Newest Members
Won'tGiveUp, sillyputty, Pytbull, manipulated, donmarks
12383 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Beluga (64), Isreal101 (65), Phil Sober (41), phil1973 (41), Teddy Bear (63)
Who's Online
4 registered (traveler, BraveFalcon, 2 invisible), 26 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12383 Members
74 Forums
63638 Topics
444465 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 4 1 2 3 4 >
Topic Options
#422628 - 01/19/13 11:08 AM I wish I was sexually abused
DarkHadou Offline


Registered: 10/13/10
Posts: 117
by an older female sibling or cousin or mother, I hate the FACT I was sexually abused by males, it makes me question my sexuality, I had sex with males, that thought itself is not only disturbing but I just get frustrated just by thinking about it, if I think about it as much and as deep as I want to I will end up punching the wall or putting holes on the wall and being pissed off the whole week then I will calm down and then next time I think about it I will get pissed off again, I'm just saying that if I had a choice my abuser will NOT be a male, now the way I think about the abuse is different than it was years ago, I have incest fantasies, just fantasies and put myself in that situation but of being molested or abused by a female, an older sister

Top
#422631 - 01/19/13 11:45 AM Re: I wish I was sexually abused [Re: DarkHadou]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 761
Loc: michigan
hey bud
I understand your frustration,I can tell you that it is no improvement to be molested by a female perp. my first times of being molested were females and all it served to do is cause a TON of confusion. I didn't like it and as time went on I came to understand that I was supposed to somehow. I didn't like the attention from the girls after that and it never really got any better they scared me then and still do. when I was attacked my guys It was more like just another bully attacking me hurting me or what ever... like "that's just life" the sexual confusion and the pain are still there no matter who our abusers are... it still sucks.


Edited by newground (01/19/13 11:46 AM)
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

Top
#422632 - 01/19/13 12:15 PM Re: I wish I was sexually abused [Re: DarkHadou]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1663
all abuse by a male or female causes problems--they may differ but trust, attitude toward sex, confusion, self loathing seem cross no matter who the perp is--male or female. Abuse by male to male leaves victims questioning who they are, their sexuality--did I provoke or enjoy, trying to cope by acting out the abuse as a means to control what happen without emotion or satisfaction--the control will always elude. Be easy on yourself--get some help and try to understand your acting out does not define you or your sexuality. It is a way for you to cope and a false attempt to bring closure to the abuse. You need to to talk to a therapist and try to reconcile your feelings--part of you despises the abuser and sadly the part that he may have groomed-the child-feels love or a special feeling toward the abuser. You cannot control the abuse by acting out--you need to resolve the inner conflict--I can tell you it is a bi**h--I have that feeling that part of me holds of being special to the abuser.

It takes time, be gentle to yourself and remember any sexual abuse can mess a child's life.

Top
#422635 - 01/19/13 12:53 PM Re: I wish I was sexually abused [Re: DarkHadou]
LazyPirate Offline


Registered: 01/03/13
Posts: 106
Loc: Ontario
Ya, due to the CSA by a male I've spent most of my life being afraid to be close to other males. I have issue with be attended to by male doctors, etc. As a side effect I've only been able to feel comfortable with women. I'm working on that tho... My current Chiropractor is a guy & he's great! For years I wished that I had been abused by a woman, but now I don't think that matters.
_________________________
The Bluebird of Happiness long absent from his life, Ned is visited by the Chicken of Depression. - Gary Larson

Top
#422641 - 01/19/13 02:36 PM Re: I wish I was sexually abused [Re: DarkHadou]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
The grass is always greener ...

Top
#422655 - 01/19/13 07:04 PM Re: I wish I was sexually abused [Re: DarkHadou]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 916
Loc: New York
If I'd been abused by a female, I probably would have been spared the brutally violent pain, memories of which are severely challenging me now. However.... it was that brutality that led my mind to bury and avalanche and irradiate the memories and sow salt in the earth so that all I was left with were sterile stills from a silent movie, emotionless, signifying nothing. Which allowed me to have a childhood that all in all I'd judge as happy and normal.

