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#422669 - 01/19/13 10:02 PM My wife told me she is glad I was abused
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 591
My wife walked out tonight, said she was glad I got abused (she used more vulgar language than that). She doesn't mean it, she just gets so overwhelmed trying to deal with it and felt like lashing out. But it hurt. So deep. Deeper than any other words I can remember. It was a worse thing than even anything my mother ever said to me. I feel like she was happier when I wasn't dealing with my past, and it makes me miserable to feel like the stronger I get the more unhappy she is. For so long she was my strongest ally in investigating my past and standing up for myself, but recently its too much for her and I think that makes her mad at both herself and me.
_________________________
Like a spent gladiator
crawling in the colosseum dust
who can count on his remaining limbs
all the people he can trust.
Like the one who stands behind him
cheering him on
Estatic when he stands defiant,
wild with abandon when he's gone

just stay alive.
do whatever you need to.
you are worth it.

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#422671 - 01/19/13 10:09 PM * [Re: Jacob S]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 02:11 PM)

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#422673 - 01/19/13 10:15 PM Re: My wife told me she is glad I was abused [Re: Jacob S]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6367
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
k....WOW....and wow!

Jacob, you have to be one of the strongest and clearest-thinking people i've ever seen.

First, you survived that spear she just chucked at your heart. Next, you clearly undertand and seemingly don't condemn her...WOW....and you don't blame her....seemingly a default forgiveness to you.

I'm am SO sorry she threw that at you. This is horrid. But I suspect you have a survivable perspective on it going forward as well.
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#422675 - 01/19/13 10:31 PM Re: My wife told me she is glad I was abused [Re: Jacob S]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
You're a better man than I. A betrayal of that order would mean the marriage, in my book. It's worse than fucking someone else - because that can be done out of lust, love, or weakness, whereas this comes from cruelty, spite, and hate.
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"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#422678 - 01/19/13 10:42 PM Re: My wife told me she is glad I was abused [Re: Jacob S]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 283
Loc: MO
So you have perspective. She spoke in anger to hurt you. And she was successful. To suggest that stronger you get the more unhappy she feels seems an exageration. As you spend more time and experience more triggers, you get more sensitive and she gets to hear you. She may not be unhappy because of your strength, it may just be the process is unmanageable, by any one but a therapist.

It seems more in line with the original perspective.

Don't get me wrong, she may just want to hurt you and it has nothing to do with your abuse. While this was true of my wife at the end, it certainly is not consistent with you comments that she is overwhelmed and doesn't really mean it.

Good luck

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#422679 - 01/19/13 10:50 PM Re: My wife told me she is glad I was abused [Re: Jacob S]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3600
Loc: South-East Europe
I'm sorry to hear that Jacob.
It could be that your wife need some therapy too.
Sometimes we are not ready for some changes it could that be we are felt like losing control and that can hurt a lot and make us mad.
Is there any chance for you two to do some counseling together?
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#422684 - 01/19/13 11:21 PM Re: My wife told me she is glad I was abused [Re: Jacob S]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 591
Thanks for the words, guys. I'm hoping we get some counseling. I'll keep you updated in the days to come.
_________________________
Like a spent gladiator
crawling in the colosseum dust
who can count on his remaining limbs
all the people he can trust.
Like the one who stands behind him
cheering him on
Estatic when he stands defiant,
wild with abandon when he's gone

just stay alive.
do whatever you need to.
you are worth it.

Top
#423057 - 01/23/13 10:27 PM Re: My wife told me she is glad I was abused [Re: Jacob S]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 591
Wanted to give you guys a bit of an update. She spent a night in a hotel. I spent a night at my parents -- which has its own issues but I knew I'd be ok for one night -- and then we talked.

What it really comes down to is she gets so sad that she really becomes overwhelmed. It did come to a place where she just couldn't take it anymore, and even though she is proud of me being so strong she is behind me. She is still just overwrought by the whole thing. At this point, I've been feeling the pain for so many years that to be able to talk about it makes me feel better. But to hear it makes her feel worse. She understands where I am but it is not where she is yet.

It was good to come back and see ourselves on the same team. She has always been my biggest ally and supporter and I knew that this one incident wasn't her real self. There is still work to be done before I will trust her with being as open again, but I think that is for the best since its pretty clear she needs time to process what I have already shared with her before I keep talking about it. So I'm not aborting my growth, but I am going to slow down how much and how intensely we communicate about it -- at least temporarily. I'm not going anywhere and she's not going anywhere, so there's time to build to a better foundation before trying to reach for the sky.
_________________________
Like a spent gladiator
crawling in the colosseum dust
who can count on his remaining limbs
all the people he can trust.
Like the one who stands behind him
cheering him on
Estatic when he stands defiant,
wild with abandon when he's gone

just stay alive.
do whatever you need to.
you are worth it.

Top
#423071 - 01/24/13 12:30 AM Re: My wife told me she is glad I was abused [Re: Jacob S]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6367
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
Good plan!
_________________________
Jesus Loves The Hell Outta Me!

Still's Globs

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#423171 - 01/24/13 11:52 PM Re: My wife told me she is glad I was abused [Re: Still]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6815
Loc: USA
I'm sorry about the trouble here. It is so common for survivors to have this problem. That doesn't mean that it's impossible to deal with. I just means that we have to work much harder to achieve communication and understanding.

Puff

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