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#422120 - 01/15/13 06:36 AM Some Vindication
Lancer Offline
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Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Some vindication I wanted to share with you guys concerning the abusive adopted mother ("mommybitch" in my MS vernacular) who put me in the position as a perfect target for the CSA by my high school guidance counselor. Yeah, it's a long one, but important to me I post it.

She was a demanding, vicious, two-faced, snotty gold digger who drove Dad away to greener pastures (lol...not that he was a saint, but he treated me well) even before I was in first grade. Her favorite, oft-repeated cocktail party story was how she'd smacked me around in the crib, leaving me sitting in the corner stunned. Hysterical, huh? She quickly latched on to a rising insurance VP who moved us out of town and she even started insisting I change my last name. The VP quickly got what she was about, divorced her and returned to his first wife. Mommybitch got a nice, new house out of it.

But, as she prowled country clubs as a has-been tennis star/pro, she was an abusive drunk, too. I remember her passing out at the top of the stairs. I remember the vodka bottle rolling around under her bed. I remember being shoved in the car for a horrifying rides to the store (even trying to jump out once, but I was scared seeing the curb rush by at my feet as she drove over it...I was probably all of eight). I got to visit Dad on some vacations, but any mention to her that I had a good time would send her into a blind rage.

Dad's second wife, already having been a successful mother to two, knew what she was doing (right down to old-fashioned mustard packs when I was sick) and I often wished she had been my mother. She and Dad were good family and dedicated to the larger family. Unlike the mommybitch, they encouraged MY interests, particularly photography (part of my profession today!). Mommybitch had an agenda for what she WANTED me to be - a tennis "star" like her - and for which I had no talent.

Mommybitch's country club prowls eventually netted her a millionaire candidate who, however, died before she could nab him.

She settled a couple years later for a wimpy, socially-inept chemical engineer for a Fortune 500 company, who had a good salary and who she could control. Hell, she was past 40! Money started going immediately for a couple houses and country club memberships, but not my needs. The pressure to change my name re-emerged, as well. She also engaged hubby #3 to verbally and emotionally tag team me at nightly dinner table cross-examinations...every night, for years. A couple of times #3 acted like a "man" against a 13-year-old? - and shoved me up against the dining room wall, until I started shoving back. Damn coward.

Fortunately, these days, they put people like that in jail and take the kids away from them. But, it made me a perfect candidate for my abuser.

Years later, Dad told me he suspected she'd been "rough on me". I filled him in. We finally had a good father/son relationship until he died in '85.


In the course of casual Interweb browsing I discovered Dad's closest brother died a year ago. It made me sad because the guy really WAS a saint, especially to Dad. So I posted a tribute and pic. Almost immediately I heard back from one of my cousins. None of them ever knew "what had happened" to me. It was a family mystery. In general terms, I started to fill her in on why they almost never saw me growing up, even at large annual reunions that were about like the Kennedys...and something I've often mourned that I was never allowed to participate in. And I've had nothing to do with the mommybitch as I put it, "that awful woman" - since '90.

It's vindicating for two reasons. One, obviously, the story is now out, the silence broken. (I may eventually share the CSA part with the ones I find I can trust). Second, the mommybitch is still alive and living out her widow years in a country club McMansion. She remained connected to that uncle's equally-bitchy wife (deceased) over the years, so there's a good chance my cousins may deal with the mommybitch differently when/if there's contact.

And all I had to do was tell the truth.

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#422132 - 01/15/13 07:55 AM Re: Some Vindication [Re: Lancer]
traveler Offline
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Registered: 02/07/06
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Loc: somewhere in Africa
Lancer -

thanks for telling more of your story.
i really identify with that "lost" extended family, too.
but glad you are getting some vindication now - even though very delayed.
i LoVE a "happy ending!"

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#422137 - 01/15/13 08:37 AM Re: Some Vindication [Re: Lancer]
Lancer Offline
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Thank you, Lee, as always. It's helping me cement a family identity I apparently had, but never felt. I feel it now, just with that one contact with a cousin, wherever it goes or doesn't go.

On the spiritual side, I've always felt Dad's presence in a variety of ways the past 27 years and the way opportunities present themselves. Since he and my uncle were so close, I feel as if I now have two guardian angels watching over me. The description is inadequate and I'm not religious, but the timing of some things - I won't go into it here - doesn't feel accidental. I'm more at peace about a number of things.