For lack of that physical trauma, I likely would have had to deal with abuse from a female in mental realtime. And who knows what that would have done to my ability to build the life I had until the Doomsday Door got blasted open just a few months ago?

Though I'm sure it's not that black and white. You can't assume any human normality from any of this breed. A female sick enough to do this at all could quite likely think up tools of pain and terror all her own. In the morning, in the evening, ain't we got fun.
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

Top
#422663 - 01/19/13 08:33 PM Re: I wish I was sexually abused [Re: DarkHadou]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
removed per user


Edited by ModTeam (05/02/13 01:45 PM)

Top
#422664 - 01/19/13 08:40 PM Re: I wish I was sexually abused [Re: Smalltown80sBoy]
DarkHadou Offline


Registered: 10/13/10
Posts: 117
Originally Posted By: Smalltown80sBoy
Males who were abused by females have it difficult as well.

Look at Debra Lafave's victim:

http://www2.tbo.com/news/breaking-news/2011/sep/22/7/debra-lafave-no-longer-on-probation-ar-259770/

Also watch the video. The clip of the sister's testimony is brief but heartbreaking (starting around the 1:25 mark).

I can't say what would be different because my sex perps were all males. But I was physically abused by my mom and brother and both were equally harmful. And I have read many stories of men who were sexually abused by females and from my understanding it's not like the Mrs. Robinson or Private Lessons type of initiation that is portrayed in films.


I don't care if the negative effects would of been the same. It's the fact that I HAD sex with males, that bothers me. It disgusts me. I care. Looks like a lot of here don't. " I don't care if I was abused by a male or female. " Well, I DO. If I had to choose it would be a female automatically.

Top
#422665 - 01/19/13 08:44 PM Re: I wish I was sexually abused [Re: DarkHadou]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1356
Quote:
I'm just saying that if I had a choice my abuser will NOT be a male

Well I don't even know how to answer this except to say that if you had a choice, it wouldn't BE abuse.

?
_________________________



Click my pic to see why I'm here

Top
#422693 - 01/20/13 03:36 AM Re: I wish I was sexually abused [Re: DarkHadou]
traveler Online   confused
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3419
Loc: somewhere in Africa
while you are wishing - why not wish that you WERE NOT abused? it makes just as much difference in the long run = 0.
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#422702 - 01/20/13 09:23 AM Re: I wish I was sexually abused [Re: DarkHadou]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1356
Originally Posted By: DarkHadou
I hate the FACT I was sexually abused by males, it makes me question my sexuality, I had sex with males, that thought itself is not only disturbing but ... if I think about it as much and as deep as I want to I will end up punching the wall or putting holes on the wall and being pissed off the whole week then I will calm down and then next time I think about it I will get pissed off again

OK, DH, fellow readers...I was "biting my tongue" on this. I thought I would add more to what I wrote last night but didn't trust my thoughts. Now that I have had some time to really think about it, I find it difficult to dismiss my feelings as over-reaction or over-sensitivity. In the interests of being frank and open - and with all due respect for DH's candor and trust in us to put this out there - I really need to state my concerns.

This is homophobia, plain and simple. This is not subtle, and I am surprised, DH, that you have not been called out on this yet. You have essentially forgiven the abuse but not the homosexuality it implied. You have separated the abuse from the sexuality, then wished for the former while denouncing the latter. Even the statement "I was sexually abused by males" morphed in the very same sentence to "I had sex with males" - the word abused being dropped, and at that you punch the wall. In fact, your entire thread begins with a highly provocative statement - "I wish I was sexually abused" - which is never dispelled in the darker truths you reveal.

Before you think I am over-reacting, consider this. I am gay/bi (from the abuse? - I guess I'll never know). I went through a "homophobic period" as a way to separate myself from my abuse and it took a long time for me to come to terms with my sexuality from the serial mess I was entangled in as a child. So perhaps this lends credibility to my perspective from once having a similar mindset. Most homophobia that I have experienced comes from homosexuals who are deeply repressed - as if denouncing the demon loudly enough and publicly enough will somehow slay the dragon within. I tried that myself. It does not work. The irony of which I speak plays out on many stages from civic leaders to politicians to evangelists to priests - so this twisted hypocrisy does not exist just in my imagination. But my fear of gays never became hatred - I never expressed rage or displaced physical aggression as you are doing. I'm not a psychologist. And I am certainly not implying that you are dealing with a repressed sexual identity. That's a question only you can answer. I speak only to my own experiences.

