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#421523 - 01/08/13 03:06 PM Re: Interview With A Vampire [Re: Farmer Boy]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Thanks Jude - You are a 'legend'.

I just realised that in my attempt to cover what he told me I ended up down playing the most important part. So I will expand......
Quote:
He said when he thinks about what he did it horrifies him that he actually did it - I believed him - it seemed genuine but now I'm not sure if he was just in damage control mode. Saying what I need to hear.

He did say SORRY!!!

He said that he was truly sorry for what he did and that if he knew then how much pain it would cause he would not have done it. He said that he just thought it was a bit of fun - people tell you that you can do these things and you want to try them.

He tried to say he wasn't a real pedophile and I explained quite clearly to him that yes he is. His resosponse - nob, look down, 'oh...OK' . There is 10 years difference and a clear difference in power.

He said he wished someone had told him that it wasn't ok (in reality he should have known because he got in trouble more than once for show and tell). If show and tell is bad then surely putting your dick in a 3-4 year old's mouth is worse. I am aware of his need to downplay what happened and his concern that I will press charges against him.

But I have to remember - He did say sorry and he seemed to be sincere about it.

Lee
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#421648 - 01/09/13 11:11 AM Re: Interview With A Vampire [Re: Farmer Boy]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1369
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: Farmer Boy
Thanks Jude - You are a 'legend'.


Hey, don't you have to be DEAD to be considered a legend? I'm not dead yet!

Jude
_________________________
"When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown, the dream is gone
And I have become comfortably numb."
Pink Floyd

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#421678 - 01/09/13 07:24 PM Re: Interview With A Vampire [Re: Farmer Boy]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Sorry ...My Bad .....

Jude - You are a LIVING Legend and I think you are awesome and I really 'get' your sense of humour.

Thanks for being here for me, Man. It means a lot.

Lee
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#421688 - 01/09/13 08:15 PM * [Re: Farmer Boy]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 01:59 PM)

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#421691 - 01/09/13 08:22 PM * [Re: Farmer Boy]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 01:59 PM)

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#421694 - 01/09/13 08:45 PM Re: Going to 'talk' to my abuser on FRIDAY [Re: Farmer Boy]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Lee. Good for you doing this. And I'm glad that you brother was as open and honest as he was able to be.

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#422024 - 01/13/13 10:46 PM Re: Going to 'talk' to my abuser on FRIDAY [Re: Farmer Boy]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
I am ready to tell more.....

First I think I should explain that I really didn't have much to do with him growing up. He was more like an uncle or older cousin than a brother. He did not show me any attention apart from the abuse. He lived with us every other weekend. I looked up to him. To me he was an adult - at 15-16 he was adult size. When he showed me affection in this way I lapped it up because I was never included in any big boy games and NEEDED to feel accepted loved. Dad ignored or verbally abused me. I thought I was special and loved him and I was sad when it stopped. I felt used and abandoned.

One of the things that I didn't meantion is that I found out that HE IS A CONVICTED CHILD SEX OFFENDER and on 'the list'. He also touched his 8 year old half sister's (on his mum's side) vagina on the outside once (accordingto him) - for this he was convicted and ordered to pay damages. She got $5000 in damages plus court costs. She pressed the charges 12 years ago (roughly 19 years after the fact).

This has really rattled me for a few reasons.

1. This makes it REAL. He wasn't just a mixed up teenage boy who made a mistake once. Between me, my other brother and his half sister that is three victims that he has admitted too. I was the youngest but my other brother was abused more frequently.
2. I was not 'special' - I was available
3. What he did to me was 'worse' than what he did to her and she got paid damages
4. He was obviously 'playing' me - telling me what he thought I needed to hear so I wouldn't press charges. So how can I trust anything he said???

I had always said that I didn't want to press charges even at 11 when I told my pastor and parents. (who chose to do NOTHING) After hearing about the case at first I said I didn't want to put myself or my family through that - plus he is already on the list so me coming forward isn't going to be any more help to other future victims.

