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#421923 - 01/12/13 02:57 PM Question--Feelings Toward Abuser
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1666
I was wondering who have mixed feelings toward the abuser. My T and psychiatrist say part of me despises the abuser and a part finds a feeling of being special to the abuser. Both say it is common because the child looks for love and the grooming makes them believe they are special. I gather the latter is the child who was taken in by the abuser. I fight this battle in myself daily and it holds me back from integrating the parts. They also believe when I loose time it is the child part I do not accept that is seeking the abuser and what he did--a way to get love that I seem not to allow to that part of me. I am repulsed by the abuser and cannot accept any part of me would feel special or love toward the abuser and the acts he did.

Does anyone else have this issue-Thanks


Edited by KMCINVA (01/12/13 03:02 PM)

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#421928 - 01/12/13 03:29 PM Re: Question--Feelings Toward Abuser [Re: KMCINVA]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 285
Loc: MO
dear K C

**Trigger**

I spent a long time refusing to consider my mother an abuser. However, when I was 12 she had me undress for her friend the phtographer so he could take pictures. When I was naked and he continued to take pictures and she told him to cut the pictures down. This seemed like somethjing was the matter with me, particularly since I ahd an erection. She said it was just that I shouldn't be embarrassed when I saw the pictures when I was older.

This I now know was abuse. And yes I have very mixed feelings about my mother. For example, it was not abuse when I told my parents that I had been abused by a friend of my mother. She asked if I enjoyed being penetrated and I said no it hurt. She said then you are allright. It was a very hurtful and denigrating action on my mothers part. At least 25 years later she admitted she felt guilty about her friend raping me. And although she was a narcisist and couldn't love anyone, she was as close to love as I got from anybody.

My brother who never felt he did anything wrong because he didn't do anything to my little brother and me that wasn't done to him. I am less willing to accept a mixed feeling about him.

My mother explained to me her business partner was exploring his sexuality. This meant to me I should participate in sex with him so he could figure that out. I ended up sucking him off on two occasions. I do not despise him. He was confused, I was confused and he was needy. But the fact that he was 12 years older than I was, I felt that I had been as involved in it as he had been. He had been helpful in my learning many other things about education and urban systems and music. So it was all mixed up. Feeling special to be a learner and to be used.

I know our sytories are not the same, but perhaps seeing my confusion might help.

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#421929 - 01/12/13 03:34 PM Re: Question--Feelings Toward Abuser [Re: genedebs]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1666
I am sorry. It has to be difficult to live with--your mother and brother--and their attitudes. But you have the natural feelings to love a parent and at the same time what they did robbed you of you and your childhood. You have to face them to this day. For me, mine was a priest-I sat in front of his house and saw him at the church with a few words exchanged--but I think mine were not heard by him or acknowledged by him. When I saw him I was repulsed but also part of me was happy to see him--I do not know how to get over the mixed feelings. I appreciate your comments and story. Keep well

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#421932 - 01/12/13 04:41 PM Re: Question--Feelings Toward Abuser [Re: KMCINVA]
weharry1959 Offline


Registered: 11/13/10
Posts: 70
Loc: N/W Pennsylvania, USA
I have felt and sometimes feel that way that you do. I ended up writing (more than a dozen times) before sending a letter to my abuser.
In the end, at least for me, was that I had to acknowledge that regardless of what was said, how my body and mind responded, my abuser was wrong and I was not at fault.
I also had to acknowledge that my abuser was repeating learned behavior. He had learned it so well, that he perpped me and others.
He was never brought to justice. I know that in the end, though, he will!
My heart sometime cries for me and for him. He's such an old bitter man with no desire for inner peace because he's had to live with it for a long long time. I hated him and loved him, as he was there when my mom had cancer and able to help me to not have the adult responsiblity that a 9 year old should have in caring for farm animals, house keeping and caring for 4 younger siblings. But he knew what he was doing and took advantage of my innosence.
To that end, knowing that he needs to break his cycle of abuse, he needs to find forgiveness. I've offered it. I also understand that it may be just for today. I don't have control over tomorrow and triggers may happen when I am at my weakest level. I don't know if what I have shared is helpful. In the end, you, above all else, has to have peace.
_________________________
Forgiving does not always mean everything goes back to the way it was. There are still natural consequences for what was done.

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#421939 - 01/12/13 07:16 PM Re: Question--Feelings Toward Abuser [Re: KMCINVA]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 285
Loc: MO
K C
My mother is dead (1999)

My brother out of the country

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#421954 - 01/13/13 01:19 AM Re: Question--Feelings Toward Abuser [Re: KMCINVA]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3420
Loc: somewhere in Africa
KMC -

yep - definitely had mixed feelings for all my abusers - except the stranger who molested me in a fitting room. for him - there was nothing but fear, confusion and disgust.

for the step-dad - i feared and hated him but longed to be loved and accepted by him - but i never got a single word or act of kindness from him. when i was in my 30s he died and i wept for the fatherly relationship that i had never had.

the bullies at school and scouts - i feared and despised them - but more strongly longed to be liked and accepted by them - and desperately wanted to be just like them.

on grooming - at one time i even envied the pretty boy who was obviously being groomed by a pedo teacher - while at the same time i was disgusted and horrified by what i knew must have been going on in secret - because i mistook that treatment for love and belonging.

so - yes - VERY mixed feelings - not because any of the abusers treated me well, but the opposite - because i wished they would. i'd have done nearly anything they wanted - willingly - if i'd gotten from them the affection i craved. i guess it's good they all treated me like crap - it might have been even worse!

Lee


Edited by traveler (01/13/13 04:33 AM)
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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