Well... that's it, really. I don't know what more there is to say.

He's 7 years younger than me. It started when he got out of jail.. My cousin was 9. Continued for a few years. He told my brother last year. That was the first time he ever told. They decided not to tell me yet because my brother knew I was dealing with heavy shit and it would upset me more. Right, like there is a good time to tell someone something like that.

They told me today.

He's pretty fucked up about it. So is my brother.

So am I, quite frankly.

I don't know what to think. I'm struggling to process the knowledge that there were more victims than just my brothers and me. How many more? I don't know and I'm not sure I want to know...

Hey ((Gecko)),
that is terrible news. I'm sorry man.
I hope your cousin in some therapy?

Please try to calm yourself somehow.
Hang on buddy
(((Gecko)))

Is this dick still walking the earth?

Wow, what a sad thing to find out... But I guess now your cousin knows that there's strength in numbers. Hope he's getting some therapy too!

Hey Gecko

I know how you feel. It was only 2 weeks ago that I found out that my half brother had also been sexually abusng his half sister on his mother's side. I have really struggled with that knowledge. It made me feel like vomitting. It somehow made him more of a monster to me. A REAL pedophile if you like. I had thought it was just me and my brother up until then. I am just glad she told and he was convicted for what he did to her. I wish I could talk to her but I don't even remember her name (I have only met her a couple of times in passing)

Like you I wonder how many more there are that he hasn't told me about. I'm not sure I want to know either.......

*

Thanks guys.

I know it's probably a good thing that he disclosed to us - apparently we're the first people he's told, and he only felt safe to tell us because he was pretty sure that had been abused too...

Anyway, I told him to come here. I hope he does, because I know you guys will support him like you have supported me.

He isn't in therapy. I urged him to do that too, but it's up to him, really.

For those who asked - no, my father isn't out there any more. he died late 2011. But I shudder to think how many boys he could have abused until then.

And 50% of my genes are his. I'm half him. That makes me want to vomit...

Lee Harvey Oswald, Charles Manson, and John Wayne Gacy all had kids who were perfectly normal and good members of healthy society. Heinrich Himmler's daughter is kind of a pro-Nazi bitch, but even she never actually hurt anybody.

You've forgiven yourself before - don't lose sight of that.

This isn't about having to forgive myself. It's about looking in the mirror and seeing all the ways in which I am like him. I've always told myself that we were just there... available whenever the sick urge hit him. It never occurred to me that he would seek out another boy and go through the effort to groom him (them?) for the sole purpose of abusing him (them?). I have been forced to face the fact that my father, the man to who I owe half my genetic make-up, was most likely a boda-fide pedophile.

I have his eyes. I've always known that. Now, I look in the mirror and all I see is him - pure evil. It fills me with so much disgust/hate... I can't even describe it. Last night I had fantasies of cutting off one arm, one leg, one ear, digging out one eye... removing half of myself. Removing the part that is him. Thank God I'm not far enough gone to seriously consider actually doing it. I wanted so badly to just cut myself... I want to hurt the part that is him. So I got onto my treadmill and ran as hard as I could until it hurt. Then I kept running until my legs couldn't carry me any more. I'm hurting today - my whole body is hurting. I don't intend to even try to do anything to alleviate it. Being in physical pain is curbing my urge to self-injure further.

I need to call my brother. He probably feels the same way. But I'm scared. I've always been able to lean on him. What if he isn't strong enough to carry me this time?

Gecko - you are NOT like him - physical appearance is the LEAST important element of who YOU are. YOU are an fighter and a survivor and a victor - a man who has been through the fire of pain and trauma and knows what it is like to be the victim - and has endured that purging and refining process. you could NEVER become like him in that most essential difference. if there was ever an example of overcoming BOTH heredity AND environment - it is YOU!

PLEASE be kind to yourself and see yourself through our eyes - a good man who is doing the best he can - and far, far better than anyone could have expected you to turn out.

Lee