I did/do truly believe that he has changed and is not a risk to anyone.

But then I started to think ..... how much is it worth??? What he did to me. What about all the pills and doctors and T sessions. Doesn't he owe me that. Plus he inherited a lot of money $100,000s of dollars from my uncle and I got nothing (through a family misunderstanding that was not anything to do with me). I have to admit that I wanted revenge. I wanted him to pay.

Then when i realised that (even though he IS a pathetic indiviual) he was trying really hard to get the sympathy vote. His whole sob story about his background and the abuse that led up to it and how the stuff he did to us wasn't his fault really - but he still takes responsibility for it and is sorry.

I knew he would try to minimize what he did. But the reality of sitting there with him talking about it in a normal conversation type voice - very matter of fact. It really got into my head. I didn't let it show in front of him. I made sure I stuck to the plan and didn't let him off the hook. But afterwards - on the way home I started to think that I had it all wrong - it wasn't really that bad - so he made me suck his thing and touch him etc - it didn't really do me any harm. His life is worse than mine so it can't have affected me that much. What is the big deal?

This made me more mad.

But now I have come to accept that I do not want to put myself through court. It will not help my recovery.

I think I can still forgive him and being realistic he was only a teenager who didn't fully understand the damage he was causing. But he was old enough to know it was wrong and I will not take any resposibility for what happened - it is ALL on him. It was his fault. He should have known better. He used me as a toy to practice on and that is NOT ok.

While he has tried to minimise what he did I do think he is actually sorry for what he did. (at least for the way it affected his own life - depression, crimial charges/court, suicide attemps, failed marriages).

I am willing to be the bigger person here. I will forgive him. Not because he deserves it but because it is in my power to do so. I deserve it.

Looking back that has more to do with being a 'real' man than my physical appearance or worldly status.

Lee
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#422025 - 01/13/13 11:00 PM Re: Going to 'talk' to my abuser on FRIDAY [Re: Farmer Boy]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
I don't think that I could forgive.

You are one hell of a man Lee.

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#422699 - 01/20/13 07:50 AM Re: Interview With A Vampire [Re: Farmer Boy]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
I have had some time to reflect on my journey over the last month or so. Hmmmm.

I guess I just want to offer up some advice for someone else thinking about doing this. BE very very careful!!!

Now I have been pretty upfront about the fact that I was not afraid of him. I was confident that I was a 'better man' in statue and status. I was also 'ok' with the fact that he might have a different view of 'what happened between us'. Sorry I got into the habit of saying it like that so as to not openly accuse him of raping me and him get defensive.

He is my brother and I forgive him for what he did, I understand how he thought it was ok and I will still have contact with him ..... however I will not allow him to be close to me like a normal brother would be AND the is no way in hell I will EVER EVER EVER leave him alone with either of my children.

The truth is he IS a pedophile. He has been convicted of sexually assaulting a child. He is a registered Child Sex Offender. I know he has done it to at least three children. Even though he says that this stopped around the age of 16 - he admitted he still struggles with a desire for young girls. It is still in him.

While he said clearly that what he did was wrong, he minimised it by saying that it really wasn't his fault because of the sexual and physical abuse he suffered and his crappy upbringing.
How many guys are there here that were abused in every way possible including sexually and yet DID NOT sexually abuse their younger brothers??? There is something wrong with him!

I went into this meeting with the understanding that I was 'playing' him to get the information I wanted .... and I did. But he was playing me too - I can see that now. He was trying to make me feel sympathy for him so I wouldn't put him through going to court again. He minimized the abuse and his responsibilty for it. He said what he thought I wanted to hear "I'm sorry - I am horrified at what I did to you." But the kind of person that does these things to small children and can justify them is someone not to be underestimated. While I was determined to be strong (and I was) in our meeting. The act of sitting there with him while we drank tea, casually and calmly chatted for 3 1/2 hours about the things he did to me and others really took it's toll on me. He got into my head.

