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#422643 - 01/19/13 02:53 PM So my father raped my cousin too...
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
Well... that's it, really. I don't know what more there is to say.

He's 7 years younger than me. It started when he got out of jail.. My cousin was 9. Continued for a few years. He told my brother last year. That was the first time he ever told. They decided not to tell me yet because my brother knew I was dealing with heavy shit and it would upset me more. Right, like there is a good time to tell someone something like that.

They told me today.

He's pretty fucked up about it. So is my brother.

So am I, quite frankly.

I don't know what to think. I'm struggling to process the knowledge that there were more victims than just my brothers and me. How many more? I don't know and I'm not sure I want to know...
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

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#422644 - 01/19/13 03:08 PM Re: So my father raped my cousin too... [Re: crazy gecko]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3566
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey ((Gecko)),
that is terrible news. I'm sorry man.
I hope your cousin in some therapy?

Please try to calm yourself somehow.
Hang on buddy
(((Gecko)))
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My story

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#422645 - 01/19/13 03:17 PM Re: So my father raped my cousin too... [Re: crazy gecko]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6317
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: crazy gecko
It started when he got out of jail..


Is this dick still walking the earth?
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#422649 - 01/19/13 04:18 PM Re: So my father raped my cousin too... [Re: crazy gecko]
LazyPirate Offline


Registered: 01/03/13
Posts: 106
Loc: Ontario
Wow, what a sad thing to find out... But I guess now your cousin knows that there's strength in numbers. Hope he's getting some therapy too!
_________________________
The Bluebird of Happiness long absent from his life, Ned is visited by the Chicken of Depression. - Gary Larson

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#422660 - 01/19/13 07:49 PM Re: So my father raped my cousin too... [Re: crazy gecko]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Hey Gecko

I know how you feel. It was only 2 weeks ago that I found out that my half brother had also been sexually abusng his half sister on his mother's side. I have really struggled with that knowledge. It made me feel like vomitting. It somehow made him more of a monster to me. A REAL pedophile if you like. I had thought it was just me and my brother up until then. I am just glad she told and he was convicted for what he did to her. I wish I could talk to her but I don't even remember her name (I have only met her a couple of times in passing)

Like you I wonder how many more there are that he hasn't told me about. I'm not sure I want to know either.......
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#422662 - 01/19/13 08:18 PM * [Re: crazy gecko]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 02:10 PM)

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#422698 - 01/20/13 06:17 AM Re: So my father raped my cousin too... [Re: crazy gecko]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
Thanks guys.

I know it's probably a good thing that he disclosed to us - apparently we're the first people he's told, and he only felt safe to tell us because he was pretty sure that had been abused too...

Anyway, I told him to come here. I hope he does, because I know you guys will support him like you have supported me.

He isn't in therapy. I urged him to do that too, but it's up to him, really.

For those who asked - no, my father isn't out there any more. he died late 2011. But I shudder to think how many boys he could have abused until then.

And 50% of my genes are his. I'm half him. That makes me want to vomit...
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

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#422708 - 01/20/13 10:19 AM Re: So my father raped my cousin too... [Re: crazy gecko]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
Lee Harvey Oswald, Charles Manson, and John Wayne Gacy all had kids who were perfectly normal and good members of healthy society. Heinrich Himmler's daughter is kind of a pro-Nazi bitch, but even she never actually hurt anybody.

You've forgiven yourself before - don't lose sight of that.
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My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#422788 - 01/21/13 03:12 AM Re: So my father raped my cousin too... [Re: crazy gecko]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
This isn't about having to forgive myself. It's about looking in the mirror and seeing all the ways in which I am like him. I've always told myself that we were just there... available whenever the sick urge hit him. It never occurred to me that he would seek out another boy and go through the effort to groom him (them?) for the sole purpose of abusing him (them?). I have been forced to face the fact that my father, the man to who I owe half my genetic make-up, was most likely a boda-fide pedophile.

I have his eyes. I've always known that. Now, I look in the mirror and all I see is him - pure evil. It fills me with so much disgust/hate... I can't even describe it. Last night I had fantasies of cutting off one arm, one leg, one ear, digging out one eye... removing half of myself. Removing the part that is him. Thank God I'm not far enough gone to seriously consider actually doing it. I wanted so badly to just cut myself... I want to hurt the part that is him. So I got onto my treadmill and ran as hard as I could until it hurt. Then I kept running until my legs couldn't carry me any more. I'm hurting today - my whole body is hurting. I don't intend to even try to do anything to alleviate it. Being in physical pain is curbing my urge to self-injure further.

