-experience that episode from my trauma, in my evryday life , even when i'm simply going to get groceries,


Wow - this is so poignant - and seems to express in a nutshell how many of us live with the daily, moment-by-moment awareness of that trauma - looming over us like a black cloud that we feel like we can't escape. i ffel for you, man!

now the good news! i wrote this original post about a year and a half ago - and thought i can remember feeling that way for most of my life - i no longer do. it is MUCH, MUCH better. can't say that i am totally over it - but it doesn't tie me up in knots and paralyze me the way it used to. i am so much more at ease in my own skin and often completely forget to be self-conscious - and just get caught up in the moment or in other people - and am comfortable in doing so. it is a BIG relief, let me tell you!

so - what made the difference? i didn't really work on this issue - it was a by-product of the main focus of my therapy -
re-defining who i am - in light of the "big picture" of my life - and not through the lens of CSA. forgiving myself for what was not my fault. accepting and loving my younger self. telling my story and finding individuals who were willing to accept and value and validate me - in spite of my history. lots of affirmation from the other guys here on MS. love from my wife - despite the pain i put her through with my acting out. a combo package - and i can't really say which ingredient was most important - it all worked together.

i don't know that the various elements or proportions would be the same for someone else, but keep at it - there is hope for change - even after all these years.

LEE
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#467833 - 07/21/14 06:59 AM Re: self-consciousness [Re: traveler]
96789594 Offline


Registered: 01/21/14
Posts: 19


so - what made the difference? i didn't really work on this issue - it was a by-product of the main focus of my therapy -
re-defining who i am - in light of the "big picture" of my life - and not through the lens of CSA. forgiving myself for what was not my fault. accepting and loving my younger self. telling my story and finding individuals who were willing to accept and value and validate me - in spite of my history. lots of affirmation from the other guys here on MS. love from my wife - despite the pain i put her through with my acting out. a combo package - and i can't really say which ingredient was most important - it all worked together.

i don't know that the various elements or proportions would be the same for someone else, but keep at it - there is hope for change - even after all these years.

LEE
[/quote]
hey travler , sorry for replying late
i think what ur saying makes a lot of sense , especially about the fact that i'm seing my self only through the lens of my CSA ,it become my identity , the scariest thing for me is that ever since i started to acknowlege the abuse , this identity started to take place and it's seems harder to form a new one . a few years ago at least i use to enjoy my self and able to have some frends but now to most of what i see in my self self is( isolated and numb )love the fact that you have a wife that loves you i think it's realy important for us survivors , for me i'm 24 years old and never been able to have a single relation ship , all i got is my self dislike all the thing i'm struggling with makes me feel less and less worthy and inadequate for relation ships especially with womens ,hateful to them but i have some hope for change ...ty for ur response
-Mark
_________________________
The life you have led doesn't need to be the only life you have.-Anna Quindlen-

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