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#404845 - 07/26/12 12:39 AM he loves me, he loves me not
mkn10 Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 27
Hey everyone,

Some of you have read my story and have been great with your advice. My partner and I are no longer "together". We are both very young. He went off on a party trip to Europe in order to escape the pain and suffering he has been experiencing.

And every single time I think it is over, he is back telling me he loves me. I got an email from him while he has been away telling me that I am the thing he wants most in his life and he knows he will have a life of joy if I am in his arms.

I responded by asking him if he was ready to discuss some of the problems we were having in our relationship (e.g. dishonesty and his confusion about his feelings for me and the world, drug abuse etc). And there he goes again, AWOL, no response, off the radar.

It is very confusing, and I must admit that I feel resentment for my ex because I have known that I love him all along, and this has been never-failing and unconditional, I don't faze in and out of this feeling all the time. And it is as though I am supposed to be grateful that he realised he loves me (for one day). BUT having said that, I know my perspective is coming from how a non-CSA victim would think, I guess it is much easier for me to have clarity about my emotions. I can only imagine a small part of how is uncertainty must feel as I experience my own uncertainty that results from his behaviour.

Does anyone have a similar experience? Am I crazy for believing his heartfelt declarations of love?

No matter what I do, I come back to the point of not wanting to give up.

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#404849 - 07/26/12 01:43 AM Re: he loves me, he loves me not [Re: mkn10]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
HI MKN10

Sorry for what you are going through.
I was the same to my wife, I would tell her I love her, then I would treat her like junk, then I would tell her I don't love her. Now the thing is that I did not want to be without her, we had a very Co-Dependent relationship and she was actually the one person I could not be without. She was what I call my safe place, the person I could abuse and use as I saw fit, she kept the fašade of a happy family for me and kept me fed and clothed and tended my house.
Now after my healing, I separated from her and had the opportunity to "sow my wild oats" but didn't I remained single and explored my heart and mind, and started to figure that I did not want to live life with out her.
It is only with a healthy mind that one can decide if you really want to be with someone or not.
With my survivor brain I could love no one not even myself.

You are hoping that a man that does not really understand love, must now love you. I remember that when my abusers did their thing, they always told me that they loved me and this is why we are doing X. Love to me was a thing that meant pain shame and embarrassment.
I did not know how to love or that love did not come with a string of conditions.

I feel that you need to use this time to sit down and figure out what it is that you want for your life, and when he calls and tells you that he loves you, just say OK.
If he does want to come back and be with you, then you need to have the boundaries in place and he must know that the rules are going to be enforced.
What are the rules.
1) Get therapy and help to deal with your past.
2) No Drugs or alcohol.
3) No lies
4) No Porn use
5) No Emotional affairs etc

I am not saying that this is what is happening, but these are Ideas for you.

Take control of your life and let those that support and love you fit into what you want for life, not you fit into their messed up way of thinking.

Love yourself enough to allow yourself to be happy.

Hope this helps you.

Heal well
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#404851 - 07/26/12 02:08 AM Re: he loves me, he loves me not [Re: mkn10]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Bravo, Martin! I can't add a single thing. Wait! That's a lie! Yes, I can!

MKN10-

Please consider what it is you don't want to give up on. I don't mean this to sound heartless, but you are here and he is there...in Europe...where you are not. It doesn't really sound like you have anything tangible to give up. He has taken it away. But, he wants to keep you in his back pocket- NOT because it is best for you, but because it is best for him.

If he loved you with a mature, healthy love, he would be at your side working through these things with you. And maybe one day he will do that very thing. But until then, Martin is spot on: work on you and your life. Conduct your days as you would if he didn't exist. Become the person for your own sweet self that you are for him! If you can accomplish that, you will discover what is and what isn't worthy of your efforts.

Godspeed, sweet one!
herowannabe
_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#405031 - 07/27/12 05:37 PM Re: he loves me, he loves me not [Re: mkn10]
Kazbob12 Offline


Registered: 03/19/12
Posts: 42
Hi MKN10,

I am going through a very similar situation and have been for around a year and a half. My partner goes AWOL often in fact you can usually time it by the full moon (spooky I know but research does indicate that the imbalances caused can effect emotional states and irrationality). So he went back to his mothers around 10 weeks ago. During that time he came back for 6 days and began to slip with drinking etc again. He realised this and done what we agreed and went back to his mams. I have seen him once, which was last Thursday where he told me he loved me but did not know what he wanted and was unsure if he could commit to a relationship at this time. We agreed to take it back to the beginning but the same rules of respect etc applied.

