I might be a little blunt TW16, but bear with me since I'm lucky enough to live in a very gay community and see this all the time.
First, this church, their "leaders" and their dogma are causing you unnecessary distress. Put another way, as I've so often heard in 12-step meetings, suffering is optional. (Similarly, you'll hear a lot of the members talking about taking a "geographic cure", like you did, and they found they were only running from themselves).
Secondly - as others have expressed already - you could make some very good or some very bad decisions right now. You could marry a woman thinking it would "cure" you. It won't and you don't need to be "cured". You'll be living a lie, spending your waking hours trying to hide who you are. At its worst, you'll become like so many politicians who rabidly denounce homosexuals only to be caught with their pants down in an airport restroom. I mean, c'mon, sex in a public restroom? You want to reduce yourself to that?
God forbid - and I mean that with all sincerity - you have children with this woman and then finally, one day when you've matured a bit, you decide to come out. Of course she's going to feel betrayed. And she'd be right.
I mentioned I see this all the time. I live in a tourist area. There are men who sneak off from their wife and kids back in the hotel to make a quick, desperate hookup. It's pathetic...especially in 2013.
Third, as a CSA survivor, you've read the posts about those of us with chemical dependency problems, who use it to cope. imo, that already makes you more of a risk for developing that problem. Now you're going to add the pressure of hiding your sexuality? I see plenty of unhappy, closeted drunks all the time.
TW16, I don't mean to come off as a complete jackass. But sometimes I see someone who needs a good, swift, brotherly kick in the butt.
Let me add something about my life. I didn't come completely out until I was your age. But at least I came out. And, yeah, I've dealt with threats, harassment, etc., because of who I am. But I'm stronger and more confident for it. And that's a course of over 25 years! I've paved the way for you so you don't have it as hard as I did. Yeah, I sound like a parent now. So be it. And a lot of people even further back - let's talk about those who endured beatings and arrests by the NYPD in the 1950s-60s - have paved the way, too. We sure as hell didn't bleed (or, as college student Matthew Shepard
and others did, die) so our brothers and sisters could go on hiding. You owe it to yourself...AND them. Shame on you - I mean it - if you squander their sacrifices.
Assuming you're, say, in Seattle, you've got some of the greatest gay resources in the country. I can guarantee that as you become involved in a gay community you'll make friends - possibly boyfriends - and even religious friends who just happen to be gay. But you won't be isolated as you are now.
Thank you for sharing your dilemmas TW. If I was rough on you - and, yeah, I was - it's because I have a difficult time watching someone waste his personal resources over something which, today, there is no reason to waste. You're much, much better than that.