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#421845 - 01/11/13 08:07 AM Re: Marriage, CSA and way to much PAIN [Re: SmartShadow]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
SmartShadow,

You have been handling an extremely painful and taxing and emotionally exhausting "sector" of all this bullshit that married survivors go through - and doing a great job of it from what I see. Open-eyed, honest, identifying problems and what's really important. And it's clear that your wife supports you and the help she is getting will be critical for both of you.

When I met my wife, 7 years ago, I barely knew about my CSA - they were meaningless dissociated pictures in my head devoid of any feeling - and I didn't care about it at all. So she knew and saw nothing at all. The time bomb in my head finally blew up a few months ago - between the shame and horror and shock of it, plus other life stresses we were going through, I couldn't tell her. I kept up my lie about another month, then she found my pills and I had to tell her. And we each had to deal with our own shocked and changed spouse for a while.

I know what it's like to hurt her with lies, to feel like the piece of shit who hurts his wife, know what it's like to wonder if this is the final step, the beginning of the end. She, too, is very suspicious and creeped out by MS - it doesn't help that she used to snoop here and learned that way that I'm bi (or have SSA, whatever). But.... she dealt. She dealt, overall, quite well. She's still on edge about secrecy issues, but in nearly all regards she's firmly in my corner now.

If anything she's become more affectionate since learning about the sexuality issue, maybe she wants to make sure I don't forget where I really belong. Makes for a nice "consolation prize" I suppose?

Oh, and... CSA or no CSA, I think nearly all marriages have the "wish-I-hadn't" moment. No you shouldn't say it, but we can all be adult enough to admit it can exist. It's difficult to keep going under the BEST of circumstances, so every extra stressor can only naturally make the dark thoughts swirl a bit more. They're only thoughts. Marriage, in general, can be protected a bit better by the "they're only thoughts" factor.

You really seem to be on the right track and I'm rooting for you and your wife to come through this closer than before.


Matt
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#421850 - 01/11/13 10:09 AM Re: Marriage, CSA and way to much PAIN [Re: SmartShadow]
Luftraumm Offline


Registered: 01/06/13
Posts: 17
Loc: Brasil
SmartShadow, having someone who is willing to not only help you, but learn how to do it, is so very much a treasure.

I just want to say that, there are people out there who haven't got the emotional resources to do that, and end up creating even more pain and emotional prisons, the guilt games, the "just move on already", these all build up even more trauma onver our initial pain.

You are a wonderful person for taking care of your family, and they are wonderful people for taking care of you.
cherish it.

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#421857 - 01/11/13 11:51 AM Re: Marriage, CSA and way to much PAIN [Re: SmartShadow]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 285
Loc: MO
Yes smart Shadow, cherish your wife's support.

I learned to perceive myself as a machine, an automoton, able to perform and act as I believed I should. When in truth I was a terrible ugly unloveable monster. I was damaged by childhood physical and sexual abuse. I was going to destroy people if I ever let me out and expressed my rage without impulse control.

I too thought I would never seriously marry. That is even if I married I would not be available to care for my wife and family,

I fell in love and believed in the possibility that I could participate in creating a family. I married at 20, and spent 20nyears drinking nad writing rages about my abandonment, abuse and need. Not that I got the my needs met, but at least I could express myslef and not be rejected.

When I got sober we moved further apart and she did not get sober. So three years later after 25 years of marraige she threw me out of the house. If she had wanted an intimate relationship she would not have been married to a drunk all those years.

We had 4 kids and I still see them once a year and my 5 grand kids. My youngest son is now 33 years old.

Yes there are conflicts and things we say to hurt each other, or not intending to hurt, hurting each other anyway.

There was never an understanding of what csa did to me. The acceptance that I am not nor ever was a machine. I did not understand this till long after my divorce.

Welcome to this site as a place to seek support, I have only been here for three months but it is already the most validating experience of my life. You are not alone. Though we all have different stories, we all are the same.

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#421865 - 01/11/13 04:52 PM Re: Marriage, CSA and way to much PAIN [Re: SmartShadow]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
Hay Jim,

Thanks for your post,

I think the hardest thing I ever did in my marage is to talk to my wife about the csa and my confusion and pain that I live with because of it. It has helped me and her to be closer to each other. I understand your hesitation and fear, but if you tink the time is right you may want to take the risk. It has been night and day better, to know I am not alone in my cas pain. I am sorry to say that I am just realizing that I have been in part taking it out on her.

I think this is a topic that we should explor, How / Why do male CSA survivors "hurt the people we love"? Self protection?


Edited by SmartShadow (01/13/13 09:46 AM)

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#421866 - 01/11/13 05:23 PM Re: Marriage, CSA and way to much PAIN [Re: SmartShadow]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
I am so slow at posting. I have to feel, it seams, each letter, each word. It can take some times an hour or two to post something. Especially is there are other distractions going on. I did not realize that there was a second page until I posted my last post.

Thank you all !!!

There is so much here, so much to respond to.

It feels like I am on the brink of some real revalouion in my recovery. You have all given me much to think about, and I an grateful.

I will try to let you know more tomorrow.

The lights are starting to come on for me on some of this stuff.

Connections I have never made before.

Like this I replied to a PM from this topic.

A lot is falling into place right now and I hope I can learn to acept responsibility for the pain I have caused her. I have a have a tendency to reject the pain I have caused her because my abuser put a head trip on me after the abuse of how could you be so cruel to me, the way I stoped talking to him after the abuse. I just became aware of this this morning. But my strong reaction to my wife of I did not hurt you, that's your problem, I think is coming from that.