I never became a "gay basher", and I'm not suggesting that you are, either. But I can't help but wonder if that is the next stop for you on this angry train you are riding.
_________________________



Click my pic to see why I'm here

Top
#422729 - 01/20/13 04:30 PM Re: I wish I was sexually abused [Re: DarkHadou]
LazyPirate Offline


Registered: 01/03/13
Posts: 106
Loc: Ontario
I'm partly there with you Eric... But DH isn't all wrong in my books. I'm straight. The fact that I was abused by a male sickens me to no end. Remembering his dick inside me or the way it tasted makes me want to vomit. I too went thru a stage where I longed for the abuse to have been committed by a woman. I know now that that thought was incorrect... No matter what, there would have been pain & suffering. Where there's abuse, pain follows. I don't think that thoughts like that make me homophobic... I just know that I'm not gay, so being raped by a man is horrifying to me... But equally horrifying may be rape by a woman. Maybe DH is homophobic, but maybe not. We've all been thru hell & the road back is long & confusing at times. I do, definitely respect your opinions, Eric.
_________________________
The Bluebird of Happiness long absent from his life, Ned is visited by the Chicken of Depression. - Gary Larson

Top
#422747 - 01/20/13 08:22 PM Re: I wish I was sexually abused [Re: DarkHadou]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
It's not homophobia. (at least I don't look at it that way) It is a horrible experience that happened and wishing that it may not have been as destructive if it had been different.

I don't believe that it would automatically be less destructive if it had been a female perp. From the reading I have done on this it would be different and just as bad.

Top
#422754 - 01/20/13 09:04 PM Re: I wish I was sexually abused [Re: DarkHadou]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
Iremoved per user


Edited by ModTeam (05/02/13 01:45 PM)

Top
#422790 - 01/21/13 03:30 AM Re: I wish I was sexually abused [Re: DarkHadou]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1996
Loc: durham, north england
while I would certainly agree with Eric and some of the others that homophobia as an attitude is always bad, I don't think throwing around accusations here helps, since there are several different attitudes and feelings expressed by dh which could be very different.

Take my own case. I was abused by females and I am straight, yet because! of that abuse I have experienced genophobia, that is over baring panic reactions and fear at the thought of any kind of s/x.

when i considder the abuse, considder the experiencial content, I do feel a sense of physical disgust, remembering the smell of cigarettes, the spit in my face, even the feel of my abusers breasts, not to mention my own physical reaction. this is not because I find women disgusting, I don't, (I am straight), I did however find the experiences disgusting. I find the fact that the closest I have been to someone was while having my penis violently and forceably squeezed and called a bastard disgusts me, simply because of the experience itself, because it was a disgusting experience, the same way being asked to drink from a toilet would be a disgusting experience.

This is exactly why i now have genophobia, why I now find the idea of having s/x with a woman frankly terrifying!

None of these however are a moral judgement, they are an experiencial one, they are ideas about my own personal reactions and experiences, not judgements about the reactions of others. I'd never cryticize someone for having s/x with a woman, ---- or indeed a man for that matter, whatever my own fear reactions would say. I do know however, that back when I was 18-22 or so, I did go through a sort of victorian moral reaction, where I'd find the idea of s/x outside of a long term relationship extremely wrong, indeed for a long while I essentially believed all relationships were purely emotional friendships. I now recognize that this belief was due to me not having separated out my own experiences and reactions, or become self aware enough to understand the difference betwene finding something disgusting, and thinking it wrong.

I would assume that, had I been abused by men, I would feel a similar reaction, and doubtless have gone through a similar cycle of disgust.

So, while I would absolutely agree that homophobia is wrong, I am not exactly convinced that dh's above statements were made as a moral judgement at all which could be characterized as homophobic, since he only expressed his own! disgust at s/x with males, not that he would judge anyone! who had s/x with a man as disgusting.

