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#422702 - 01/20/13 09:23 AM Re: I wish I was sexually abused [Re: DarkHadou]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1400
Originally Posted By: DarkHadou
I hate the FACT I was sexually abused by males, it makes me question my sexuality, I had sex with males, that thought itself is not only disturbing but ... if I think about it as much and as deep as I want to I will end up punching the wall or putting holes on the wall and being pissed off the whole week then I will calm down and then next time I think about it I will get pissed off again

OK, DH, fellow readers...I was "biting my tongue" on this. I thought I would add more to what I wrote last night but didn't trust my thoughts. Now that I have had some time to really think about it, I find it difficult to dismiss my feelings as over-reaction or over-sensitivity. In the interests of being frank and open - and with all due respect for DH's candor and trust in us to put this out there - I really need to state my concerns.

This is homophobia, plain and simple. This is not subtle, and I am surprised, DH, that you have not been called out on this yet. You have essentially forgiven the abuse but not the homosexuality it implied. You have separated the abuse from the sexuality, then wished for the former while denouncing the latter. Even the statement "I was sexually abused by males" morphed in the very same sentence to "I had sex with males" - the word abused being dropped, and at that you punch the wall. In fact, your entire thread begins with a highly provocative statement - "I wish I was sexually abused" - which is never dispelled in the darker truths you reveal.

Before you think I am over-reacting, consider this. I am gay/bi (from the abuse? - I guess I'll never know). I went through a "homophobic period" as a way to separate myself from my abuse and it took a long time for me to come to terms with my sexuality from the serial mess I was entangled in as a child. So perhaps this lends credibility to my perspective from once having a similar mindset. Most homophobia that I have experienced comes from homosexuals who are deeply repressed - as if denouncing the demon loudly enough and publicly enough will somehow slay the dragon within. I tried that myself. It does not work. The irony of which I speak plays out on many stages from civic leaders to politicians to evangelists to priests - so this twisted hypocrisy does not exist just in my imagination. But my fear of gays never became hatred - I never expressed rage or displaced physical aggression as you are doing. I'm not a psychologist. And I am certainly not implying that you are dealing with a repressed sexual identity. That's a question only you can answer. I speak only to my own experiences.

I never became a "gay basher", and I'm not suggesting that you are, either. But I can't help but wonder if that is the next stop for you on this angry train you are riding.
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#422729 - 01/20/13 04:30 PM Re: I wish I was sexually abused [Re: DarkHadou]
LazyPirate Offline


Registered: 01/03/13
Posts: 106
Loc: Ontario
I'm partly there with you Eric... But DH isn't all wrong in my books. I'm straight. The fact that I was abused by a male sickens me to no end. Remembering his dick inside me or the way it tasted makes me want to vomit. I too went thru a stage where I longed for the abuse to have been committed by a woman. I know now that that thought was incorrect... No matter what, there would have been pain & suffering. Where there's abuse, pain follows. I don't think that thoughts like that make me homophobic... I just know that I'm not gay, so being raped by a man is horrifying to me... But equally horrifying may be rape by a woman. Maybe DH is homophobic, but maybe not. We've all been thru hell & the road back is long & confusing at times. I do, definitely respect your opinions, Eric.
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#422747 - 01/20/13 08:22 PM Re: I wish I was sexually abused [Re: DarkHadou]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
It's not homophobia. (at least I don't look at it that way) It is a horrible experience that happened and wishing that it may not have been as destructive if it had been different.

I don't believe that it would automatically be less destructive if it had been a female perp. From the reading I have done on this it would be different and just as bad.

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#422754 - 01/20/13 09:04 PM Re: I wish I was sexually abused [Re: DarkHadou]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
Iremoved per user


Edited by ModTeam (05/02/13 01:45 PM)

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#422790 - 01/21/13 03:30 AM Re: I wish I was sexually abused [Re: DarkHadou]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2020
Loc: durham, north england
while I would certainly agree with Eric and some of the others that homophobia as an attitude is always bad, I don't think throwing around accusations here helps, since there are several different attitudes and feelings expressed by dh which could be very different.