The vindication is that Little Lancer is actually starting to feel as if he's finally protected - by family - from that selfish, evil woman.

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#422185 - 01/15/13 08:25 PM * [Re: Lancer]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
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*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 02:06 PM)

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#422186 - 01/15/13 08:28 PM * [Re: Lancer]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
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Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 02:06 PM)

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#422217 - 01/16/13 08:01 AM Re: Some Vindication [Re: Lancer]
Lancer Offline
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Heard from a SECOND cousin now, too! Man, this is terrific. She repeated the same story...no one knew what had happened to me...and that would have been a few years before the CSA. I'm getting a better sense of the depth of the isolation - as if I really needed/wanted to explore that shit further.

I filled her in on the situation the same way. I'll give 'em all some bits at a time, including my HIV struggles. But it also occurred to me (yep, goin' metaphysical again) Dad and his brother are bringing the family back together. I'm feeling good about this.



Hate to say it, Gary, but the second clip isn't too far off the mark. A lot of the movie lines could have been taken verbatim from the mommybitch, not to mention her drinking/whoring proclivities. One thing I've noticed is that I'm thinking/obsessing less about her these days and more about the family. It's a healthier shift for me.

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#422726 - 01/20/13 01:46 PM Re: Some Vindication [Re: Lancer]
Lancer Offline
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Wow. A THIRD cousin responded! And this really touched me, he credited Dad with getting him into AA. Guys, this is the closest connection I've had to my dad in 27 years. I cannot wait to talk to this cousin at length.

He's also the first to acknowledge the whole family situation beyond just the adopted mommybitch.

Not directly related to the CSA, but I hope to get a clearer picture of Dad's story. This is really great.

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#422751 - 01/20/13 08:32 PM * [Re: Lancer]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
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Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 02:12 PM)

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#423364 - 01/27/13 01:41 PM Re: Some Vindication [Re: Lancer]
Lancer Offline
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Just had a nice long phone chat with one of the cousins. Incredible. For one, I could hear our fathers' voices in his. Fortunately, too, he's been in 12-step programs for years, so there's no glossing over the ugly parts. Here's one for the books, he asked me about my HIV, too. No judgment.

He's been able to confirm my childhood impressions on a lot of things, even the gold-digging mommybitch social climber. Can't begin to say how affirming and validating the whole conversation was.

One thing he shared from a friend I thought was particularly appropriate for here: Life isn't about filling the holes. It's about living with them.

I really look forward to talking further with him. And I'll post more as I digest the convo. Made my day/week/month.

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#423382 - 01/27/13 04:54 PM Re: Some Vindication [Re: Lancer]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1570
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: Lancer
Life isn't about filling the holes. It's about living with them.


I like that....thanks Lancer!

Jude
_________________________
Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine.
Sheryl Crow

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#423392 - 01/27/13 06:43 PM Re: Some Vindication [Re: Lancer]
traveler Offline
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Lancer - one of the biggest surprises in my life was when i was once talking with the step-father's younger brother - my "uncle." he was much more like me than like his brother. as it gradually came out - the two of them had not got on well, either - and he even alluded to the fact that the step-dad's dead kids had not been as perfect as he had made them out to be. he also hinted at the fact that his big bro had a violent temper and could tend toward over-doing the "spankings" and other "discipline."

what you said -
***"He's been able to confirm my childhood impressions on a lot of things, even the gold-digging mommybitch social climber. Can't begin to say how affirming and validating the whole conversation was."***

YES - so TRUE!
like a confirmation that you aren't the only one who sees that the "emperor has nothing on!" YOU are not the crazy one, dude!
and neither am I!!!
- Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#423397 - 01/27/13 07:43 PM Re: Some Vindication [Re: Lancer]
Lancer Offline
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One thing I long ago journaled, Lee, is I believe from my own experience that children have an innate sense of what's really going on. They know when something isn't right.

I sure as hell did and then did my best to survive it.

When the adults deny it or, worse, punish the child for exercising that God-given ability, then the problems start.