Btw, on the subject of abuser gender, well as has been said the statement about grass and greener seems to apply. I could! for instance say myself that had I been abused by a man my relations with women and my hole trouble with relationships wouldn't have happened, however such a statement is far too easy and I might as well just wish it hadn't happened at all.

However Dh, the fact that I could! come up with a convincing reason why i would've myself preferd male abuse to female might suggest something to you yourself.

personally I'd recommend instead of considdering the might have beens, try and deal with your feelings about things as they are, as it will help a lot more in the long run.

Top
#422804 - 01/21/13 08:53 AM Re: I wish I was sexually abused [Re: DarkHadou]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1356
I do not enjoy picking fights or being controversial. But I question DH's statement both from my perspective as a member of the gay community and as a survivor of child sex abuse. Nowhere does he condemn the abuse; in fact his entire post is a clearly stated "wish" to "fantasize" about different sexualities defining the boundaries of a more permissible abuse. That is like wishing the person who robbed you at gun point was white instead of black. I particularly question how he can redefine the issue of sexual molestation completely and entirely in terms of sexual preference, and then have others excuse his hate-tinged comments as somehow worthy of protection under the umbrella definition of abuse. It cheapens the efforts of all of us as survivors to embrace what is essentially just a masquerade of intolerant rhetoric.
_________________________



Click my pic to see why I'm here

Top
#422853 - 01/21/13 09:04 PM Re: I wish I was sexually abused [Re: DarkHadou]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
removed per user


Edited by ModTeam (05/02/13 01:44 PM)

Top
#422854 - 01/21/13 09:06 PM Re: I wish I was sexually abused [Re: Chase Eric]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
removed per user


Edited by ModTeam (05/02/13 01:44 PM)

Top
#422860 - 01/21/13 09:19 PM Re: I wish I was sexually abused [Re: DarkHadou]
traveler Online   confused
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3419
Loc: somewhere in Africa
hey, guys - we are all past victims and survivors of abuse - many different circumstances - and some similarities of aftereffects as well as some differences. we all process things a little differently, too. can't we just agree that we were all messed up by our experiences and understand and tolerate how that may be expressed differently too. no one is personally attacking anyone else here - we are all in a mess and trying to find our way out. let's be patient and gentle and not take things so personally.

lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#422863 - 01/21/13 09:33 PM Re: I wish I was sexually abused [Re: traveler]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1663
Lee

I agree with you-the experience impacts in many ways--it is different for each of us--our minds are different, how we process events is different, how we react to situations are different, how we cope is different, who we act out is different but the common element is the abuse. We are all wired differently and no one will understand why we became what we became. So we need to understand and accept what we did as a result of the abuse or how our minds reacted, including lost time and fugues, is not always in our control. Let us support each other through the difficult healing process.

Kevin

Top
#422870 - 01/21/13 09:57 PM Re: I wish I was sexually abused [Re: DarkHadou]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
removed per user


Edited by ModTeam (05/02/13 01:43 PM)

Top
#422871 - 01/21/13 10:01 PM Re: I wish I was sexually abused [Re: DarkHadou]
traveler Online   confused
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3419
Loc: somewhere in Africa
neutral is NOT taking sides!
i can see BOTH points of view.
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#422877 - 01/21/13 10:56 PM Re: I wish I was sexually abused [Re: DarkHadou]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
removed per user


Edited by ModTeam (05/02/13 01:43 PM)

Top
#422886 - 01/22/13 01:47 AM Re: I wish I was sexually abused [Re: DarkHadou]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
I haven't read through the whole thread and thus I don't know if the comments were homophobic or not. In fact, I've avoided this thread until now because I was sure it was a troll. But people keep replying so it must be for real. The fact is, I find the title of this thread seriously distasteful. "I wish I was sexually abused" really? WTF? Is that the only title you could come up with? On a site full of people who live in hell every day because WERE sexually abused?
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

Top
#422900 - 01/22/13 08:04 AM Re: I wish I was sexually abused [Re: DarkHadou]
LazyPirate Offline


