I might be a little blunt TW16, but bear with me since I'm lucky enough to live in a very gay community and see this all the time.

First, this church, their "leaders" and their dogma are causing you unnecessary distress. Put another way, as I've so often heard in 12-step meetings, suffering is optional. (Similarly, you'll hear a lot of the members talking about taking a "geographic cure", like you did, and they found they were only running from themselves).


Secondly - as others have expressed already - you could make some very good or some very bad decisions right now. You could marry a woman thinking it would "cure" you. It won't and you don't need to be "cured". You'll be living a lie, spending your waking hours trying to hide who you are. At its worst, you'll become like so many politicians who rabidly denounce homosexuals only to be caught with their pants down in an airport restroom. I mean, c'mon, sex in a public restroom? You want to reduce yourself to that?

God forbid - and I mean that with all sincerity - you have children with this woman and then finally, one day when you've matured a bit, you decide to come out. Of course she's going to feel betrayed. And she'd be right.

I mentioned I see this all the time. I live in a tourist area. There are men who sneak off from their wife and kids back in the hotel to make a quick, desperate hookup. It's pathetic...especially in 2013.


Third, as a CSA survivor, you've read the posts about those of us with chemical dependency problems, who use it to cope. imo, that already makes you more of a risk for developing that problem. Now you're going to add the pressure of hiding your sexuality? I see plenty of unhappy, closeted drunks all the time.


TW16, I don't mean to come off as a complete jackass. But sometimes I see someone who needs a good, swift, brotherly kick in the butt.


Let me add something about my life. I didn't come completely out until I was your age. But at least I came out. And, yeah, I've dealt with threats, harassment, etc., because of who I am. But I'm stronger and more confident for it. And that's a course of over 25 years! I've paved the way for you so you don't have it as hard as I did. Yeah, I sound like a parent now. So be it. And a lot of people even further back - let's talk about those who endured beatings and arrests by the NYPD in the 1950s-60s - have paved the way, too. We sure as hell didn't bleed (or, as college student Matthew Shepard and others did, die) so our brothers and sisters could go on hiding. You owe it to yourself...AND them. Shame on you - I mean it - if you squander their sacrifices.

Assuming you're, say, in Seattle, you've got some of the greatest gay resources in the country. I can guarantee that as you become involved in a gay community you'll make friends - possibly boyfriends - and even religious friends who just happen to be gay. But you won't be isolated as you are now.

Thank you for sharing your dilemmas TW. If I was rough on you - and, yeah, I was - it's because I have a difficult time watching someone waste his personal resources over something which, today, there is no reason to waste. You're much, much better than that.

Just to moderate my above post, TW. Believe me, I understand you feel conflicted. That's probably because you also feel isolated. And you're among a group of guys who have extensive experience with that. You can get out of it. But it's your choice.

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Good heavens, Gary. Honors thesis? You mean you're SMART?

I had no idea. <duckin'>

I have to admit this thread bothered me enough that it's a reason – aside from the usual insomnia – I'm still up at this hour.

For one, here's a possible future for you:
http://www.ranker.com/list/top-10-anti-gay-activists-caught-being-gay/joanne

It's basic psychology. These guys hate their sexuality so much they've gone to extremes to hide it. But eventually it all, pardon the pun, comes out.


For another, a more serious note on which I believe I have the right to harp. Why did I stand up to a redneck neighbor, right on his own doorstep, over 20 years ago? He could have really worked me over for trespassing on his property. Why did I confront one of the most prominent business families in our town when their teenagers would ride by my house shouting, "Faggot. We're gonna f**king kill you!" Their attorneys really could have worked me over.

I could have hid, lived in shame. I could have tried to pretend I was straight. Like so many of us, I was sick of being pushed around. And I didn't really care if it meant I got a bloody nose. Minor compared to the people who have been murdered. I was that sick of it. I pushed back. When I did, it stopped.

I marched in front of a homophobic megachurch, right in front of the TV cameras. Ah, but what if my clients saw me? If they have a problem with it, I don't want them as clients.


And, honestly, it's been doubly tough living with HIV (over 20 years). Same question. Do I come out? Damn right. I gave up hiding ages ago.


Perhaps then you can understand why my patience is tested when someone wants to stay in hiding because of a few bigoted, controlling church elders using their narrow interpretations to run the show.

If we were in line at 7-Eleven and a redneck bigot started harassing me for being a "fag", what would you do? Would you, my brother, stand up to him? Or would you let him beat me to a bloody pulp because, otherwise, someone might think you're a homosexual? But, heck, your "straightness" would be intact, right?

You do what you feel is right. But I promise you, I'm just arrogant enough to believe my harsh words will stick with you.

Hey (((Lancer))) you are our HERO !

Pero

Internalized Homophobia: hating self because you are ashamed of being gay.

One of the greatest things stolen from a young boy who has been molested is the self actualization that happens during adolescence and puberty. The "growing up" and pursuing sexual interest and relationships in your life. Dating, lovemaking, SEX!

I was six when I first had gay sex. A six year old doesn't think about sex or know if he is "attracted" to the same sex. In my case there were not any opp sex interactions until I was much older. When I finally figured out that I was gay and that I liked gay sex, and had the capacity to love another man, I was 25. I already had the massive guilt so prevalent in victims of CSA. I had also been the victim of gay deprogramming at the hands of my family who were religious zealots and refused to allow me to continue counseling when the doctor told them I was gay. I learned lots and lots of lessons about who their God is, and why I was so hated by him.

Today I remember a very powerful message when a voice spoke to me in my mind and said, "I.....am not who THEY say I am". It is the one and only time GOD ever spoke to me. (so far). I am not overtly religious but I do attend church. I know that GOD made me. I also know that attempting to figure out who I was supposed to be and who I was supposed to love didn't really matter to GOD. GOD seemed much more concerned with the fact that I believed a bunch of LIES. Today I pray to GOD and ask him to keep me and my husband safe, and I pray for the family that ostracized me for my orientation an gay life. I pray too for the men that violated me. I pray that their souls and hearts are convicted with the awareness of what that few minutes of pleasure cost an innocent child. I fear not that I am gay. I fear not that I love another male. I fear not GOD. I know that homophobia is not natural. That love is natural. I learned to love myself as a gay man.

If you choose to sublimate your sexual desire and relationship with this other believer that is GOD offering you and him free will. Do not confuse this with GOD's Will. His will for you may be very simple. --"Learn how to love your neighbor as you love yourself"-- but GOD's Will for you is not ever going to be --"Fall in love with another man but deny your love in my image because being homosexual is sinful"--

I don't think GOD cares who or what sex you fall in love with. I think GOD cares that you treat others with more respect than you did yesterday.

A priest in an MCC gave a sermon in which he said, "GOD created LGBT same sex attraction to prove to the world that love did not know ANY boundaries".

I don't pass judgment. Your reality is your own. I am not to say you should or should not...but take GOD out of the picture and remember that just because you are religious doesn't mean you cannot be gay. Simple love for another, or sex, doesn't involve sin, and shouldn't be a reason for you to abstain from a gay relationship.

Just my thoughts.

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