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#422758 - 01/20/13 09:20 PM Well, it's official....
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
Call me behind the times, but I only just started paying attention to this stuff recently. I just today learned that this past summer the Justice Dept and FBI officially rewrote the legal / criminal definition of rape to include forced oral sex.

So I guess it's official and not what I guess I had thought was a figure of speech, a way of communicating the damage / pain / fear to others with the only word I thought would serve. No, now in the eyes of the law I was raped, officially, black ink. I am a rape victim and/or survivor.

Sort of dizzied by this, don't know why, it's not like anything physical had changed. It's more a sense of being... tagged and bagged, I guess. Ever since late December, when I renormalized enough to get off the sleeping pills, I've been feeling much more like myself - which has upsides and downsides, and in this case the latter is the more I stabilize, the more each shock... well, shocks me.

I never said "rape" to my parents, I said "sexual assault" though I did call the perp a rapist. I said "rape" to some of my online friends and to my wife. But there's more... echo... behind the word now that the entire legal system says so too.

Am probably overthinking this, but, well, it does help to get stuff emotionally organized.


Matt
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#422762 - 01/20/13 09:44 PM Re: Well, it's official.... [Re: SoccerStar]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3319
Loc: back in the USA
hey, Matt -

i know what you mean - putting a name to it makes it more real - and the full enormity hits you - either for the first time - or all over again with a fresh intensity. before, you could distance yourself a little by using a less specific term = assault. now it is more personal and less legal or clinical sounding.

i had to gradually come to the place where i could say it and own it:
1st - some stuff happened.
then - i was touched.
then - he or they molested me.
then- complete descriptions with specific details.
and - with the step-dad - realization that it was incest.

each time it got more graphic - it got more painful. at the same time, my emotions were being uncovered and re-activated from their previous numb or dormant state - so that made it more difficult each time, not less.

in my experience, it is a phase you have to go through - along with grieving and anger. you can't really respond to it fully until you honestly admit to what it was.

all best wishes,
lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#422779 - 01/20/13 11:33 PM * [Re: SoccerStar]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 02:13 PM)

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#422899 - 01/22/13 06:49 AM Re: Well, it's official.... [Re: SoccerStar]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
This made me think about the laws in Australia. They are the same:
Quote:
Section 349 Criminal Code of Queensland

(1) Any person who rapes another person is guilty of a crime.
Maximum penaltyólife imprisonment.

(2) A person rapes another person ifó

(a) the person has carnal knowledge with or of the other person without the other personís consent; or

(b) the person penetrates the vulva, vagina or anus of the other person to any extent with a thing or a part of the personís body that is not a penis without the other personís consent; or

(c) the person penetrates the mouth of the other person to any extent with the personís penis without the other personís consent.

(3) For this section, a child under the age of 12 years is incapable of giving consent.


So based the law in my country my brother offically raped me at 5. Yay! (Sarcasm)

Lee


Edited by Farmer Boy (01/22/13 03:02 PM)
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#422949 - 01/22/13 03:35 PM Re: Well, it's official.... [Re: SoccerStar]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
I'm sad over this. I'd used the word before but at the same time I always felt I had "plausible deniability" because it wasn't anal (even though it was terribly painful enough). But no, there is no ambiguity anymore and I guess it's a new category I'm in, for real and for life. Its such a horrible word, just reading it reminds me of violence and how I cried after he was done. I am sad that I was raped.

I realize this probably reads like some stupid Dick and Jane primer but it's how I'm processing.
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#422952 - 01/22/13 04:06 PM Re: Well, it's official.... [Re: SoccerStar]
brother2none Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/30/09
Posts: 262
Loc: Undisclosed
It is sad, but you are seeing the truth no matter how painful. It will pass. Nothin stupid in that.

The extent that we minimize the abuse, the effects of the abuse, is quite staggering. So much of my energy had been going into maintaining a lifestyle that helped me ignore or numb out the pain deep within, hardly recognizable, having lived with it so long.

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#422960 - 01/22/13 06:32 PM Re: Well, it's official.... [Re: SoccerStar]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3319
Loc: back in the USA
Matt - NOT stupid at all.
i am sad with you.
lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#422974 - 01/22/13 08:39 PM Re: Well, it's official.... [Re: SoccerStar]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1039
I have become comfortable telling people, "I was raped as a boy" or "...as a kid." For some reason, "kid" is a less triggering word for me than "boy."

It's simple to say and cuts through all the euphemism bullshit like "molested" or even "abused." No, I was raped.

Matt, I can understand your ambiguity over oral rape, but remember that I don't remember the rape at all, only that I know it happened.

It's a terrible word, but there's solace in it, too. I find strength in being able to claim it and say it, "I was raped when I was a kid."

It's made me who I am.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#422985 - 01/22/13 10:46 PM Re: Well, it's official.... [Re: SoccerStar]
cosmos Offline


Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 176
Loc: Puget Sound
Matt I feel sad for you too, but itís just a word, it only has meaning if you let it have meaning. No matter how you were violated no matter what happened you know what happened was wrong, you now know what it is, what matters is that you own it now, youíve made that decision and that means that your empowering yourself to step back and intellectually examine what happened and the fact you had no role in it except as an unwilling participant. The words will lose their power and like Lee said it can take some time to really accept what happened but youíre on your way, it does get better.

Cee
_________________________
"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

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#422997 - 01/23/13 06:39 AM Re: Well, it's official.... [Re: SoccerStar]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
I get what you mean too. I remember the first time one called what my foster did to me "rape"... I literally did a double take, like wait, what? To me, I knew that what my father did was rape. But I always used to feel like I should be ok with what my foster father did. I'd experience "real rape", so why would "having to give him a blowjob" be so bad? (that's how I used to think. Sometimes I'd even phrase it as "I gave him a blowjob", as if I chose to do it.). Then I figured out that the latter was no less "rape" than the former. It is no less of a violation of my body than the former. It was oral rape.

Yes, "rape" is an ugly word, but to me, it validates my feelings and my reactions in a way. It gives me permission to be somewhat fucked up, to need help, to not be ok all the time... I was raped, after all! I don't have to hide behind fancy phrases and "you know what I mean?"s any more. I can come out and say a simple 4 letter word, and it describes exactly what was done to me...
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

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