Registered: 01/03/13
Posts: 106
Loc: Ontario
I don't think there is much for the Mods to do here, frankly. It is a guy expressing his opinions about what happened to him. Homophobic? Maybe. Misguided? Maybe. Poor choice of words? Yep. The fact that others are defending him, or at least calling for cooler heads is NOT against any rules, I'm sure. I am not homophobic & I don't think I (or anyone else) should be called that on here. We are all brothers because of this hell & need one another's support. CE & ST80B, because of the words you've posted I know you guys understand this as well as anybody. I wish for peace here.
_________________________
The Bluebird of Happiness long absent from his life, Ned is visited by the Chicken of Depression. - Gary Larson

Top
#422918 - 01/22/13 10:56 AM Re: I wish I was sexually abused [Re: crazy gecko]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1356
Originally Posted By: a Good Friend Here...
neutral is NOT taking sides!

I see a disturbing irony in that sentiment. In fact, I would argue that neutral IS taking sides. Neutral? It is simply a decision not to decide. It is a decision not to act. It is a decision not to step in and help. In some cases, it is a decision not to think. Neutral is at best a hollow placation of both sides of an issue without investing in the passion of stronger conscience.

History is full of neutral people. They are called appeasers. From the British Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain who appeased Hitler just to keep things peaceful ("Peace in our time") all the way down to those undeciders who allowed molestation to fester under their noses. In the Catholic Church. In the Boy Scouts. At Penn State. So many of us are here in this forum precisely because those who should have stepped in stayed neutral. I was molested under the eyes of those who simply would not see. Frankly, I don't see much difference here in this thread. And I find it hard to reconcile how some survivors here - many whose abuse smoldered and festered under the unwatchful gaze of those who should have taken a stand - can stomach for an instant the implications of what DH has said.

You want neutral? Two names. Tim Curley. Gary Schultz. Two men who decided to keep things neutral. If you don't know them, Google them.
_________________________



Click my pic to see why I'm here

Top
#422921 - 01/22/13 11:03 AM Re: I wish I was sexually abused [Re: DarkHadou]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 861
Loc: washington
As a sober survivor, I am reminded that a drug is a drug is a drug...(and trauma is trauma). Each with its own set of problems.

In my own personal case, I am faced with this nature / nurture paradox. No matter how you slice it...there is a short circuiting of normal sexual development. For me this is not so much about orientation but the confusion it caused. I was robbed, of voluntary curious experimentation...(not to mention I also have trust issues).

I eroticized the abuse...for me this was a learned survival tool. I also got deep into borrowing skin mags, (unbeknownst to my father), that had anything to do with female domination...(which I have come to believe is another survival technique, (form of distraction)...just like fantasizing).

Perhaps, we have an original poor choice of words, at the same time I believe there is merit about discussing the underlying issues in a civil manner.

In the end, wishful thinking reminds of another coping technique. These coping techniques though they serve to get us from point "a" to point "b" don't seem really useful in the long run. It reminds me of a post many moons ago where I was advised to get in touch with and become one with the pain.

this is entirely opposite of trying to avoid your triggers, rather I believe you are embracing them as a way to desensitize and take away there power...(that day actually really sucked....but I am still glad I did it).

We can focus on motor and we can focus on the battery. but if we don't deal with the soul sickness or lack of spiritual energy that is required to heal us...we are really going nowhere in a hurry.


The World I Know (Collective Soul)

island
_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

Top
#422963 - 01/22/13 06:59 PM Re: I wish I was sexually abused [Re: DarkHadou]
traveler Online   confused
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3419
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Eric - i don't deserve this anger.
send it where it belongs - outside of MS!

