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#421401 - 01/07/13 03:06 PM Re: Am I the enemy? [Re: jasondoe101]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
Hi Jason,

I hope this helps a little. I can just offer my experience, listen supportively and offer you encouragement and hope that your life can get better.

I for one (and I know others who'd say this too) am glad you are here and talking about your attractions to children and being lonely and everything else. You are not at all "the enemy". Myself, and many other male survivors I've talked to usually have various aspects of their sexual attractions and behavior that are somehow troublesome. All kinds of stuff--it would be a long list to summarize. It's hard to talk about, and hard to find someone who can listen and be helpful in response. But they are out there. And likely here too.

About "attractions"... Thoughts and feelings don't hurt anyone. I... most men I would guess, have attractions that it would be unwise to act on for some reason or another. Most handle it without the slightest difficulty. You've shown here a definite preference not to act on that. I know survivors with attractions to children they manage so they never risk acting on them. That's really the only choice.

If that's your intention, I think you'll find a lot of therapists who'd be happy to help you work on that. You're understandably worried about reporting. I trained as a sexual assault advocate and am a mandatory reporter when acting as such. (not "off duty" like at a party). I also can tell you, there's no reporting about something that didn't clearly happen, and when you can't identify the exact child who was abused. I've never reported anything but that was our instruction.
Actually, Jason, you have a huge protection here I was taught as well as an advocate but it applies to therapists too. Saying anything unauthorized by you alone about your treatment and what you disclose there that's NOT required by law is a violation of your confidentiality. Ask Ken but that is a HUGE professional violation that every therapist I know takes very seriously. So breaking that confidentiality is no small matter and you should be able to discuss this very straightforwardly with your therapist. My sense is that most therapists are far more worried about serious consequences from breaking confidentiality than from not reporting.

Originally Posted By: jasondoe101
I'm not sure if it's worth it.


I know you're wondering if it's worth talking to your therapist about, but it makes me think of something I've written about and heard come up many times in a support group I lead for a few years... Boys usually don't tell about being sexually abused, or aren't believed or helped if they do. They go silent, and stay silent and become men who've never talked about "it". Believe me, I know there are a lot of after effects.

Since you're just "getting this off your chest". You made a few posts here. Good question. Is it worth talking about "it"?

How does this work? Well, I can just tell you how it works for me, and what I perceive about others.

In short. You have to talk about it a lot. About the abuse, explore all the effects and issues. And get helpful, supportive responses, not stuff that you feel shamed, mis-understood or isolated by. Therapists can be good, but that relationship is more or less not like "real life" which is a benefit and a limitation. It costs money ( a LOT for me) and it's time-limited and only there on a schedule.

Expecting that from your partner or friends is expecting probably, likely too much. It takes a lot of talking and time which probably is burdensome for them. And your relationship with them. And, particularly, if you've not experienced abuse, it can be hard to understand and perhaps frankly, not so interesting to hear about say, 2-5 hours a week. So, they may respond in a not-so-helpful way. They have the same training as everyone in our society about avoiding this subject in all it's details involving sex past and present, same-sex "stuff", etc, etc. Avoiding it just doesn't work.

So, talking to other survivors of sexual abuse works better I think. Not perfect. They tend to understand quickly. Their experiences are often the same, similar or give them insight. That just shatters isolation and feeling lonely from it in time. And shame too ... IN TIME. Both people benefit too, the "listener". Give it time. In three years, I've gotten so I don't much care who knows I was molested. I've talked on TV even a bit. The shame is almost completely gone and totally manageable, minor. Big help. Let's you work with it all and progress. And help others, which helps you too. We need "connection" to others.

Start "talking" , online perhaps, and perhaps in time, find other survivors in your area to talk to in person. Trust me. They are out there, JUST LIKE YOU. I've seen it over and over. It's hard, painful, you don't want to do it, but those who do, stick with it, always seem to say it's SO worth it.