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#425426 - 02/15/13 08:53 PM Re: Some Vindication [Re: Lancer]
Lancer Offline
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Insightful email from one of the other cousins giving me an indication about her own mother, my aunt, who was a buddy of the mommybitch. In short, the woman was just as emotionally distant (perhaps abusive). And it further confirms the little cadre the mommybitch had around her who didn't give a damn about their kids.

I've said it before, but I'll say it again. Apparently, I'M not the one who was crazy.


Go figure that right now Sundance is running "Mommy Dearest" and the scene where atty Greg Savitt is fed up with her drunken verbal tirades, slaps her down and leaves her. lol..."mommybitch" could have used that!

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#425428 - 02/15/13 09:04 PM Re: Some Vindication [Re: Lancer]
traveler Offline
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Originally Posted By: Lancer

I've said it before, but I'll say it again. Apparently, I'M not the one who was crazy.


this is so ironic: my wife and i were out to eat a couple of weeks ago - this little Italian place had a live music group. since we were almost the only ones there, they kept asking us for more requests. i asked for "I Love You Just the Way You Are" by Billy Joel. they didn't know it so they played another song by him - "You May be Right - I May be Crazy" - we both howled!!!

i had the best of intentions - but fate intervened.

just sayin - we are ALL crazy in one way or another. and you, my friend, are crazy in the NICEST possible way!

BUT - there are others who are crazy in really nasty ways - true.

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#425440 - 02/15/13 11:43 PM Re: Some Vindication [Re: Lancer]
Lancer Offline
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Registered: 07/13/12
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Loc: Florida
Strange you should put the last sentence that way, Lee. I was finally able to nail the mommybitch's personality in psychiatric terms that have escaped me up until now. Narcissism (NPD). Do your own Google. Very enlightening.


(As for your live music group, try the bar scene in "The Four Seasons" and their rendition of "Strangers in the Night" on an untuned upright...I think dark_empathy would find it especially painful).

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#425731 - 02/18/13 05:51 PM Re: Some Vindication [Re: Lancer]
Lancer Offline
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Decided over the weekend to contact the step-sister who'd been my advocate with the mommybitch ("Get over it! Lancer's gay.")and who was a survivor of spousal abuse herself. Just a FB contact with the condition the mommybitch isn't to know about it.

IF she responds I'll tell her in general terms what I want to discuss.

IF she's receptive I've got an eight-page treatise for her. Just one family member on that side knowing is enuf for me.

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#425825 - 02/19/13 09:41 AM Re: Some Vindication [Re: Lancer]
Zug Offline


Registered: 02/18/13
Posts: 56
Loc: Progress
I'm going through similar stuff now Lancer- contacting extended family (aunts and uncles that were more like brothers/sisters as when I was a kid) and reconnecting. Some are glad to hear from me and know what happened to me, others are avoiding me like the plague. I am no coward and will relentlessly tell the truth, I will use it as a weapon if I need to. I refuse to be judged for my ma's disgusting behavior or for her criminal 'parenting' techniques. I will go forward, this stuff takes courage and we should be proud of ourselves. My ma made it mission one to isolate me from our extended family, they would not and do not approve of the way she has conducted herself over time. My exwife was a part of a group of people that drugged and sexually assaulted me for year, literally keeping me as a kind of sexual object to be used when they felt like it, drunk, lost in hell. I told my ma about it, she blamed me. Ma and x have had Thanksgiving dinner together in the 2 years since I told ma. It's this family stuff, our fear of judgement and the crazy manipulative behavior of others that is so damaging to us and keeps us from healing in my opinion. I refuse to be quiet, I refuse to keep dark family secrets, I refuse to be held accountable for others sick actions, I refuse to take the shame of others and protect them. It has to be this way for me, it may be different for others. I tried playing by the 'rules' others made, it almost killed me. I know what you're doing takes courage because Im doing it. Keep it up and thanks for posting about this.
_________________________
"what matters most is how well you walk through the fire"
-Charles Bukowski


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#425978 - 02/20/13 08:50 PM Re: Some Vindication [Re: Lancer]
Lancer Offline
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Holy shit...what is this, #4? Just had a two-hour convo with the step-sister with whom I haven't had contact in probably 25 years. She confirmed everything about the mommybitch and considerably more.