OK, here's what i mean by neutral:

i was abused by males and then called a queer for being the passive victim. at various times in my life - years at a stretch - not just fleeting feelings - i have identified with macho heterosexuals who are considered normal by society - and at other times with gays who are considered abnormal by the prejudiced majority. i have felt and thought nearly every single thing that each of the posts above describe. like i said - i can see (AND FEEL - since i have been there) both points of view. i understand the issues.

what i am saying - is - everyone, please be kind and understanding with one another. i am not the enemy. the original poster is not the enemy. no one is attacking any one individual's personhood or value. we survivors - of all people - should know that recovery is a process. the things written here are not the bottom line. we all need to have the freedom to work through our battles with whichever particular demons we have to fight. trying to self-censor and conform to someone else's sensitivities would be more reasonable if he were responding to your thread - not the other way around. this is a major hijack! he's got enough to try to handle right now - it's not helpful to pile on more guilt for having triggered or hurt you. this thread is not the place for a societal reformation. it is one survivor dealing with his painful past - as we are all trying to do.

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#422964 - 01/22/13 07:01 PM Re: I wish I was sexually abused [Re: DarkHadou]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
removed per user


Edited by ModTeam (05/02/13 01:43 PM)

Top
#422978 - 01/22/13 09:10 PM Re: I wish I was sexually abused [Re: traveler]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1356
Originally Posted By: traveler
Eric - i don't deserve this anger.
send it where it belongs - outside of MS!

Hey Lee -

Please do not construe my reaction to what you said with an attack on you. I appreciate what you bring here and consider you a friend. I agree with much of what you write here. But I disagree with the idea of neutrality and still stand by what I said (well of course I do - because I'm not neutral smile ). We should be able to do that and be cool with each other. I made my point - but I could have added a note of "due respect" and for that I apologize. But that said, did you ever notice that the Quote box reads "a good friend"?

And I also think (with all due respect) - re: your point above - that what I say DOES belong right here at MS - not outside of it. We are ALL triggerable. This site cannot exist with any meaning if it doesn't trigger. Written jousting that triggers is how I heal - I'm not afraid to test my thoughts against popular currents and I'm ready to be proven wrong if need be. It's not important that I be right. It's only important that I learn where right is - it may well be on the other side of the argument I am on. But I'll never learn that unless I take a stand.

It is worth saying that I carefully review and edit each sentence to avoid personal attacks. Please look carefully and review what I have written. I do not even attack DH - I address only the words he puts out here. Reread what I have written and I think you will see that is true. If it is not, take me to task for it. I really try to be very careful about that. But the words we publish should be fair game to discuss - to argue if need be. That should be what we are about. Healing isn't always a peaceful process. Stagnation is.

This is a tremendously important discussion. Because I argue vigorously a given point does not mean I do not see or understand the arguments on the other side of the issue. In fact, that is how I see them. I understand the strange and even embarrassing places that CSA takes us - and that those places can be different for each person. I respect anyone - even DH - for putting himself out here and showing his thoughts, being vulnerable. I don't think he does it to be given a pass. I certainly don't. I'm here to do the work.
_________________________



Click my pic to see why I'm here

Top
#422981 - 01/22/13 10:25 PM Re: I wish I was sexually abused [Re: DarkHadou]
cosmos Offline


Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 184
Loc: Puget Sound
Gentlemen please remember that everyone here has their own issues to deal with a lot of times they overlap, sometimes they don’t, sometimes they might even offend without trying to be offensive. The original poster while I agree with C. Gecko that he seems a troll if you look at his posts really center on his conflicted sexuality:

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=userposts&view=started&id=8937.

We are supposed to be there for each other, not turn the pain of another member into something that it was never meant to be. For those lucky few here to be 100% certain of their sexual identity I applaud you, I wish I could have the same type of certainty, most of us here struggle with it, right? I personally found the title very offensive and the content as well but we all need to understand and remember that a member was bearing his soul to us as we all have done, if you find it offensive or you have nothing of value to add then don’t reply, but please don’t hijack the thread and turn it into a crusade. We all need open and honest dialog to heal, to be able to let go of the pain, maybe the poster is really struggling with his sexual identity, maybe he knows he's gay but just can’t accept it. We all know the pressure to deny and repress what happened to each of us, but how many of us have struggled for years against our true nature (homosexual) just because society does not accept anything but a man being with a women, it’s a very powerful programming and for those older members it must really have been very difficult to accept that you weren’t attracted to the opposite sex in the 70’s or 60’s, or the real dark ages of the MacCarthist 50’s.