You can do it. Find what help works for you. I can't predict your future, but I hope you are one of us who quickly finds there are ways to steadily make changes for the better. MUCH better. Perhaps more than you've ever dreamed possible.
_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

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#421795 - 01/10/13 07:02 PM Re: Am I the enemy? [Re: jasondoe101]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 285
Loc: MO
Hi Jason,

You are just one of us. It is a struggle for an estimated one-third of all male csa survivors. Some perpetrate, others don't. We do not ostracize those who struggle, nor consider them the enemy.

You suggested it was a good thing that you were using drugs or alcohol to cope. That is so true. But think of your struggle as one similar to getting clean and sober. There is for most of us times when we think about or are temped to drink or use.

I have been sober for 21 years. Just because you can't help thinking about it doesn't mean you have to do it.

But it must be talked about, you have to find people who will listen and help you and support you. As long as you donot act of the temptation you ARE NOT THE ENEMY. yOU ARE JUST ONE OF US. Since I have been on this site I have learnwed we all have a different story, and we all are just the same.

No one requires that you take risks before you are ready. It is your decision. Any of us know what you think, although that may come in time, But you do have power over how you act ansd what you disclose.

Please join us in the struggle.

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#421974 - 01/13/13 10:54 AM Re: Am I the enemy? [Re: jasondoe101]
Ivo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/08/04
Posts: 267
Loc: Germany
I doubt that genetics can be explanation for situation in which you are. Of course genes do influence many things but unfortunately human beings and their behavior is far more complex to be explained by pure genetics.
What you miss is bigger picture. It is almost 100% that you are coming from emotionally dysfunctional family. So basically you are not by accident target.
To fully understand where you are standing you must understand dysfunctionality of your family on one side and psychology of that guy that groomed you (for example you still do not fully understand why he pulled from you when you were 11 and sadly you still believe that his feelings were genuine).
It would be smart to seek professional guidance in those matters, I am not saying that you can be reborn as another person and start new life; but at least to be able to really understand yourself is worth of shot.
Cheers

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#422355 - 01/17/13 09:10 AM Re: Am I the enemy? [Re: jasondoe101]
jasondoe101 Offline


Registered: 12/22/12
Posts: 37
This is so funny that you guys claim to be so open and yet you guys reported me to the moderators for being open myself. LOL!

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#422358 - 01/17/13 09:25 AM Re: Am I the enemy? [Re: jasondoe101]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3603
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Jason don't be like that.
I don't know who did and what.
I'm glad that we have opportunity to discuss this matter and I'm glad that you are here with us and willing to do something about your attractions.
As I'm concerned such discussion we can proceed trough PMs out of public board as obviously such matter could be very triggering for some survivors....

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#422608 - 01/19/13 12:55 AM Re: Am I the enemy? [Re: jasondoe101]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 594
I appreciate your courage, Jason. My issues are not exactly the same as yours but the responses people have given you have helped me. So I want to say thank you for being willing to put yourself out there and allowing this conversation to take place.
_________________________
Like a spent gladiator
crawling in the colosseum dust
who can count on his remaining limbs
all the people he can trust.
Like the one who stands behind him
cheering him on
Estatic when he stands defiant,
wild with abandon when he's gone

just stay alive.
do whatever you need to.
you are worth it.

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#422634 - 01/19/13 12:50 PM Re: Am I the enemy? [Re: Jacob S]
jasondoe101 Offline


Registered: 12/22/12
Posts: 37
Originally Posted By: Jacob S
I appreciate your courage, Jason. My issues are not exactly the same as yours but the responses people have given you have helped me. So I want to say thank you for being willing to put yourself out there and allowing this conversation to take place.

Thanks but it appears that this site is filled with people who are more fucked up than I am!

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#422638 - 01/19/13 01:31 PM Re: Am I the enemy? [Re: jasondoe101]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3603
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Jason, I'm here for some time and trying to reply on your comment.
I see that you are hurt and angry but that doesn't help. Doesn't help either fact that such talk is not allowed here frown
Please look how to calm yourself...
_________________________
My story

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#424351 - 02/05/13 04:45 AM Re: Am I the enemy? [Re: jasondoe101]
Ivo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/08/04
Posts: 267
Loc: Germany
Originally Posted By: jasondoe101

Thanks but it appears that this site is filled with people who are more fucked up than I am!

Well at least we learned some hard facts about moderators here.

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