Seems she and my step-brother, though adults, have been similarly subject to the mommybitch's abusiveness over the years. My step-sister got fed up with it. My step-brother avoids her as much as he can.

It seems, too, at the time of my abuse, the mommybitch and hubby #3 were really pissing off their "friends" and pretty much kept on the social periphery. Her abusiveness was even worse and extended farther than I had any clue about. No one really wants anything to do with her. Karma.

Much to my relief, her step-grandchildren weren't affected since she pretty much blew them off.

I think it's an understatement to say the call was a catharsis...for both of us. Huge relief for me.

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#426004 - 02/21/13 06:09 AM Re: Some Vindication [Re: Lancer]
peroperic2009 Offline
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Registered: 10/09/11
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Wow Lancer, that is some news.
I guess from mommybitch we couldn't expect different, she obviously has some nasty and toxic personality pointed against everyone frown

I'm happy to hear about your talk with your step-sister, must be feeling lighter now wink

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#426012 - 02/21/13 08:43 AM Re: Some Vindication [Re: Lancer]
Lancer Offline
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Y'know Pero, I don't think I've even really started to fully experience the depth of relief that's there. It's huge and more than I can even process right now. I've noticed, however, it's a palpable feeling, especially in my shoulders, for example.

We talk a lot on MS about vindication related to our perps, but I'm perfectly happy with vindication vis-a-vis the people who were responsible for setting me up for the CSA.

Interesting, too, I felt so protective about my neice and nephews - completely new experience for me - and that I was so determined they should not be subject to that horrible woman's venom. They're young adults now and able to fend for themselves. I'm just relieved they weren't affected.

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#426052 - 02/21/13 03:28 PM Re: Some Vindication [Re: Lancer]
bodyguard8367 Offline
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Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 09:04 PM)
Edit Reason: SILENCED

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#426057 - 02/21/13 04:31 PM Re: Some Vindication [Re: Lancer]
Lancer Offline
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Thanks G. I'm still digesting it 24 hours later. But just that one contact with a woman who was suspicious of the abuse (not the CSA) at the time and who has been on the receiving end of it later in life has erased much of the feeling of isolation, hurt and betrayal I've carried for decades. I've told the step-sister to share whatever she likes with whoever she likes. And what an education in a couple hours!

Interesting, too, she noted that when mommybitch married her dad, she and her brother, like me, were thinking, "wtf?" Apparently none of us knew until after the fact she was marrying the guy who turned out to be her long-suffering enabler. I've learned that the narcissist typically is all charm until she snags her prey and then gradually drops the facade within a year or two. In typical mommybitch fashion, she seemed to have arranged it on the sly, with only two witnesses in a remote Vermont town.

Step-sister and I, though it was never discussed at the time, also noticed the pain/stress in her dad's face. At the time I noticed it I thought I was probably just projecting. Apparently not so. My read of the situation was right on.

Though outrageous, I wasn't surprised to hear that my step-sister, as her dad lay dying in hospital, discovered the mommybitch was...out buying tennis shoes! Again, wtf?? After the fact, mommybitch also continued to play men such as my step-brother for favors, bitching when she couldn't have things exactly her way, naturally. It seems women, however, can read her psyche too easily.

So, the Great Secret about her nature is out among my generation. Step-sister's comment echos my thots, "What a waste." She and her brother are so damn sick of it, I get a feeling they may do as I've done - they're about 90% there already - jettison her and leave her to her own devices. I made it clear I fully support whatever decision they make in that regard. It's not like she's a blood relative or has any meaningful relationship with her step-grandchildren. And she certainly has all the material resources she needs. (Okay, I'll say it. Serves her right).

Since I'm on a roll - though I'll give it a few weeks - I think my final outreach will be to mommybitch's neice.

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#426128 - 02/22/13 11:07 AM Re: Some Vindication [Re: Lancer]
bodyguard8367 Offline
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Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 09:05 PM)
Edit Reason: SILENCED

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#426136 - 02/22/13 12:09 PM Re: Some Vindication [Re: Lancer]
Lancer Offline
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Always glad to have you in my corner G. And glad I can provide some entertainment. I certainly find it entertaining.

My intuition's not real clear on this and perhaps I'm pushing it, but put in a call (voicemail) to a cousin on mommybitch's side, jus' fer yucks. His dad and stepmom were in solid recovery for years. You and I know that's no guarantee of anything with their children (he also has two sisters), but we'll see.

