Call me behind the times, but I only just started paying attention to this stuff recently. I just today learned that this past summer the Justice Dept and FBI officially rewrote the legal / criminal definition of rape to include forced oral sex.

So I guess it's official and not what I guess I had thought was a figure of speech, a way of communicating the damage / pain / fear to others with the only word I thought would serve. No, now in the eyes of the law I was raped, officially, black ink. I am a rape victim and/or survivor.

Sort of dizzied by this, don't know why, it's not like anything physical had changed. It's more a sense of being... tagged and bagged, I guess. Ever since late December, when I renormalized enough to get off the sleeping pills, I've been feeling much more like myself - which has upsides and downsides, and in this case the latter is the more I stabilize, the more each shock... well, shocks me.

I never said "rape" to my parents, I said "sexual assault" though I did call the perp a rapist. I said "rape" to some of my online friends and to my wife. But there's more... echo... behind the word now that the entire legal system says so too.

Am probably overthinking this, but, well, it does help to get stuff emotionally organized.


Matt

hey, Matt -

i know what you mean - putting a name to it makes it more real - and the full enormity hits you - either for the first time - or all over again with a fresh intensity. before, you could distance yourself a little by using a less specific term = assault. now it is more personal and less legal or clinical sounding.

i had to gradually come to the place where i could say it and own it:
1st - some stuff happened.
then - i was touched.
then - he or they molested me.
then- complete descriptions with specific details.
and - with the step-dad - realization that it was incest.

each time it got more graphic - it got more painful. at the same time, my emotions were being uncovered and re-activated from their previous numb or dormant state - so that made it more difficult each time, not less.

in my experience, it is a phase you have to go through - along with grieving and anger. you can't really respond to it fully until you honestly admit to what it was.

all best wishes,
lee

*

This made me think about the laws in Australia. They are the same:


So based the law in my country my brother offically raped me at 5. Yay! (Sarcasm)

Lee

I'm sad over this. I'd used the word before but at the same time I always felt I had "plausible deniability" because it wasn't anal (even though it was terribly painful enough). But no, there is no ambiguity anymore and I guess it's a new category I'm in, for real and for life. Its such a horrible word, just reading it reminds me of violence and how I cried after he was done. I am sad that I was raped.

I realize this probably reads like some stupid Dick and Jane primer but it's how I'm processing.

It is sad, but you are seeing the truth no matter how painful. It will pass. Nothin stupid in that.

The extent that we minimize the abuse, the effects of the abuse, is quite staggering. So much of my energy had been going into maintaining a lifestyle that helped me ignore or numb out the pain deep within, hardly recognizable, having lived with it so long.

Matt - NOT stupid at all.
i am sad with you.
lee

I have become comfortable telling people, "I was raped as a boy" or "...as a kid." For some reason, "kid" is a less triggering word for me than "boy."

It's simple to say and cuts through all the euphemism bullshit like "molested" or even "abused." No, I was raped.

Matt, I can understand your ambiguity over oral rape, but remember that I don't remember the rape at all, only that I know it happened.

It's a terrible word, but there's solace in it, too. I find strength in being able to claim it and say it, "I was raped when I was a kid."

It's made me who I am.

Cant

Matt I feel sad for you too, but it’s just a word, it only has meaning if you let it have meaning. No matter how you were violated no matter what happened you know what happened was wrong, you now know what it is, what matters is that you own it now, you’ve made that decision and that means that your empowering yourself to step back and intellectually examine what happened and the fact you had no role in it except as an unwilling participant. The words will lose their power and like Lee said it can take some time to really accept what happened but you’re on your way, it does get better.

Cee

I get what you mean too. I remember the first time one called what my foster did to me "rape"... I literally did a double take, like wait, what? To me, I knew that what my father did was rape. But I always used to feel like I should be ok with what my foster father did. I'd experience "real rape", so why would "having to give him a blowjob" be so bad? (that's how I used to think. Sometimes I'd even phrase it as "I gave him a blowjob", as if I chose to do it.). Then I figured out that the latter was no less "rape" than the former. It is no less of a violation of my body than the former. It was oral rape.

Yes, "rape" is an ugly word, but to me, it validates my feelings and my reactions in a way. It gives me permission to be somewhat fucked up, to need help, to not be ok all the time... I was raped, after all! I don't have to hide behind fancy phrases and "you know what I mean?"s any more. I can come out and say a simple 4 letter word, and it describes exactly what was done to me...

I had my own "It's Official" moment a month or so ago when I cautiously added the word "rape" to my vocabulary. I never had any plausible deniability as to what really happened. I am cognizant of what happened and how it happened....though I'm really only articulating it two decades later. Saying that stuff happened" or "things got weird" do describe what happened to me.

As far as Dick and Jane primer goes...I find that my language skills seem to vanish when I talk or write about this...I'm reduced to a primal, stilted prose...

The way I feel now is NOT the result of "stuff" from age 13. No. I was raped by someone 6 years older. It was not consensual by me...or in the letter of the law.

Will

THIS. At first even to my T I'd say "made me perform oral sex / made me suck his dick." When me actually doing anything was probably less than a minute, then he... took over.

I've hated myself for not being able to give a better blowjob at 8 in order to have spared myself the pain, to have just been able to please him and escape the intense terror that he was actually trying / going to kill me with it. And then hated myself for having such unfair and obscene thoughts about a helpless kid. It's less intense but not gone.

Yes, "rape" is an ugly word, but to me, it validates my feelings and my reactions in a way. It gives me permission to be somewhat fucked up, to need help, to not be ok all the time... I was raped, after all! I don't have to hide behind fancy phrases and "you know what I mean?"s any more. I can come out and say a simple 4 letter word, and it describes exactly what was done to me...[/quote]

Thanks for these thoughts, gentlemen. I read through the thread, and this being my second evening as a member, the theme of this is one I am working on with my counselor. I just can't verbally use the word rape in the same sentence of describing what has happened to me. Just like you guys for whatever reason, I know it will take time. Your words...my feelings... truly. ...just as c gecko says, I am fked up, I need help, but I am not okay most of the time... and maybe soon I can say OUT LOUD..."he raped me, and it hurts"... and he did, and it does...thanks, again guys.

Hi Bill,

Yes, it will take time, but don't try to rush it! You will reach the point where you will be able to say the word and claim it for yourself in your own time. I hope that it will be soon, but as I have learnt in the last few month - one cannot, and should not try to skip steps in this process we call healing.

Stay strong and keep working with your counselor. You'll get there.

Hi, Gecko. Thank you for the words of hope. I read your story. Both parts. I find you to be quite brave and again, thank you for the honesty.