Welcome to MS. We're a pretty relaxed bunch...most of the time. And, imo, fuck the terminology, ok?

I guess I'll chime in with Obi and SmallTown80s on this one.

For me it's been a process. It continues usually as I'm able to deal with it. And I suppose that's the difference. Today I know things will come up and I'll deal with 'em. I know myself. I know my history. I don't like all of it. But I don't have to repeat the bad parts ever again. And I can embrace the good parts.

And that's my recovery.

Recovery.

I can tell you one important thing, when it comes to recovery, for me. I spent a LONG time as a victim of sexual abuse. A LONG TIME. Four years ago, I began my journey to recovery. At first, the pain was tremendous and constant, but it was good pain because I knew I was on the right journey. IT HURT SO BAD SOMETIMES THAT I THOUGHT I'D DIE. I wasn't always sure that my heart could survive. It was so uncomfortable to look at the truth of my memories, and to name them for what they were. The humiliations were so intense. The memories were SO DISGUSTING AND FUCKED AND JUST FUCKING HORRIBLE!!!!! They made we want to kill someone, someone specific, for doing that to me. And stomp on his face. (Whew. I can get a little bit lost in that anger/pain somethings. Damn.) Anyway, like I said, the journey was the right journey, and it hurt but I've stayed on it. And I'm still on it today, and I promise you that this journey feels SO much better than my old journey as a victim. I doubt that I'll ever be done, be completely healed, but that's fine. I feel good most of the time these days. I love myself with an easy heart in a way that I never knew I could. I'm tackling the things in my life, those areas where I need work, in a decent and systematic way. All of this feels good. And it's all possible with good therapy and maybe some medications and with a lot of personal work.

Thanks for writing. Thanks for asking your questions. Good luck to you. You'll find the peace you're looking for, and if you or your wife has any problem with your therapist, I'd suggest getting a new therapist. Or maybe getting joint therapy. I can't imagine that I would be able to make any progress with my therapist if I had any external reasons not to trust or relax by guard.

Bob

Appreciate the responses Yall.
Glad that it appears I am accepted here... Although that word is also one of lack of definition in my world - accepted.
Kind of like not knowing what recovery is...
How to "get there" tho
yeah
confusing

I don't think I believe in it for me. I do believe in positive growth and constructive change, but I don't predict I'm ever going to be at a place where my demons aren't constantly looking to drag me down.

Each may mean it in a different way, but I would take acceptance as something like "don't feel ashamed of yourself, we want to help and are glad that you're here".

As people have said, it can get better. It takes time. Talking is the key, I think, but talking to people who support you and are safe people, rather than anyone who will shame you or tear you down. It's not just the talking that makes it better, but talking about the most painful or shaming things and then getting love and understanding as a response, rather than being shamed further.

I have found it helpful to read up about soldiers' PTSD, which I find helps me understand myself more in some cases even than books about abuse do, though of course those are really helpful and important to. I gather you're probably already on that track from your signature, but just wanted to mention it anyway. I don't enjoy so much the technical books and manuals as just stories of individual soldiers and what it's like for them.

One sees even just on this forum, but especially from real life, that those who go through great suffering and survive and try to live rightly often have a wisdom and compassion and insight that so many "normal" people lack. There are benefits, if one can call them that, that come with the tortures. With time the tortures can diminish and the benefits increase.

All the best,

Ninja_Turtle