I kind of got into a scrap with one of my best friends today, as I expressed my frustration and anger with him for not responding to any of my emotional comments (those dealing with feelings), or as we haven't seen each other in a while, he never responds when I say I miss him or want to send him a hug. He responded that he does not feel comfortable being missed by a man or having a man sending him a hug, and he said to me that he sometimes has the impression that I forget he is not gay, but rather straight. In his responses, he begins with "I am a man" and somehow that legitimises his stance.

To me, expressing of emotions between "close" male friends or an occasional "I miss you" "yeah you too man" are not correlated to homosexuality and should not be in any way threatening to a heterosexual man. I feel like my friend only tolerates me for being gay, but is extremely homophobic as he can tell me this without guilt, or he will make comments about me not being a real man and a male girlfriend to straight girls.

I don't know what to say to counter this.... is it even homophobia? He is not one to ever apologise or admit that he is wrong, and he will spin an accusation of homophobia back at me. What can I say to homophobia? I desperately want to connect with other men and find meaningful friendships (and eventually positive romantic relationships with gay/bi men), but should I have to put up with this? He often makes me feel as though I am wrong and out of place... is such a friendship even worth the heart- and headaches?

I don't know how proactive your friend is when it comes to trying to assert his masculine identity, but I think a good counter would be that a lot of men's organizations encourage emotional intimacy and displays of affection like hugs precisely because they are said to reassert masculine identity and possibly prevent homosexuality. Not saying that I necessarily agree with this or anything, but I think it could be a possible counter.

Personally I think that this friendship sounds a bit toxic. If he can't accept a simple comment of appreciation for his friendship then I can only imagine what kind of other insecurities might rear their heads throughout the course of your friendship. That's just me though.

As a man who is bi - I frequently run into guys that are not comfortable with me showing them any kind of affection or hug or compliment even.

I disagree that this can be toxic - I believe that with him there is a boundary he has set - and while it is pretty close to his chest or maybe far from his chest - honor that and honor him and his request without being offended.

Be a friend and accept him for who he is even if he has an issue with who you are - we don't have to be 100 percent compatable in everything to have a great friendship, and just remember there are plenty of guys out there who really would like a hug.

*

Jaybro,

I am an emotional guy at times, I am also gay. I have lots and lots of straight friends because most of the rest of males are mostly straight men.
I have straight guy friends that we say we miss each other, tell each other to be careful, and actually backslap/hug when we see each other. I love them. They love me. We don't always say it, but we do mean it. I have a couple of former friends that try to act like, "NO HOMO" while they are patting my back, but I try to keep it real. I say exactly what I mean, and if a dude isn't comfortable, then maybe we don't need to be friends. Usually they only talk to me about stuff like that when they are ashamed of being seen with me, or ashamed of being thought to be gay. I don't do anything with Homophobia today. if you can't handle me like I am without trying to fix me, then maybe we aren't really friends. I accept it when they don't respond the way I want them to, but I draw the line at them trying to manage my behavior or say that it is because I happen to be gay--FREE WILL FOR ALL!!!

my 2 cents worth...

"He is a man" - and you are something less because you don't have a girlfriend? I'm sorry - but if he has actually made comments about you being anything less than "a man" - I'd drop this guy off at the nearest homophobe shop and not look back.

M

Thanks for posting Jay. As often happens, I'll go with bodyguard on this one...even from way over here at GMT-5.

He's uncomfortable obviously. Sounds as if you've done your best to address it. Sounds, too, like he has considerable issues and your very existence is a constant (unintentional) in-your-face reminder to him that he has those issues, whether he's aware of them or not.

He's given little, if any indication he's willing to work with you on it - in fact, going the completely opposite direction - and that's good information to have. Hell, yes, he's homophobic. And, given many societal attitudes, why would you want that also in your personal life?

I rarely run into your situation any more because I simply walk away from it. Nor do I feel I owe them an explanation. If they're mature enough to ask, sure, I'll tell them. But they almost never do anyway. People like that are a waste of time and energy for me.

imo, you can do MUCH better. How your stable of gay friends?

oh, btw, {{{{{{{{{{JayBro}}}}}}}}}}
;-)