I need to call my brother. He probably feels the same way. But I'm scared. I've always been able to lean on him. What if he isn't strong enough to carry me this time?
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

Top
#422789 - 01/21/13 03:29 AM Re: So my father raped my cousin too... [Re: crazy gecko]
traveler Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3199
Loc: back in the USA
Gecko - you are NOT like him - physical appearance is the LEAST important element of who YOU are. YOU are an fighter and a survivor and a victor - a man who has been through the fire of pain and trauma and knows what it is like to be the victim - and has endured that purging and refining process. you could NEVER become like him in that most essential difference. if there was ever an example of overcoming BOTH heredity AND environment - it is YOU!

PLEASE be kind to yourself and see yourself through our eyes - a good man who is doing the best he can - and far, far better than anyone could have expected you to turn out.

Lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#422791 - 01/21/13 03:35 AM Re: So my father raped my cousin too... [Re: crazy gecko]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3566
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey gecko, I'm so sorry to hear that you are having troubles after you found latest news about your father.
Can you acknowledge to yourself that you are far away from him and that you are now in safe place.
Be aware that you have so different path; you done everything to fight him, and you are wining buddy.
You manage to survive his toxicity many ears ago and latest news don't change anything. We knew what kind of man he was and what he was capable to do.

And we know that you are not him nor ever would be.

Please try somehow to ground yourself and to stay in reality.
I hope your emotions would settle soon...

(((gecko)))
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#422794 - 01/21/13 07:36 AM Re: So my father raped my cousin too... [Re: crazy gecko]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
Andrew Vachss is a former CSA specialist turned true-crime novelist, and in some of his books he deals with this exact topic - and says it is especially challenging for incest survivors.

He's had his lead characters basically say to incest survivor characters: "All you really get from your parents are height and baseline intelligence." The motif has come up enough in his books that I must assume he used it on real survivors to good effect.

Lee Oswald's daughter is his identical spitting-image; it's uncanny. But there's nothing she can do about that, is there.
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#422796 - 01/21/13 08:18 AM Re: So my father raped my cousin too... [Re: crazy gecko]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
Thank you guys. Thank you so much for your support. It means so much to me!

And to my cousin - I know you've been here. I know you know who I am. None of this is your fault. Yes, finding out about you did upset me, but all my anger and disgust is directed at the bastard who abused both of us, as well as my brothers. Don't blame yourself. I would have found out sooner or later...
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

Top
#422852 - 01/21/13 07:59 PM Re: So my father raped my cousin too... [Re: crazy gecko]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Gecko - thanks for sharing your journey with us.
Everyone else thanks for your comments - they are for me too.

I think it must be an issue for all of us who have suffered incest.

Even though I often say I look more like my mother that isn't the reality (I do look the most like my mother but I still look more like my father). When I see pictures of the four of us all lined up (And there are many - every wedding, every special occation) all I see is how much alike we all look and EVERYONE comments on it. All the same height give or take 2" (I am the tallest now), same build, all with the same blue eyes etc etc. My father (as I have just come to realise) sexually abused us all and both my brothers have abused not just me but other kids as well. They are ALL pedophiles. It runs in my family!

I have not talked about this much here for fear of judgement but I have had vivid nightmares of sexually abusing my own kids and it is a REAL fear of mine - that I will become just like the rest of the men in my family. And it doesn't matter how many people tell me that I am not them, I am not the same as them - it stares me in the face every time I look in the mirror. I see THEM looking back at me.

I have spent the last 2 days working in the paddocks of my farm on my tractor crying uncontrolably - where noone could see or hear me. This song came onto my iPod several times and REALLY helped me get out of that hole.

It is Family Tree by Matthew West http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-opi1Qre8Cc

The lyrics that speak the most are ....

You didn't ask for this
Nobody ever would
Caught in the middle of this dysfunction
It's your sad reality
It's your messed up family tree
And now you're left with all these questions
Are you gonna be like your father was and his father was
Do you have to carry what they handed down?
......

I dedicate this song to all survivors of incest and I hope it speaks to you as it did me.
BTW they used this song on The Vampire Diaries soundtrack which is just scary for obvious reasons.

Lee

I have not and will not harm any child!


Edited by Farmer Boy (01/21/13 08:04 PM)
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More than meets the eye!

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#422888 - 01/22/13 02:41 AM Re: So my father raped my cousin too... [Re: Farmer Boy]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
Farmer Boy - thank you for sharing that.

I can tell you that the very fact that you call those dreams "nightmares" tells me they will never come true for you.

I'm listening to that song now. I listened to it on youtube and downloaded it immediately. The tears are running down my face. Thank God for office doors.

It looks like I have finally stumbled into a special kind of hell reserved for incest survivors - the hell where there is a pedophile in every mirror.

I blew my girlfriend off last night - told her not to come over. I don't want her to see me, to look at me. I miss her and want to call her, but I still don't want her to look at me...

They say the eyes are the window to the soul.

I have his eyes.

I'm putting that song on repeat. Perhaps, if I listen to it enough, I'll start to believe the lyrics... I want to believe it!
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

Top
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