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#422506 - 01/18/13 09:58 AM Feed back would be great
Elijah11 Offline


Registered: 09/20/12
Posts: 10
Loc: Western Canada
Hi,

In my past relationship I had the suspicion that my ex bf had been sexually abused. To summarize the events that followed he admitted to me that he was in fact sexually abused by the very person I suspected abused him.

My ex bf feels immense guilt over this incident and feels like it is his fault.
I have reassured him it wasn't and to not ever think that it was.

I am the only person he has told the truth about this to. I have brought up the subject once since he told me about these events and he has been adamant that I not ever bring up the topic again. He gets angry ect. and understandably so.

My question for everyone here is this: Do I respect his wishes and let the subject go or do I try and encourage him to face these issues?
I have offered him an ear. I have told him I will stand by him. I have told him I have resources (such as MS) for him to read. But outside of this I don't know what else do to or what else I can/should do.
_________________________
"I wish I could show you when you are lonely or in darkness the astonishing light of your own being." ~ Hafiz

“At the centre of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want.” ~ Lao Tzu

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#422600 - 01/18/13 11:30 PM Re: Feed back would be great [Re: Elijah11]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3392
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Elijah -

that is a tough one. i think you have done just about all you can at this point. if the situation is intolerable for you - like the relationship becomes dangerous or unhealthy or emotionally,physically or verbally abusive - then you would have the leverage to say - get help or else...

otherwise - maybe an occasional hint/reminder that you are open to listen or discuss anything at any time. you could also get a book or two and leave them lying around - like Mike Lew's "Victims No Longer" - which he might pick up and benefit from - or ask you about - or pointedly ignore. if nothing else - it would help you understand what he is probably going through.

i know i couldn't be helped until i was ready. who knows why that happens at a particular time or combination of circustances or ...?

here is a link to a thread in the Friends and Family forum where i jsut posted a reply - it might be related. i'd suggest you also hang out there and ask around if you haven't done so already. most likely some of the members there could offer some insights from their experiences.

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=422584#Post422584

all the best -
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#422739 - 01/20/13 07:01 PM Re: Feed back would be great [Re: Elijah11]
Elijah11 Offline


Registered: 09/20/12
Posts: 10
Loc: Western Canada
Lee,

Within 2 hours of reading your message I had called the book store, put "victims no longer on hold", bought it, and read a few chapters - not in sequence though.
I've been crying through most of it as it has become ever more evident to me that my ex bf is suffering substantially and I can't bare to think of what hurt he has had to endure.
This book is him and I've only read a two and a half chapters.
Once I've read through more would you mind if I PM you for some advice?

Thank you so very much for replying to my post, your advice, time and support.
Thank you.
All the best,
E.
_________________________
"I wish I could show you when you are lonely or in darkness the astonishing light of your own being." ~ Hafiz

“At the centre of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want.” ~ Lao Tzu

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#422742 - 01/20/13 07:42 PM Re: Feed back would be great [Re: Elijah11]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3392
Loc: somewhere in Africa
E - i would welcome a PM.
glad you got the book. it helped to change my life for the better.
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#422805 - 01/21/13 09:09 AM Re: Feed back would be great [Re: Elijah11]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
Welcome!
Keep reading as much as you can- the posts at the family and friends forum are full of the struggles questions and experience of loved ones.

I also recommend looking into the meditation book of Al-Anon- they have been around 70 years to help people deal With the behavior of family who are escaping their problems - they key tools and principles they practice are powerful.

Learn as much as you can and remember it is ultimately his journey- and he may refuse to face it now.

you can find productive ways to be honest and firm about his behavior And your concerns and feeljngs without being controlling or them backfiring or appearing too personal.

Be well.
_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

“It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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