He arranged to come over on Sunday gone which he confirmed on the afternoon he was still coming..... and didnt. No phone call nothing. So after being let down again for the umpteenth time and a lot of soul searching I decided to let him know I was ending the relationship. Explained my reaons why and that when he was able to commit to me and give me the respect I deserved then I would revisit my feelings for him then but in the mean time I will be dating other people if the opportunity rises.

As you can imagine this did not go down well at all. Ended in a horrible argument via text message and he is collecting the last of his things this Sunday.

I suppose what I am saying i you have to realise where your cut off point is. And like has already been said above, if someone truly loved you they would know that these actions are wrong. I have set the boundaries and explained that should he do thi again (leave me hanging) then the relationship would be over.

It has ripped me apart to do this. I have not only invested all my love in my partner but supported him no end... but I know to keep being there and 'just someone to fall back on' is technically toxic for both of us. He needs to re-evaluate his understanding of morals and respect. How to show respect and love in a relationship and also show himself these things. He can not do this if I allow him to do the opposite....

Stay strong and take all the advice given. You need to look after yourself also. I realised I was being dragged down and little by little with every failed arrangement, no reply from texts or phone calls I was being stripped of my confidence and belief in myself.

Karen x

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#405033 - 07/27/12 06:10 PM Re: he loves me, he loves me not [Re: mkn10]
scottyg Offline


Registered: 06/26/12
Posts: 253
Loc: Seattle
Karen-

of course I am saddened to hear about the failure of this relationship. Yet at the sametime I'm glad you found the strength to quit holding onto the pain for your sake (and this helps him, beleive it or not)

Martin has volunteered a lot about how seperating from his partner and getting his head together did worlds of good for him. We can only hope that your (former) partner will understand what a wonderful person he has sacrificed. Hopefully in time he'll learn that his behavior, his emotional illness, will only lead to greater and greater unhappiness. Ideally he will realize what it takes to become a whole human being.

I was thirty years old before I met someone who was caring and supportive and accepting of me. These people do not come around very often. You were that person for him, regardless if he saw it. For that you should be proud. Hold your head up, knowing you did all you could. I have a feeling one day he'll come crawling back with his hat in his hand. If that happens you'll need to decide if he's worth taking.

all the best,

Scott
_________________________
I've got a bike you can ride it if you like.
Its got a basket, a bell that rings
And many other things to make it look good.
I'd give it to you if I could -but I've borrowed it.

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#405044 - 07/27/12 10:06 PM Re: he loves me, he loves me not [Re: mkn10]
scottyg Offline


Registered: 06/26/12
Posts: 253
Loc: Seattle
Originally Posted By: mkn10
Am I crazy for believing his heartfelt declarations of love?

No matter what I do, I come back to the point of not wanting to give up.


Yes, you are crazy for believing a man who "loves" you only at his convenience. People who truly love and respect each other will discuss their difficulties and work together to repair them. You've said he has no inclination to do so. You are carrying his water, as they say.

Your not wanting to give up no matter what is telling. It seems you broke up but only sort of for now... There's another line in the sand out there somewhere. You're saying a European holiday with untold number of rendezvous and liasons is still not crossing that line. Flagrant lack of respect or consideration for you is not enough for you to give up. His cheery emails keep you hopeful. Do you hear how bad that sounds?

If you are no longer "together" then act like it. Inform him that his time to grow up and deal with his problems has come. Tell him what you told us, that you resent the fact that you supposed to feel so honored he's realized he can love someone besides himself. Alert him to the fact that you are on to his manipulative game and assure him the one and only way the two of you will get back together is on your terms. Take the power back!

-Scott
_________________________
I've got a bike you can ride it if you like.
Its got a basket, a bell that rings
And many other things to make it look good.
I'd give it to you if I could -but I've borrowed it.

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#422009 - 01/13/13 06:11 PM Re: he loves me, he loves me not [Re: mkn10]
mkn10 Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 27
Hi again everyone,

I'm sorry that I have not replied in so long. I guess I needed a break from it all. Just wanted to update.

When my ex came back from overseas, it was as though all happiness had returned to him. He was joyful, making a true effort with me, and he told me that he knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and that if he hadn't of been such an idiot we'd be married already.

So that all lasted for about 1 month. Then he said he was confused again, confused about me, how that broke my heart as I had just started to let him back in again. That was in September, and since we have been on/off in a repetitive cycle of someone leaving and then coming back. It has been horrible, but with moments of absolute beauty in between.

Finally, yesterday was the straw that broke the camel's back. Just one too many times he went AWOL, ignored all contact with me and shut me out of his home. I had a breakdown and could not stop crying and then I realised this was all so unhealthy for me. I am devastated to report that I made the decision to change my number and cut him off, as it is the only way I can actually move on, not that it even seems possible still.

Unfortunately, the love runs so very deep in these situations.

I hope things have worked out better for you all. It is so hard to accept that so much evil is present in the world.

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