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#422431 - 01/17/13 06:55 PM Re: Tough decision **POSSIBLE TRIGGERS [Re: TW16]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
I might be a little blunt TW16, but bear with me since I'm lucky enough to live in a very gay community and see this all the time.

First, this church, their "leaders" and their dogma are causing you unnecessary distress. Put another way, as I've so often heard in 12-step meetings, suffering is optional. (Similarly, you'll hear a lot of the members talking about taking a "geographic cure", like you did, and they found they were only running from themselves).


Secondly - as others have expressed already - you could make some very good or some very bad decisions right now. You could marry a woman thinking it would "cure" you. It won't and you don't need to be "cured". You'll be living a lie, spending your waking hours trying to hide who you are. At its worst, you'll become like so many politicians who rabidly denounce homosexuals only to be caught with their pants down in an airport restroom. I mean, c'mon, sex in a public restroom? You want to reduce yourself to that?

God forbid - and I mean that with all sincerity - you have children with this woman and then finally, one day when you've matured a bit, you decide to come out. Of course she's going to feel betrayed. And she'd be right.

I mentioned I see this all the time. I live in a tourist area. There are men who sneak off from their wife and kids back in the hotel to make a quick, desperate hookup. It's pathetic...especially in 2013.


Third, as a CSA survivor, you've read the posts about those of us with chemical dependency problems, who use it to cope. imo, that already makes you more of a risk for developing that problem. Now you're going to add the pressure of hiding your sexuality? I see plenty of unhappy, closeted drunks all the time.


TW16, I don't mean to come off as a complete jackass. But sometimes I see someone who needs a good, swift, brotherly kick in the butt.


Let me add something about my life. I didn't come completely out until I was your age. But at least I came out. And, yeah, I've dealt with threats, harassment, etc., because of who I am. But I'm stronger and more confident for it. And that's a course of over 25 years! I've paved the way for you so you don't have it as hard as I did. Yeah, I sound like a parent now. So be it. And a lot of people even further back - let's talk about those who endured beatings and arrests by the NYPD in the 1950s-60s - have paved the way, too. We sure as hell didn't bleed (or, as college student Matthew Shepard and others did, die) so our brothers and sisters could go on hiding. You owe it to yourself...AND them. Shame on you - I mean it - if you squander their sacrifices.

Assuming you're, say, in Seattle, you've got some of the greatest gay resources in the country. I can guarantee that as you become involved in a gay community you'll make friends - possibly boyfriends - and even religious friends who just happen to be gay. But you won't be isolated as you are now.

Thank you for sharing your dilemmas TW. If I was rough on you - and, yeah, I was - it's because I have a difficult time watching someone waste his personal resources over something which, today, there is no reason to waste. You're much, much better than that.

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#422432 - 01/17/13 07:05 PM Re: Tough decision **POSSIBLE TRIGGERS [Re: TW16]
Lancer Offline
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Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Just to moderate my above post, TW. Believe me, I understand you feel conflicted. That's probably because you also feel isolated. And you're among a group of guys who have extensive experience with that. You can get out of it. But it's your choice.

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#422436 - 01/17/13 07:32 PM * [Re: 1lifenow]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 02:08 PM)

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#422440 - 01/17/13 07:54 PM * [Re: TW16]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 02:08 PM)

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#422468 - 01/18/13 12:00 AM Re: Tough decision **POSSIBLE TRIGGERS [Re: TW16]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Good heavens, Gary. Honors thesis? You mean you're SMART?

I had no idea. <duckin'>

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#422488 - 01/18/13 04:56 AM Re: Tough decision **POSSIBLE TRIGGERS [Re: TW16]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
I have to admit this thread bothered me enough that it's a reason aside from the usual insomnia I'm still up at this hour.

For one, here's a possible future for you:
http://www.ranker.com/list/top-10-anti-gay-activists-caught-being-gay/joanne

It's basic psychology. These guys hate their sexuality so much they've gone to extremes to hide it. But eventually it all, pardon the pun, comes out.


For another, a more serious note on which I believe I have the right to harp. Why did I stand up to a redneck neighbor, right on his own doorstep, over 20 years ago? He could have really worked me over for trespassing on his property. Why did I confront one of the most prominent business families in our town when their teenagers would ride by my house shouting, "Faggot. We're gonna f**king kill you!" Their attorneys really could have worked me over.

I could have hid, lived in shame. I could have tried to pretend I was straight. Like so many of us, I was sick of being pushed around. And I didn't really care if it meant I got a bloody nose. Minor compared to the people who have been murdered. I was that sick of it. I pushed back. When I did, it stopped.

I marched in front of a homophobic megachurch, right in front of the TV cameras. Ah, but what if my clients saw me? If they have a problem with it, I don't want them as clients.


And, honestly, it's been doubly tough living with HIV (over 20 years). Same question. Do I come out? Damn right. I gave up hiding ages ago.


Perhaps then you can understand why my patience is tested when someone wants to stay in hiding because of a few bigoted, controlling church elders using their narrow interpretations to run the show.

If we were in line at 7-Eleven and a redneck bigot started harassing me for being a "fag", what would you do? Would you, my brother, stand up to him? Or would you let him beat me to a bloody pulp because, otherwise, someone might think you're a homosexual? But, heck, your "straightness" would be intact, right?

You do what you feel is right. But I promise you, I'm just arrogant enough to believe my harsh words will stick with you.

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#422489 - 01/18/13 05:04 AM Re: Tough decision **POSSIBLE TRIGGERS [Re: TW16]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3618
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey (((Lancer))) you are our HERO smile !

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#422547 - 01/18/13 06:17 PM Re: Tough decision **POSSIBLE TRIGGERS [Re: TW16]
bodyguard8367 Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 08:49 PM)
Edit Reason: SILENCED

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#422659 - 01/19/13 07:48 PM * [Re: Lancer]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 02:10 PM)

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#422661 - 01/19/13 08:11 PM * [Re: TW16]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 02:10 PM)

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