I will check in tomorrow.

And thanks, all of you


Edited by SmartShadow (01/11/13 09:04 PM)

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#421873 - 01/11/13 07:23 PM * [Re: SmartShadow]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 02:01 PM)

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#422013 - 01/13/13 07:48 PM Re: Marriage, CSA and way to much PAIN [Re: SmartShadow]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
Thank you all for your help with this.

Things are falling into place like the last 20 pice of a puzzle.

I spent the last few days with my wife. Her world was in a bit of a free fall. As the walls of denial have been coming down for me, she has had to face a similar fate.

My wife googled wife's of male survivors and ended up on something Oprah did that eventually led her to this sight. I told her enught about MS that she knew this was the site I have been spending time on.

It put her into a tail spin.

I was able to listen and let her have her process.

She asked me a number of times,
How can you be on this site and not be triggered? How can it not make it worse?

I realy felt unknown in my struggle and process, and I realized we were using words all this time like being triggered, and we were not talking about the same thing at all. This is realy not her falt now that I think about it. Years back when I went through group therapy for sexual addiction the term triger was used in terms of what happen to set the adiction cycle in motion. I have been using the word triger now for years to mean any thing that causes an intense set of emotions or reactions that is disproportionate to what is actually going on. I think she may have been thinking it always leads to intence sexual arousal or something. I explained when I talk about being triggered It is an intence internal reaction to something I experance. I told her that that it can have a sexual component to it but not much anymore for me, but if it dose its more like 2 cup of terror, 4 cup of pain, 2 cups of dread and 3 ounces of sexual energy all forced into my vains at once. Nothing good about it. I explained that I could not even stand to be in my own skin let alone be in the presents of another person. I explained that this was why I have such an aversion to the idea of talking through this stuff with a T.

I also explained that for the first time in my life I had the MS comunity to process with and I was starting to learn about my self and grow. I was not compleatly alone in all of this.

I explained it was a needed process for me to put words to a complicated world of confusion and pain.

I explained that this site is far greater then a bunch of broken people rehearsing the hell they have gone through and continue to go through. That this was a place where survivors like me could learn, find truth and encouragement, and most importantly find a way up and out of this hellish trap. I explained that there are many who are making the journey out who are coming back down in to this hell to encourage each other and point the way and offer a cup of water to someone who doesn't have enught to make it. Why would you not want to do that?

I think she started to understand a bit better. Last night My wife thank me for the time I had spent with her and told me that she was ok and if I needed to come on this site that it was realy ok with her. I thank her and said that today was about us being togeather.

We had a good day togeather, hard stuff but we are togeather and in this togeather. We agreed that going through this togeather and coming out on the other side togeather was preferably to me going through this process of T + EMDR and healing alone.

I started disclosing my csa brokenness to my wife 23 years ago, only now are we realy beginning to coming to terms with the extent of the damage and pain I, we have suffered from it. It seams to be bringing us much closer togeather in the end

Our commitment has been once again tested and comes out stronger. But not with out realizing that I have caused my wife and family damage and will have to work to repair fractured trust especially with my wife.

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#422021 - 01/13/13 09:49 PM * [Re: SmartShadow]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 02:04 PM)

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#422022 - 01/13/13 09:59 PM Re: Marriage, CSA and way to much PAIN [Re: SmartShadow]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3378
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Originally Posted By: SmartShadow
She asked me a number of times,
How can you be on this site and not be triggered? How can it not make it worse?

I realy felt unknown in my struggle and process, and I realized we were using words all this time like being triggered, and we were not talking about the same thing at all. This is realy not her falt now that I think about it. Years back when I went through group therapy for sexual addiction the term triger was used in terms of what happen to set the adiction cycle in motion. I have been using the word triger now for years to mean any thing that causes an intense set of emotions or reactions that is disproportionate to what is actually going on. I think she may have been thinking it always leads to intence sexual arousal or something. I explained when I talk about being triggered It is an intence internal reaction to something I experance. I told her that that it can have a sexual component to it but not much anymore for me, but if it dose its more like 2 cup of terror, 4 cup of pain, 2 cups of dread and 3 ounces of sexual energy all forced into my vains at once. Nothing good about it. I explained that I could not even stand to be in my own skin let alone be in the presents of another person. I explained that this was why I have such an aversion to the idea of talking through this stuff with a T.

I also explained that for the first time in my life I had the MS comunity to process with and I was starting to learn about my self and grow. I was not compleatly alone in all of this.

I explained it was a needed process for me to put words to a complicated world of confusion and pain.

I explained that this site is far greater then a bunch of broken people rehearsing the hell they have gone through and continue to go through. That this was a place where survivors like me could learn, find truth and encouragement, and most importantly find a way up and out of this hellish trap. I explained that there are many who are making the journey out who are coming back down in to this hell to encourage each other and point the way and offer a cup of water to someone who doesn't have enught to make it. Why would you not want to do that?


Smart -

i wish there were other words to use for different degrees and varieties of tiggers - it would make it easier to communicate. sometimes we use the term pretty loosely.

this is such a good description of what goes on here. i love the way you were able to articulate it. i've had very similar conversations with my wife.

my T says that you have to re-experience triggers in order to get over them. that by repeating the process you learn what you can do to take control of the situation and cause it to lose its power over you.

i hope you and your wife realize how well you are doing and what huge strides you are making. well done!

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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