Hello MaleSurvivor,

my name is Mick and I'm a survivor of early childhood sexual abuse. Although I suspect multiple perps, including my mother, my father abused me until he left when I reached puberty. I don't have much to go on in terms of "real" solid memories. I'm dissociative to most of the abuse and other parts of my childhood. The memories seem to creep in like feelings of déjà vu that are randomly triggered by such things as touch, smell, visuals and (of course) sexual stimulation.

I'm single, approaching 40 and my life's basically a mess. I've spend almost 6 years working with a therapist and don't feel it got me very far to be honest. I'm not sure what to expect from being here, I really hope that I can get myself to dig in the dirt again. After I parted ways with that therapist I've been kind of going through the motions without any sense of direction, as if I'm having a constant brain fog when it comes to issues of abuse and recovery.

Thank you for reading and I'm looking forward to get to know you guys.

Mick

Hello Mick and welcome to MaleSurvivor.

You shared that the abuse is like "déjà vu", it can certainly be like that. Intense physical stimulation as you experienced during the abuse can create a dissociative personality(ies) that "protects" or takes the abuse for the personality that you had before the abuse. This can lead to moments of memory lapse in your life history.

Be calm fellow survivor. All of these things have been talked about and experiences shared in MaleSurvivor. You no doubt have read about these here, as well as finding the right MSA therapist. Importantly Mick, go easy on yourself. You have endured horrific, debilitating events in your life and you are trying to guide yourself through them. It is a process, it takes time, we make mistakes, we adjust and keep recovering.

Welcome to recovery and to MaleSurvivor. Post and reply often, find local support you can count on, really find ways to be kind to yourself, you are so worth it.

Sam

Welcome, Mick.

there are lots of familiar themes in your story: partial and repressed memories, parental abuse, sensory triggers...

many of us have had similar experiences and can offer support and encouragement. my history included step-dad's unwanted attention from 5 - 13 as well as verbal until i moved out at 18. though i don't know details of your treatment, my recent life demonstrates that there is hope for a better life.

good to have you with us,
Lee

Thank you guys, it is good to be among people who understand and who can offer their perspective on these issues. I've read several threads so far and it's really good to see the level of support and wisdom that is shared here.

Mick

Hey Mick,

You're in the right place. Read as much as you can handle. Take a break from it if you need to because it can be pretty overwhelming. And post if you gain any new insights or want to share more about you experience. It'll help the next guy....and more guys keep coming every day. Good luck.

Jude