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#422334 - 01/17/13 02:27 AM someone i used to know
traveler Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3199
Loc: back in the USA
This may open a nasty can of worms – may trigger some?

One day recently before breakfast my wife warned me that we had received a serious email and i should try not to get triggered by it. she was afraid that I’d just read it and freak out. Someone we used to know from our college days had been arrested for aggravated child p0rn. his wife emailed us when she got our Christmas card and told us the news and that she had divorced him when she found out. They have several kids that are young adults now. What made it even worse was that he had been in a career that made him a specialist on children – he had done tons of research, written books, and was recognized in his field as an expert.

we googled his name and the city and discovered newspaper articles about the case. they raided his home and found 5 computers and hundreds of DVDs full of the crap - much of it with kids under 13. he was apparently also trading internationally. rather than try to deny it - he tried to justify it as therapeutic and used lots of psychological mumbo-jumbo to defend himself. he was a university professor at a well-known institution. He was fired as soon as the case became known.

i wanted to vomit! i felt sick. and tainted. and guilty by association. it hit me harder than a random news item because i knew the guy. and maybe more…

I have had a history of surfing the web for photos that I used to try to re-enact and control, understand and reinterpret the memories of abuse in which I was involved. From what I’ve read and heard, that’s pretty common. I had tried to steer clear of the illegal ones that had under-age models. I didn’t want to be even indirectly linked to or associated with the perps who produce that garbage. I thought I was better than that.

and then I started to think about it…

yeah - i know that my favorite flavor of p0rn was different from CP - but have you ever tried explaining the fine distinctions of different types of p0rn to someone who hasn’t been exposed to it? like the difference between the amateur self-pix and the professionally produced stuff with big-name “models” or “performers”? the web-cam stuff that is real-time and personally solicited or subscribed versus the videos that are scripted and produced? I know that the child type is illegal and that kids are abused to produce it. so that is definitely outside the pale. I would never knowingly go there.

but then i thought - maybe even the legally-of-age technically “adult” kind may involve some abuse. who knows if those guys who may be barely past their significant birthday – whatever age that is in their home country – are being subjected to intimidation, threats, and actual physical and psychological abuse? Some of them look younger than they are – and they are coveted for that reason. The fact that they may be slow to mature physically – may also mean that they are emotionally less mature – so does a magic age really mean that much? I know that I looked much older than my actual age – I matured way too early and at 14 probly would have passed for 19. That would have given me a free pass to “perform” in those photo shoots and films. No one would have guessed. That wouldn’t have given them the advantage of having a boy who looked under-age but was actually legal. But I’d have been much more compliant and submissive to command than another boy who was actually the older age that I appeared to be. And I can’t help but wonder – how the guys who star in the photos and films found themselves on that path? I’ve read some stories here of kids – unquestionably under-age - that were forced to do it. does anyone as an adult freely choose it because it is so much fun or whatever – or are they ALL victims – either grown up survivors of CSA or adults who have been used and exploited?

I talked about it with another friend by PM and with my T and that helped and I thought I was over it. but last night the subject came up again – and I was still disturbed by it. I wouldn’t call it “triggered” exactly – but upset and saddened and affected in my emotions and possibly my conscience. so i am still very conflicted - feeling like both a victim and a perp –feeling abused because I identify with the exploited boy “models” – and feeling guilty for having looked at any pix of whatever age guys. It really makes me feel rotten to think that I may have contributed to the abuse and exploitation of anyone – whatever their age and legal status - because if no one looked at it – no one would make it.
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#422343 - 01/17/13 04:09 AM Re: someone i used to know [Re: traveler]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3566
Loc: South-East Europe
Hang on Lee,
that is so terrible news. I must say of all abusive people I hate the most those who positioned self to get near victims and who organized their lives so they could abuse their powers on daily basis frown

Even I also have seen many porn pages and videos and probably many men in those videos are survivors. I can't identify with person who on purposely was looking to see innocent and weak victim to be overpowered and hurt during sexual abuse.
I just can't.

My inters was going trough some familiar feelings like being lost to some basic instincts and forgetting on reality.
Starting position for me when I'm in mood for look into some porn are some very negative and hurtful feelings of isolation, despair, loneliness and fears. It is like drug shot by which I've been trying to buy some time and to get some relief in that "fantasy" world far away from my reality.
And yes many times I was triggered when seen that some of "actors" could be "acting out". I can easily relate to person being lost and participating in such "harmful" actions, it is in some way destructive, painful and reminds me of my own pain and situations when I was brought in such hell.
It is legacy of abuse and scar left to last for long, probably I never healed some traumas and I'm repeating it all again in cycle of search for "familiar" situations under controlled conditions and trying to find solution from it even safe escape never comes. It could be kind of re-traumatizing experience for me frown

Hang on Lee, you are good man. There are specific reasons why we are doing sometimes things that could be hurtful to us, that doesn't make us looking like abusers but rather confirms our fragility of people who went trough some abuse and later dealing with many scars left.

(((Lee)))

_________________________
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