The bottom line is we have a member who like everyone here has memories of things that have changed all our lives in horrific ways, we know what it’s like to be at the mercy of someone who’s only concern is themselves, we were just their “fix”, we need to be there for each other, not tear each other down no matter how offensive or revolting a given topic is. We need to be as adult here as possible not squabble like school children with nothing better to do then turn the innermost feelings of a member into some form of flame-war. Please we all need to be rational and civil here, useless ad-hominem attacks add nothing and are both harmful to the poster (bad karma) and can hurt the responder (more bad karma), let alone add nothing to the repository of the MS board archives.

Cee

For those that forget Matthew Sheppard or forget the suffering still going on, even in Brooklyn:
http://www.democracynow.org/2013/1/22/headlines#1226

Let alone dealing with the eff’d up church and the largest group of perps on the planet.

Gentlemen I’m tired of seeing the “trainwrecks”, people die in them, right?
_________________________
"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

Top
#422982 - 01/22/13 10:28 PM Re: I wish I was sexually abused [Re: DarkHadou]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
removed per user


Edited by ModTeam (05/02/13 01:42 PM)

Top
#422984 - 01/22/13 10:44 PM Re: I wish I was sexually abused [Re: cosmos]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
removed per user


Edited by ModTeam (05/02/13 01:41 PM)

Top
#422988 - 01/22/13 11:05 PM Re: I wish I was sexually abused [Re: Smalltown80sBoy]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1356
Quote:
Originally Posted By: cosmos
We need to be as adult here as possible not squabble like school children with nothing better to do then turn the innermost feelings of a member into some form of flame-war. Please we all need to be rational and civil here, useless ad-hominem attacks add nothing and are both harmful to the poster (bad karma) and can hurt the responder (more bad karma), let alone add nothing to the repository of the MS board archives.

Originally Posted By: Gary
I think that's a mischaracterization of what is happening here. So far I have seen no ad-hominem attacks, or flame war, or squabble like school children. That may be how some people view it, but maybe what some people see as a flame war might be a spirited but respectful disagreement on homophobia at Male Survivor. This isn't the first time this has come up. Maybe one or two of us will say something, if that, and then it goes away. I'm tired of it.

With all respect to cosmos, I fully agree with Gary. I really don't see any "immature squabbling" or "useless ad-hominem attacks" - I think the arguments on all sides are reasonable and this is a discussion worth having. The argument is passionate and may seem messy, but I think if you read closely you will find few if any truly personal attacks. Always one to check myself, I have just reread all of my posts in this thread and can assure you I have only responded to what has been posted, believe I have been reasoned in my approach, and complied with the tenets of the posting guidelines. If you disagree or think I am out of line, please let me know specifically.
_________________________



Click my pic to see why I'm here

Top
#422991 - 01/23/13 12:39 AM Re: I wish I was sexually abused [Re: DarkHadou]
cosmos Offline


Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 184
Loc: Puget Sound
Gary, Eric I agree that the remarks are offensive but is the poster knowingly, purposely trying to be offensive and homophobic or just trying to deal with abuse. While offensive and divisive it is not in and of itself homophobic. When comments are made that are not germane to the post, but hijack it and bring up homophobia it becomes about homophobia and not the original issue at hand. Not being mindful of the original intent of the post and entering your own prejudices into the discussion is a de-facto ad-hominem attack on the original poster by minimizing and usurping the original issue, homophobic or not. DH has some dark things to deal with, our discussion about homophobia may or may not help, but it’s definitely a hijack. Just as I’m outraged by DH’s posts my heart goes out to him and hope he figures this out for himself, it sounds like he’s in a lot of pain and denial.

Originally Posted By: Smalltown80sBoy
I've read through the guidelines and find no guideline for homophobic content. There should be. The fact that there is not collective outrage over this thread proves there should be some moderation on this issue.

I'm going to take a step back and alert a mod about this thread. Until clear guidelines are set for homophobic content, I will no longer be posting in the forums.


Sorry Gary I cannot disagree more it’s the reason that I responded, asking for “adult supervision” when there is no need for one is just senseless micro-management and potential censorship; sorry it just seems very childish to report this thread. Your opinion and voice have great value here, it would be a great loss to MS if you stopped posting.

