I have a friend who is deeply in love and obsessed with me. We have known each other for a little over two years. When we first met, we did end up having sex, but afterwards we decided not to see or talk to each other after being told to do so by our respective church leaders. Eventually I decided to move out of state to minimize the chances of us seeing each other and possibly having sex again.

This past October the pressure got the best of me, and I called my friend. He told me that he had looked me up on Face Book and wanted to contact me, but was afraid to do so. After several conversations, we decided to be boyfriends, and when I went back home--due to a death in my family--we had sex again two more times that weekend.

My friend and I have talked since I have returned home. I told him that I am very confused and don't know what I want. Though he understands why I don't want to pursue a relationship with him, he says that he is deeply in love with me. He even told me and his church leader that he wants to save up enough money to come visit me so that we could have sex again. He says he constantly thinks of me and obsesses over my FB picture and other pictures of me as well. I told him that as much as I would want to see him and have sex, I am not sure if I would because I don't want to go against our religious beliefs. I do love and care about my friend a lot, but my feelings for him are not nearly as strong as his feelings are for me. And he knows how I feel about him. As much as it will hurt the two of us, he would respect my decision to maintain my beliefs and not pursue a relationship with him.

One time my friend told me that he didn't love or care about me. I told him that as selfish as it is for him to use me for his gratification, I didn't-and still don't--care because I wanted to have sex with him too. And I still do want to have sex, but I am not sure if I will do it again if the opportunity presents itself.

I know this sounds selfish on my part, but I am torn over this.

TW16

Hey TW16,
you are caught into some difficult situation.
I'm sorry that you are so much confused
It seems that you put a lot of effort to avoid your friend (talk with church leader, moving to other state..) but somehow it looks like it wasn't enough.
Why don't you give self more time and try to see what exactly you want from your life?

When there is a disconnect between what's in your heart and what is imposed upon you, you have to ask yourself why? Am I hurting anyone including myself ? Is this something I , as an equal human being am entitled to? Is this really anyone else's business but me and the person I am relating to?

Finally, no matter what understanding you come to, you are always free to use your own wisdom to interpret the church teachings in best way for YOU.
Otherwise you are dogmatically following others preconceived notions of how you should live your life. No one should be should upon : ) And no one can truly know the mind of god but you can truly know yourself. Follow your heart.

An unrequited life is no way to LIVE.

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Hi TW16,

One of the sad realities of life is that sometimes we have to choose between two things that we want. In this case, between pursuing a relationship with this man, or staying committed to the teachings of you church. It seems you can't have both. That is further complicated by the fact that he wants a romantic relationship, and you seem to basicly be interested in sex.

Now I am no expert on relationships. Its a struggle for me too. But I suggest that you reframe the situation a bit. You can break it down into three questions:

1) Are you Gay or straight? That is not a question of choice, its about your basic makeup as a man.
2) What is the future of this relationship?
3) Are you willing to leave your church teachings behind to embrace the a gay sexual orientation?

From your post it seems these are the general answers:

First you seem to recognize that you have a strong attraction to men, and not to women. This might tell you something about your sexual orientation.
Second, this fellow is in love with you, but you're only in "lust" with him. This might tell you something about the future of this relationship.
Third, your church's teachings oppose same sex relationships, but you have already violated that in your heart and your actions. This might tell you something about your commitment to church teachings.

I'm not intending to steer you in one direction or another. Just trying to help make the situation simpler to look at. I hope this helps a bit.

Jude

Thanks for the feedback.

As I have thought about this situation, read your posts, and talked with my friend, I am getting the impression the my friend and I would rather keep,our religious standards and possibly go our own ways.

TW

Hm so „tough” decision is to keep everything unchanged, suppress your deepest desires and shield everything with religion?
There is no way that this is good decision.
The most troublesome part is your suppression upon yourself. I would expect that you will have some serious psychological problems during course of time no matter what your religious or any other believes are because you are living in HUGE denial and one big integral part of yourself is locked…you have time bomb inside yourself…
To get out of this situation would mean real change and fight and that is not easy so I can understand why you prefer to go old way.

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I'd rather be a fool in the eyes of man then in the eye of God.

I am not religious but I belive in God. and my love for God trumps religion and man as the only relationship that is eternal..

Not simple stuff.

I would ask God what he thinks.

His answer may help you understand this on a deeper level.

And so it comes full circle.

Didn't Joseph Smith ask God what to do about the woman who would become his first plural wife. The answer was clear to him. How many women today would accept a 'new' revelation that God spoke directly with their husband. He says if she does not either accept this or believe this to be true, she would face an eternity of eternal damnation. Hmmm?

Morality is a function of the times we live. Most Americans at the founding of the nation believed in slavery and most Dr's did not wash their hands. Genetic diseases was " God's" will. That made sense for the time. Yet we somehow with respect to this issue allow the views of bronze age morality written in an archaic language and re-interpreted many times to color our view of today. Look in your eyes as you look yourself in the mirror and ask if that makes sense to you.

People are entitled to believe what the will. Squandering your true self for an idealized version of what "should be" is something you are free to do. It just seems sad in view of a childhood already diminished by CSA. iMHO it seems as an adult we survivors need to take every opportunity to live an authentic life.

I wish you well.