What you're describing of your own situation is pretty much what mommybitch and long-suffering H#3 attempted for years. I'm sorry to hear you had the entire clan massed against you. Believe it or not, I cannot imagine the hurt and the toll - ALL of your own family? - it took on you. I'm really glad you're here G.

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#426269 - 02/23/13 08:12 PM Re: Some Vindication [Re: Lancer]
Lancer Offline
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LOL...guess the warm, fuzzy stuff had to find an end. shocked If nothing else, good for me and my intuition:

Man, mommybitch's side of the family is seriously fucked up. Got a call back fr a very drunk cousin on her side who's apparently "close" to or at least cordial with the mommybitch. He indicates - as though I believe a drunk? - at least one of his sisters is similarly self-absorbed and also "close" to the mommybitch. His other sister (again, according to the drunk) is the "controller" living overseas. Sounds as if I should just stay clear of that group and not attempt any further probing.

Mommybitch apparently has complained long and loud - surprise - I "broke her heart." And this group believed it. (Guess you can relate G, huh?) In short, my generation on that side of the family has continued the dysfunctional tradition. crazy

Couldn't wait to get this guy off the phone. You may know how difficult that is with a chatty drunk once they get started. And I was able to get information from him without telling him much about myself. Good info to have for reference. Besides, he probably won't remember the call anyway! shocked


I don't like going metaphysical, but sometimes I notice things and, if nothing else, it helps me deal. This one cousin is the only one for whom I could find contact info (a phone number) scouring the Interweb. Nothing for his sisters. And, pursuing that, I got just enough information to know the whole damn group needs to be avoided...or put away.

Speaking of karma...I learned The Dreaded Mommybitch (TDM) had cataract surgery and, pity, couldn't play tennis. This is the same woman who, knowing I had astigmatism in one eye, nevertheless forced me to play, roundly criticizing me because I usually couldn't connect with the ball. Well, after all, she was determined, even if it killed her, I'd be a tennis "star" like her. smirk

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#426531 - 02/26/13 05:40 AM Re: Some Vindication [Re: Lancer]
Lancer Offline
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A note: I noticed last nite, as I was digesting all this, good and not so good (can't really even call it bad), The Dreaded Mommybitch's size in my mind was considerably smaller. For lack of a better term, her psychic size was smaller.

I see her less as a monster (child's perspective), though she was for all intents and purposes. For the first time - I think in my life - I was able to see her as a small, bitter, pathetic woman. A bit like that scene in "Mars Attacks!" when Gen. Decker is hit with the shrinking ray. Great visual for me to carry (lol...could only find the French version @ 0:58):

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#434646 - 05/14/13 12:45 PM Re: Some Vindication [Re: Lancer]
Lancer Offline
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Another surprise, hearing from yet another cousin (different aunt and uncle) via email last night. Naturally I filled her in on the Mommybitch and she was shocked because, like Joan Crawford, Mommybitch had successfully maintained a public persona to mask her abusiveness at home that led to my CSA.

Cat's out of the bag, so to speak, with the rest of the family now understanding why Dad would have found the woman intolerable and sought greener pastures.

At the end of "Mommy Dearest", Chris mentions that Crawford again has had the last word. Christina responds, "Maybe not." Having now broken the silence with most of my family, I feel similarly. To be perfectly frank, the bonus for me is that the Mommybitch is the last of that generation of family still alive, her partners in crime aren't around any longer (husband #3 and a vicious aunt) to perpetuate The Lie, she doesn't know I blew her carefully-maintained cover, and family members will now have a new, more accurate frame of reference when dealing with her bullshit. Strangely, as I endured when I was a kid, now she's the one who finds herself isolated.


I'll add that I suppose it's unavoidable, at the moment, I feel a twinge of guilt for standing up for myself and blowing the lid off the silence. As has happened previously, seems to me that will pass. I feel as if it's just a matter of the size of the step I just took. It was huge. Hell, the past five months of this have been huge.

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#434650 - 05/14/13 01:21 PM Re: Some Vindication [Re: Lancer]
bodyguard8367 Offline
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Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 09:05 PM)
Edit Reason: SILENCED

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