See my point is that everyone is a member of some disadvantaged group; everyone likes to think they’re a member of some group that requires special this or that, its human nature. Just here on the net on MS we need to be more forgiving of other people’s foibles, and no so quick to take offense. We need to agree that we disagree.

Cee

Mods please move this thread to alt.politics.

tia
_________________________
"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

Top
#422999 - 01/23/13 07:53 AM Re: I wish I was sexually abused [Re: DarkHadou]
LazyPirate Offline


Registered: 01/03/13
Posts: 106
Loc: Ontario
Cosmos = spot on. (with all due respect to everyone else's opinions)
_________________________
The Bluebird of Happiness long absent from his life, Ned is visited by the Chicken of Depression. - Gary Larson

Top
#423052 - 01/23/13 09:19 PM Re: I wish I was sexually abused [Re: DarkHadou]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
removed per user


Edited by ModTeam (05/02/13 01:41 PM)

Top
#423061 - 01/23/13 10:37 PM Re: I wish I was sexually abused [Re: Smalltown80sBoy]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1356
ho·mo·pho·bia noun
Definition of HOMOPHOBIA
: irrational fear of, aversion to, or discrimination against homosexuality or homosexuals

Originally Posted By: DarkHadou
I wish I was molested by an older female sibling or cousin or mother ... I'm just saying that if I had a choice my abuser will NOT be a male...but of being molested or abused by a female, an older sister.

I don't care if the negative effects would of been the same. It's the fact that I HAD sex with males, that bothers me. It disgusts me. I care. Looks like a lot of here don't. " I don't care if I was abused by a male or female. " Well, I DO. If I had to choose it would be a female automatically.

Seems pretty clear to me that this statement meets the unimpassioned, unconnotative Meriam Webster definition of homophobia. What am I missing here?

Originally Posted By: cosmos
While offensive and divisive it is not in and of itself homophobic. When comments are made that are not germane to the post, but hijack it and bring up homophobia it becomes about homophobia and not the original issue at hand. Not being mindful of the original intent of the post and entering your own prejudices into the discussion is a de-facto ad-hominem attack on the original poster by minimizing and usurping the original issue, homophobic or not.

OK, so let me get this straight. By me calling it what it is, and you calling what I have called it what it isn't, does that not now make the original post (having once been what it was but now is what it isn't) something it is not?

And ad hominem? May I suggest you reread every post I wrote but with comprehension? I never have addressed anything but the issues raised. I never got personal with anything I have said here. In fact one could argue that you are hijacking this topic, assuming a moderator's role, and making it about Gary and me.
_________________________



Click my pic to see why I'm here

Top
#423140 - 01/24/13 07:18 PM Re: I wish I was sexually abused [Re: DarkHadou]
Casmir213 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/09
Posts: 845
Loc: Northeast, USA
.


Edited by Casmir213 (01/24/13 07:18 PM)
_________________________
I see recovery as a lifelong journey rather than a final destination, a journey, though, which can have many successes along the way.

WoR Alumnus - Hope Springs, OH, October 2009

My avatar is the farmhouse at the Hope Spring, OH WoR. It's a nice place.

Top
#423558 - 01/29/13 10:20 AM Re: I wish I was sexually abused [Re: DarkHadou]
ModTeam Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/06
Posts: 691
It appears this topic has reached the end of it's course. Using the discussion board to explore situations, thoughts and emotions is beneficial and healthy, until such time that the discussion becomes contrary to the goals and purposes of MaleSurvivor. This topic has been discussed and for the purposes of recovery has been thoroughly answered. Site management continually strives to provide an environment safe for the purpose of pursuing one’s recovery from the effects of past sexual abuse. Please do not attempt to repost this topic, as doing so may be cause for further action by site management.

Your cooperation on this matter is appreciated.

Regards

The Moderators
_________________________
Private messages sent to this account are checked irregularly due to personnel and time constraints. Please send messages to one of the moderators for the forum that is concerned by user name, or if there is no named moderator, send a PM to any moderator.

Top
Page 1 of 4 1 2 3 4 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.