Hello Mick and welcome to MaleSurvivor.
You shared that the abuse is like "déjà vu", it can certainly be like that. Intense physical stimulation as you experienced during the abuse can create a dissociative personality(ies) that "protects" or takes the abuse for the personality that you had before the abuse. This can lead to moments of memory lapse in your life history.
Be calm fellow survivor. All of these things have been talked about and experiences shared in MaleSurvivor. You no doubt have read about these here, as well as finding the right MSA therapist. Importantly Mick, go easy on yourself. You have endured horrific, debilitating events in your life and you are trying to guide yourself through them. It is a process, it takes time, we make mistakes, we adjust and keep recovering.
Welcome to recovery and to MaleSurvivor. Post and reply often, find local support you can count on, really find ways to be kind to yourself, you are so worth it.
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014