Sitting there with that crap going into my head really messed with me. It didn't hit me until the drive home but he manipulated me into believing that it wasn't really that bad. It is only bad if I make it bad. He was a victim as much as me. He also made me believe that what he did with my other brother (who is 6 years younger than him) was part of a mutual and loving brotherly relationship - that it was mutual experimentation. He even tried to fudge their ages to make himself look less guilty (saying they were 10 and 12 - AS if I didn't KNOW they are 6 years apart). For a week or more I was struggling with the fact that my brothers had a loving sexual relationship that I was not a part of. I felt so left out.... and used .... but after talking to my friends here about it - it hit me..... NO a 10 year old can not have a mutual and healthy sexual relationship with a 16 year old. That was not OK. It was CSA. My other brother and me had always had an understanding without saying anything that our half brother had abused us both. I had assumed what he did to me was worse (because it was BAD) but it appears he did the same stuff more frequently with my other brother. In some ways what he did to me was worse because I was 3 when it first started and 5 or 6 when he first made me perform oral sex on him. My older brother was 10 and had already sexually experimented with other boys his own age.

When I was a child he lead me to believe that he cared about me and this was something special older brothers do to teach their little brothers about 'how to be one of the big boys'. As part of his story he implicated our father as sexually abusing him by 'watching' him. Now as soon as he said that I could identify with that and could agree that my dad was 'a bit funny like that'. I had not considered it CSA because he never touched us. But he was a perv and did talk to us about 'dirty' stuff and called us names like faggot and poofter.

The whole process really made me question my definition of CSA.

Can I call it rape when he 'only' manipulated me into giving him oral sex at 5 or is it 'just' sexual abuse?
Did my father sexually abuse us even though he didn't touch us?
Could my brothers have had a sexual relationship on an equal level even though they where 6 years apart?
How far does this pattern of CSA go?
Am I just making a big deal about nothing?

So now I have everything back in order in my head (I think) - but boy did he rattle things up in there.

Never underestimate a perpetrator - they are cunning and manipulative and can be charming too.

Lee


Edited by Farmer Boy (01/20/13 07:52 AM)
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#422704 - 01/20/13 09:52 AM Re: Interview With A Vampire [Re: Farmer Boy]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 262
Loc: MO
To Farmer Boy

I was afraid to read or respond to your "Thread(s)". I could not imagine contacting the 26 year old man who raped and abused the 13-14 year old me.

And my older brother was my first molester, begining when I was 10. My experience with my brother was mostly his shrugging it off as normal for anyone who was abused would abuse others. He could not really remember what had happened to him, but we could compare notes about when we were 8 and 10, or 6 and 8 and identify the photographer who took pictures of us (and my little brother too)with our underpants on our heads. And maybe he abused my older brother. I can't say that would suprise me.

But, being 10 and having my brother ejaculate on me, or 12 and having me suck him wAS far less traumatic than your experience at the hamnds of your brother. Was it rape? If the penetration of any vaginal, anal or oral orifice is achieved, it is rape.

Are you just making a big deal about nothing? No. You were violated, manipulated, used by an individual you should have been able to trust. Only one out of three individuals who experience sexual abuse go on to become perpetrators. So it is not average, but it is not uncommon.

I have forgiven my brother, but I still remember when I wanted to kill him.

I still know that it was under his control, and not mutual experimentation. His experiementation on my and my little brother may have not been "Unreasonable," but it was a violation, particularly when it was not mutual but anded after he got his, and then beraTING ME AS A HOMOSEXUAL (BEFORE i KNEW what a homosexual was). This is part of my story and I am impressed with your care, consideration and process of healing and including the confrontation with your abuser.

Even now, I have that gut wrenching want to vomit fear reaction just writing this. Thanks for your model of bravery, both in what you did and in the detail with which you shared your experience.


Edited by genedebs (01/20/13 10:01 AM)

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