Hi Friends, I have recently discovered that my attraction to one of my many abusers (17 total & still counting) has returned with greater awareness than ever before. He was the key person who told me he loved me and cared about me when I thought no one else did(I was 12-13 he was married with children and aprox. 26 years old). He haunts my thoughts almost daily because I also realize that a person in my circle of friends, with whom I am totally attracted to, is the mirror image of the above mentioned abuser. I was looking at pictures of the abuser on his daughter's FB page and noticed the similarities to my friend with with whom I am presently totally attracted. I opened pics of my friend and the abuser and realized how much they resembled one another. For a short period all I could think about was how the two were so much alike in looks and as I reflected on it more, behavior as well. I was so mixed up over the holidays...torn between the attraction to my friend and my abuser simultaneously- I almost lost my mind! tonight, I still feel totally attracted to my friend but feel sick to my guts knowing that its the similarity to my abuser that

That's some mixed up feelings you have there! We can't help the things that we feel & I'm told that feelings toward an abuser are somewhat common. It's also common to feel attraction towards someone based on a similarity to another person you are attracted to. Now, I'm no doctor, but I imagine that all these feelings are normal... Albeit a bit/very unsettling at times. I know that this likely doesn't help, but just know that you are not alone!

Be Easy on yourself

It takes time to review, Reveal and understand more and finally untangle and even discard the messages that arose out of the abuse to get to who we really are underneath it all.

Attraction for different peoples is different, same attraction is never for all.

The abuser can have a hold on us subconsciously--he had control over us, made us feel a certain way towards him--it is not only sexual abuse, it is emotional and psychological abuse. We may have an attraction to the abuser and the acts done--believing he and the acts are signs of being special or love--despite one's orientation. Some act out to take control of the abuse--believing if they control it the pain and hurt will disappear and it was not longer an act we had not control over.

The key is learn and have the whole accept the abuser was just that--an abuser and not a person who cared or loved their victim--I know this is easier said than done. I fight it daily--I am repulsed by the abuser and the acts-but that part of me that I buried long ago sees the abuser differently--as someone who loved him--the child who seeks love.

It is a damaged mind we are left with after the abuse--we understand but others do not.

Dear O K

Not just a damaged mind after the abuse. But we were needy and vulnerable to begin with. That is part of what made the acceptance of the abuse.

We learn to justify what happens today in the context of the abuse seeking some way to avoid the feeling of being dominated and powerless. The projection of similarities between the abuser and the current experience are tainted by this need. The fact is my experience often involved projecting upon other either the abuse or the identification with the abused.

I cherry picked the characteristics to make this perception seem appropriate. It is nuts!

*

I revealed part of the abuse to my parents. They questioned me after seeing some changes in my behavior. I kept the "worst" parts a secret for well over a decade. James was sentenced to juvenile detention and was forced to write an apology letter. My parents read it to me aloud, and I remember being tremendously confused. I asked many times if he and I could still be friends. And I asked if I had done something wrong. He was my "friend" and as Gary said, he played baseball with me, we played ship wreck in the backyard, and he we hung out regularly. But before all that, he bullied me constantly. So by the time he wanted to be my "friend" I was all too willing. Right up until the whole thing ended I thought he was my friend, and I thought that the abuse was what friends did. When my parents read the letter I had no clue that what took place was wrong. He was 9 years older than I was.

The day I realized that I was taken advantage, that he wasn't my friend, that I was groomed into submission, that he made me feel complicit. I felt so incredibly used. I cried myself to sleep. That level of confusion is the absolute core of our pain. Led to believe we are being loved and cared for, when really we are being used like an object.

Heal well brothers.

Sincerely,

Daniel