I don't mean to post too much, but I wanted to share this one, written a few months ago, before I lose the nerve. I really am sorry if I am hogging this board.


THE CURSE OF A YEAR

THE FALL

My Mother
Used me as a verbal dumpster
to squash her
undealt pain.

Trapped in a marriage she did not want
My younger brother an autistic savant
Herself: an untreated raging bipolar
My father: beat-up, caved-in, and rolled-over

And this was the year
they somehow convinced me
that it was all my fault

the screaming and fights
of how much trouble life was
were things that I had brought


THE WINTER

My brother and I
day before Christmas
hungry in a house with three tvs

my father at work as a doctor
my mother off, somewhere,
with someone more important than me

How old? i don't know.
probably 12, my brother 10.
we walk the railroad track to wendys.

only a mile or more,
no snow, only a little cold
a short walk for something to eat

I bought my brother
a cheeseburger and coke
And that was all the money

The cashier bought me
a burger herself
I said I wasn't hungry

but I ate it
and left without a word
feeling more sad than happy

returned home
and my parents never knew
and that was christmas eve.


THE SPRING

Another walk with my brother
A rare trip to a friends house
Rare because I had no friends
I had almost begun to forget why
But this is it how it ends:

my brother screaming
he won't calm down
thrashing about

I can't calm him down
but I'm sure its my job
the phrase "chemically imbalanced"
means nothing.

We leave and he starts yelling
about how he wishes I were dead,
how I'm to blame that he got so upset.
I want to kick him in the head

THAT my parents would know about
THAT my mother would hear
THAT my brother would tattle tale
But not what I had beared.

If I slap, I would get slapped
If I yell, I get yelled at
If he screams, everyone runs to calm him down
But If I react, I drown.

"You lazy prince,
You indian giver
You selfish jerk
you little sinner

"You need to be nice to your brother
or else you will regret it
God wants you to help him out
and I have JUST ABOUT HAD IT."


THE SUMMER

My mother is off again
her new project: a battered mother

And I am at his home again
the battered son: my new tormenter.

Six months older, maybe
But from the looks of it, 2 years
I was a small foal of a tween
he was a mitzvah bear.

I will never know what happened in that room
I've spent too long trying to figure it out
that pain and memory and dream and headache
can never parse the doubt

Something bad and secret and SHHHHHHHHH!!!
And "don't upset our moms"
And something about a princess in distress.
and something about locked arms.

The only part of it I was able to tell
was that he stole my toys
and I was told to be the bigger man
and that he was a hurt boy.

Hey Jacob, wow, I like your poems!
Please feel free to post as much as you like

You know there is one my favorite book from Japan, it has been written in tenth century, it is poetry in prose and beginning of that book is something the most beautiful written for me.

It has just couple of sentences describing the most beautiful parts of the day in each of four seasons.
This your post reminds me of that book although you described some of the most painful moments and memories in every season

You touched me the most with your Winter, I'm finding terrible difficult seeing children left alone without love and proper care. Those are some of the most painful scenes for me.
I hope your brother is alright?

Be well!

Pero

Jacob -

i don't know what to say.
this moved me deeply.
i'm glad you posted it.
keep writing and sharing.

Lee

Thank you, Pero and Lee. Your responses made this risk feel worth it. I'm thinking about sharing this with my sisters, who are older and don't really know what things were like after they left home. They both agree that my mother is nuts, but have no idea about my CSA or how my mother's emotional and verbal abuse conditioned me to feel worthless.

Pero, my brother is . . . doing ok. He is autistic & OCD, but he has a support system. Because I was raised to believe it was my primary job to be his caretaker (despite being only two years older), we have a real hard time communicating now. He has no interest in hearing about any of my hardships (great or small), which is heartbreaking to me since I spent so much of my youth helping him through his issues at the expense of my own emotional well-being. I know a lot of his lack of empathy has to do with his disorders and that I shouldn't take it personally, but it does make him really hard to be around. Since he does have other people to help him now, I decided a while back that my days of taking care of him were over and it was time to use that energy on myself now.

Hey Jacob,
I'm sorry to hear about your brother, but I'm glad to hear that he has some support system.
It is terrible difficult to be emotionally attached to person who is like closed in some own confident space and when there is no many opportunities or windows to see each other because of such isolation.
Good that you moved on, it needed a lot of strength for such step, you are some heavy league fighter!

Pero

Hey Jacob

I don't venture into the poetry board much.... but I'm glad I did today.
If this is how all your poetry speaks to my heart then please hog away.

Lee

PS - I seriously did NOT try to make that rhyme - that isn't cool anymore anyway?

That was great ! Thanks for posting aNd sharing part of you, Jacob .

I relate to how fruitless it is to expect my family of origin to fulfill my needs years and decades later- you remind me to seek out others who I can trust and be safe around.

Jacob

I am grateful for your profound effort and posting this.

I grew up with some of those same elements.

Hope is alive within me today.

Love G.