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#422120 - 01/15/13 06:36 AM Some Vindication
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Some vindication I wanted to share with you guys concerning the abusive adopted mother ("mommybitch" in my MS vernacular) who put me in the position as a perfect target for the CSA by my high school guidance counselor. Yeah, it's a long one, but important to me I post it.

She was a demanding, vicious, two-faced, snotty gold digger who drove Dad away to greener pastures (lol...not that he was a saint, but he treated me well) even before I was in first grade. Her favorite, oft-repeated cocktail party story was how she'd smacked me around in the crib, leaving me sitting in the corner stunned. Hysterical, huh? She quickly latched on to a rising insurance VP who moved us out of town and she even started insisting I change my last name. The VP quickly got what she was about, divorced her and returned to his first wife. Mommybitch got a nice, new house out of it.

But, as she prowled country clubs as a has-been tennis star/pro, she was an abusive drunk, too. I remember her passing out at the top of the stairs. I remember the vodka bottle rolling around under her bed. I remember being shoved in the car for a horrifying rides to the store (even trying to jump out once, but I was scared seeing the curb rush by at my feet as she drove over it...I was probably all of eight). I got to visit Dad on some vacations, but any mention to her that I had a good time would send her into a blind rage.

Dad's second wife, already having been a successful mother to two, knew what she was doing (right down to old-fashioned mustard packs when I was sick) and I often wished she had been my mother. She and Dad were good family and dedicated to the larger family. Unlike the mommybitch, they encouraged MY interests, particularly photography (part of my profession today!). Mommybitch had an agenda for what she WANTED me to be - a tennis "star" like her - and for which I had no talent.

Mommybitch's country club prowls eventually netted her a millionaire candidate who, however, died before she could nab him.

She settled a couple years later for a wimpy, socially-inept chemical engineer for a Fortune 500 company, who had a good salary and who she could control. Hell, she was past 40! Money started going immediately for a couple houses and country club memberships, but not my needs. The pressure to change my name re-emerged, as well. She also engaged hubby #3 to verbally and emotionally tag team me at nightly dinner table cross-examinations...every night, for years. A couple of times #3 acted like a "man" against a 13-year-old? - and shoved me up against the dining room wall, until I started shoving back. Damn coward.

Fortunately, these days, they put people like that in jail and take the kids away from them. But, it made me a perfect candidate for my abuser.

Years later, Dad told me he suspected she'd been "rough on me". I filled him in. We finally had a good father/son relationship until he died in '85.


In the course of casual Interweb browsing I discovered Dad's closest brother died a year ago. It made me sad because the guy really WAS a saint, especially to Dad. So I posted a tribute and pic. Almost immediately I heard back from one of my cousins. None of them ever knew "what had happened" to me. It was a family mystery. In general terms, I started to fill her in on why they almost never saw me growing up, even at large annual reunions that were about like the Kennedys...and something I've often mourned that I was never allowed to participate in. And I've had nothing to do with the mommybitch as I put it, "that awful woman" - since '90.

It's vindicating for two reasons. One, obviously, the story is now out, the silence broken. (I may eventually share the CSA part with the ones I find I can trust). Second, the mommybitch is still alive and living out her widow years in a country club McMansion. She remained connected to that uncle's equally-bitchy wife (deceased) over the years, so there's a good chance my cousins may deal with the mommybitch differently when/if there's contact.

And all I had to do was tell the truth.

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#422132 - 01/15/13 07:55 AM Re: Some Vindication [Re: Lancer]
traveler Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3214
Loc: back in the USA
Lancer -

thanks for telling more of your story.
i really identify with that "lost" extended family, too.
but glad you are getting some vindication now - even though very delayed.
i LoVE a "happy ending!"

Lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#422137 - 01/15/13 08:37 AM Re: Some Vindication [Re: Lancer]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Thank you, Lee, as always. It's helping me cement a family identity I apparently had, but never felt. I feel it now, just with that one contact with a cousin, wherever it goes or doesn't go.

On the spiritual side, I've always felt Dad's presence in a variety of ways the past 27 years and the way opportunities present themselves. Since he and my uncle were so close, I feel as if I now have two guardian angels watching over me. The description is inadequate and I'm not religious, but the timing of some things - I won't go into it here - doesn't feel accidental. I'm more at peace about a number of things.

The vindication is that Little Lancer is actually starting to feel as if he's finally protected - by family - from that selfish, evil woman.

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#422185 - 01/15/13 08:25 PM * [Re: Lancer]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 02:06 PM)

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#422186 - 01/15/13 08:28 PM * [Re: Lancer]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 02:06 PM)

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#422217 - 01/16/13 08:01 AM Re: Some Vindication [Re: Lancer]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Heard from a SECOND cousin now, too! Man, this is terrific. She repeated the same story...no one knew what had happened to me...and that would have been a few years before the CSA. I'm getting a better sense of the depth of the isolation - as if I really needed/wanted to explore that shit further.

I filled her in on the situation the same way. I'll give 'em all some bits at a time, including my HIV struggles. But it also occurred to me (yep, goin' metaphysical again) Dad and his brother are bringing the family back together. I'm feeling good about this.



Hate to say it, Gary, but the second clip isn't too far off the mark. A lot of the movie lines could have been taken verbatim from the mommybitch, not to mention her drinking/whoring proclivities. One thing I've noticed is that I'm thinking/obsessing less about her these days and more about the family. It's a healthier shift for me.

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#422726 - 01/20/13 01:46 PM Re: Some Vindication [Re: Lancer]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Wow. A THIRD cousin responded! And this really touched me, he credited Dad with getting him into AA. Guys, this is the closest connection I've had to my dad in 27 years. I cannot wait to talk to this cousin at length.

He's also the first to acknowledge the whole family situation beyond just the adopted mommybitch.

Not directly related to the CSA, but I hope to get a clearer picture of Dad's story. This is really great.

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#422751 - 01/20/13 08:32 PM * [Re: Lancer]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 02:12 PM)

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#423364 - 01/27/13 01:41 PM Re: Some Vindication [Re: Lancer]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Just had a nice long phone chat with one of the cousins. Incredible. For one, I could hear our fathers' voices in his. Fortunately, too, he's been in 12-step programs for years, so there's no glossing over the ugly parts. Here's one for the books, he asked me about my HIV, too. No judgment.

He's been able to confirm my childhood impressions on a lot of things, even the gold-digging mommybitch social climber. Can't begin to say how affirming and validating the whole conversation was.

One thing he shared from a friend I thought was particularly appropriate for here: Life isn't about filling the holes. It's about living with them.

I really look forward to talking further with him. And I'll post more as I digest the convo. Made my day/week/month.

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#423382 - 01/27/13 04:54 PM Re: Some Vindication [Re: Lancer]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1370
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: Lancer
Life isn't about filling the holes. It's about living with them.


I like that....thanks Lancer!

Jude
_________________________
"When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown, the dream is gone
And I have become comfortably numb."
Pink Floyd

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