Take my own case. I was abused by females and I am straight, yet because! of that abuse I have experienced genophobia, that is over baring panic reactions and fear at the thought of any kind of s/x.

when i considder the abuse, considder the experiencial content, I do feel a sense of physical disgust, remembering the smell of cigarettes, the spit in my face, even the feel of my abusers breasts, not to mention my own physical reaction. this is not because I find women disgusting, I don't, (I am straight), I did however find the experiences disgusting. I find the fact that the closest I have been to someone was while having my penis violently and forceably squeezed and called a bastard disgusts me, simply because of the experience itself, because it was a disgusting experience, the same way being asked to drink from a toilet would be a disgusting experience.

This is exactly why i now have genophobia, why I now find the idea of having s/x with a woman frankly terrifying!

None of these however are a moral judgement, they are an experiencial one, they are ideas about my own personal reactions and experiences, not judgements about the reactions of others. I'd never cryticize someone for having s/x with a woman, ---- or indeed a man for that matter, whatever my own fear reactions would say. I do know however, that back when I was 18-22 or so, I did go through a sort of victorian moral reaction, where I'd find the idea of s/x outside of a long term relationship extremely wrong, indeed for a long while I essentially believed all relationships were purely emotional friendships. I now recognize that this belief was due to me not having separated out my own experiences and reactions, or become self aware enough to understand the difference betwene finding something disgusting, and thinking it wrong.

I would assume that, had I been abused by men, I would feel a similar reaction, and doubtless have gone through a similar cycle of disgust.

So, while I would absolutely agree that homophobia is wrong, I am not exactly convinced that dh's above statements were made as a moral judgement at all which could be characterized as homophobic, since he only expressed his own! disgust at s/x with males, not that he would judge anyone! who had s/x with a man as disgusting.

Btw, on the subject of abuser gender, well as has been said the statement about grass and greener seems to apply. I could! for instance say myself that had I been abused by a man my relations with women and my hole trouble with relationships wouldn't have happened, however such a statement is far too easy and I might as well just wish it hadn't happened at all.

However Dh, the fact that I could! come up with a convincing reason why i would've myself preferd male abuse to female might suggest something to you yourself.

personally I'd recommend instead of considdering the might have beens, try and deal with your feelings about things as they are, as it will help a lot more in the long run.

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#422804 - 01/21/13 08:53 AM Re: I wish I was sexually abused [Re: DarkHadou]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1400
I do not enjoy picking fights or being controversial. But I question DH's statement both from my perspective as a member of the gay community and as a survivor of child sex abuse. Nowhere does he condemn the abuse; in fact his entire post is a clearly stated "wish" to "fantasize" about different sexualities defining the boundaries of a more permissible abuse. That is like wishing the person who robbed you at gun point was white instead of black. I particularly question how he can redefine the issue of sexual molestation completely and entirely in terms of sexual preference, and then have others excuse his hate-tinged comments as somehow worthy of protection under the umbrella definition of abuse. It cheapens the efforts of all of us as survivors to embrace what is essentially just a masquerade of intolerant rhetoric.
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#422853 - 01/21/13 09:04 PM Re: I wish I was sexually abused [Re: DarkHadou]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
removed per user


Edited by ModTeam (05/02/13 01:44 PM)

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#422854 - 01/21/13 09:06 PM Re: I wish I was sexually abused [Re: Chase Eric]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
removed per user


Edited by ModTeam (05/02/13 01:44 PM)

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#422860 - 01/21/13 09:19 PM Re: I wish I was sexually abused [Re: DarkHadou]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3452
Loc: somewhere in Africa
hey, guys - we are all past victims and survivors of abuse - many different circumstances - and some similarities of aftereffects as well as some differences. we all process things a little differently, too. can't we just agree that we were all messed up by our experiences and understand and tolerate how that may be expressed differently too. no one is personally attacking anyone else here - we are all in a mess and trying to find our way out. let's be patient and gentle and not take things so personally.

lee
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Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
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#422863 - 01/21/13 09:33 PM Re: I wish I was sexually abused [Re: traveler]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1717
Lee

I agree with you-the experience impacts in many ways--it is different for each of us--our minds are different, how we process events is different, how we react to situations are different, how we cope is different, who we act out is different but the common element is the abuse. We are all wired differently and no one will understand why we became what we became. So we need to understand and accept what we did as a result of the abuse or how our minds reacted, including lost time and fugues, is not always in our control. Let us support each other through the difficult healing process.

Kevin

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