My wife walked out tonight, said she was glad I got abused (she used more vulgar language than that). She doesn't mean it, she just gets so overwhelmed trying to deal with it and felt like lashing out. But it hurt. So deep. Deeper than any other words I can remember. It was a worse thing than even anything my mother ever said to me. I feel like she was happier when I wasn't dealing with my past, and it makes me miserable to feel like the stronger I get the more unhappy she is. For so long she was my strongest ally in investigating my past and standing up for myself, but recently its too much for her and I think that makes her mad at both herself and me.

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k....WOW....and wow!

Jacob, you have to be one of the strongest and clearest-thinking people i've ever seen.

First, you survived that spear she just chucked at your heart. Next, you clearly undertand and seemingly don't condemn her...WOW....and you don't blame her....seemingly a default forgiveness to you.

I'm am SO sorry she threw that at you. This is horrid. But I suspect you have a survivable perspective on it going forward as well.

You're a better man than I. A betrayal of that order would mean the marriage, in my book. It's worse than fucking someone else - because that can be done out of lust, love, or weakness, whereas this comes from cruelty, spite, and hate.

So you have perspective. She spoke in anger to hurt you. And she was successful. To suggest that stronger you get the more unhappy she feels seems an exageration. As you spend more time and experience more triggers, you get more sensitive and she gets to hear you. She may not be unhappy because of your strength, it may just be the process is unmanageable, by any one but a therapist.

It seems more in line with the original perspective.

Don't get me wrong, she may just want to hurt you and it has nothing to do with your abuse. While this was true of my wife at the end, it certainly is not consistent with you comments that she is overwhelmed and doesn't really mean it.

Good luck

I'm sorry to hear that Jacob.
It could be that your wife need some therapy too.
Sometimes we are not ready for some changes it could that be we are felt like losing control and that can hurt a lot and make us mad.
Is there any chance for you two to do some counseling together?

Thanks for the words, guys. I'm hoping we get some counseling. I'll keep you updated in the days to come.

Wanted to give you guys a bit of an update. She spent a night in a hotel. I spent a night at my parents -- which has its own issues but I knew I'd be ok for one night -- and then we talked.

What it really comes down to is she gets so sad that she really becomes overwhelmed. It did come to a place where she just couldn't take it anymore, and even though she is proud of me being so strong she is behind me. She is still just overwrought by the whole thing. At this point, I've been feeling the pain for so many years that to be able to talk about it makes me feel better. But to hear it makes her feel worse. She understands where I am but it is not where she is yet.

It was good to come back and see ourselves on the same team. She has always been my biggest ally and supporter and I knew that this one incident wasn't her real self. There is still work to be done before I will trust her with being as open again, but I think that is for the best since its pretty clear she needs time to process what I have already shared with her before I keep talking about it. So I'm not aborting my growth, but I am going to slow down how much and how intensely we communicate about it -- at least temporarily. I'm not going anywhere and she's not going anywhere, so there's time to build to a better foundation before trying to reach for the sky.

Good plan!

I'm sorry about the trouble here. It is so common for survivors to have this problem. That doesn't mean that it's impossible to deal with. I just means that we have to work much harder to achieve communication and understanding.

Puff

Hi Jacob,

Maybe your wife has some co-dependent tendencies and she liked it before when you relied more on her?

Now that you're dealing with your past, she could feel threatened that you need her less -- hence the blind rage hurled in your direction.

Just a thought. Take care of yourself first.

Cant

I really do think its more about her feeling so sad that she didn't know what to do with it except lash out. She does have a hard time expressing the emotion of sadness. Its something we've always worked on. She comes from a very loving family, but her father died when she was young and that led to a long period in her life where it seemed to her like everyone around her was "better" if she never seemed sad, because they were already so sad. So because of that she has a hard time expressing sadness, and the things I have been telling her are indeed very sad.

we had another good talk tonight. Neither of us want to sweep this under the rug, but at the same time we are committed to dealing with it as a team vs. the pain rather than vs. each other.

Her comment became a real catalyst for a wave of painful flashbacks like I have never had before. The issue isn't her vs. me anymore, now its me vs. my past and whether I can tell her what has been going on with me for the past week without overwhelming her again.

Oh, man. We know all about flashback catalysts.

Hang in there, brother.

We're here if you need us.

Cant

hi, Jacob -



yup - it's hard not to get further polarized when that happen. you are doing well in that respect if you can keep a cool head - at least outwardsly - and not alienate the two of you even more. too easy to lash back or withdraw into isolation - a hard lesson learned for me.



glad you are on the same "side" now - more or less. you can take it slow and easy - make general comments - like - "i got triggered" or "had a bad flashback" or "something brought up some difficult memories." you don't have to go into detail. if she seems able to handle it - you can always fill in more - but can stop whenever you need to - for both of your sakes.

my wife is in an awkward place of inconsistent tension - pulled back and forth between wanting to know everything - and being afraid to face it all - or not able to handle all the ramifications. that's the hard part for me - it's not "just the facts, m'am." there are so many consequences that neither she nor i are comfortable to explore. i know what it all means but she would have a tough time grasping everything at this point. and i am afraid the too graphic revelations would undo a lot of progress. so we remain in an uneasy equilibrium...

hang in there, man. you have good instincts - i'm sure you will find you way.
Lee