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#421725 - 01/10/13 12:38 AM Advice
Elijah11 Offline


Registered: 09/20/12
Posts: 10
Loc: Western Canada
Firstly I think it's important to mention that I'm not a survivor of sexual abuse.
But I am concerned my boy friend may be.
The purpose of me writing on here is to get feed back from those of you who are survivors and advice on how to proceed with helping my boyfriend come to terms with his issues. If indeed my suspicion

My boyfriend has been out to his family since he was 14 years old. They have been nothing but supportive of him and it was in fact his mother who encouraged him to come out. It’s quite amazing considering this happened in the mid 1980’s

On the first night we met, during our initial conversation he told me he lost his virginity at 14. Definitely a young age, but nothing unheard of. Some kids develop sexually a lot quicker. But then he told me during that same conversation that it was to his teacher. That surprised me.
But again it’s not unheard of that a student has a crush on their teacher whether it is a girl or guy crushing on a male or female teacher. And some fantasies get played out consensually. But I have my suspicions on the consensual part of it.
There is no question that this was rape in the statutory sense. K was 14 and the teacher was 30. It is the psychological effects of this incident that are in question.
As I mentioned K came out when he was 14 and once one acknowledges their sexual orientation they’re more likely to explore it, right?
While in detention the teacher made sexual advances on K, and having acknowledged his sexuality K may have been more receptive to those advances in thinking this was normal. (This guy was an authority figure overseeing misbehaving kids)
The details K has provided me with of the multiple encounters with this guy don’t seem like that of a respectful relationship, which of course could have a detrimental effect on someone psychologically.
These encounters eventually stopped after K mentioned to the teacher that his mother was asking questions. The teacher disappeared never to be heard of again, but a few years later K saw this guy with his wife and kids in the mall. When K saw him, he ran away.
But why would K run away from someone he apparently liked unless he feared them to some extent, or was embarrassed to be around them?
In the subsequent months after our initially meeting, K and I have been seeing a lot of each other.
Over the past while he has made references to his past and his behaviour has become somewhat telling.
Over dinner one night he mentioned to me that he had been molested. When I offered a sympathetic ear and a “were you?”. He shook his head and laughed it off telling me “no, I wanted it.”
He also told me that I was like the rest of “them” and that I only wanted sex. Which is completely not true. After dating for 6 months we’ve only slept together 3 times. (personal information, but I thought it might be pertinent to the discussion)

During another day together we were walking down the street and he made a comment how he “gave it up too soon and too often” (He has slept around quite a bit. From what I’ve read, and been told, this is common in people who have been sexually abused). Not to mention he shops a lot (which has been proven to be therapeutic) and he has an insatiable appetite. (From articles I’ve read online they suggest this could be a form of comfort). And at one point he’d asked me why guys can’t take no for an answer.
When the topic of the teacher came up one night, I told K I was going to try and find him. K got quite upset and told me, in a stern voice, not to (he never gets angry with me. He’s always playful so it caught me off guard) Of course I did anyway and if the name K gave me is correct this guy is still working in a high school. Which disturbs me. After having watched in the news of the Penn State sex scandals I can’t help but think there are multiple victims and no one is saying anything.

As for K he doesn’t like bringing up his past too much and gets uncomfortable when I mention anything about his sexual experiences. Although he will talk about sexual experiences that are ‘humiliating’ but when I inquire about other past experiences he shuts down. Is he only mentioning these more ‘degrading’ experiences out of embarrassment? And why would he tell me about losing his virginity on the first night we met?
But this is where I’m confused. K has a fair amount of confidence. He’s not insecure and can be thoughtful of others. As for being depressed or resentful, he does have anger issues – mainly towards issues he sees as unjust.
Ultimately here is what I’m asking from the members of MS:
Do you think my bf has been sexually abused and if so , is there anything I can do to help him comes to terms with it if he has.? How do I proceed?
_________________________
"I wish I could show you when you are lonely or in darkness the astonishing light of your own being." ~ Hafiz

“At the centre of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want.” ~ Lao Tzu

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#421798 - 01/10/13 07:11 PM Re: Advice [Re: Elijah11]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 698
Loc: NJ
How old is K?

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#421872 - 01/11/13 07:01 PM Re: Advice [Re: Elijah11]
Elijah11 Offline


Registered: 09/20/12
Posts: 10
Loc: Western Canada
40
_________________________
"I wish I could show you when you are lonely or in darkness the astonishing light of your own being." ~ Hafiz

“At the centre of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want.” ~ Lao Tzu

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#421903 - 01/12/13 06:17 AM Re: Advice [Re: Elijah11]
JoziSA Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/05/12
Posts: 144
Loc: Johannesburg, South Africa
If K was 14 and the teacher was 30 it was sexual abuse. The teacher properly groomed him, if K wanted to experiment or not, the other party was an adult. If an adult has sex with a minor it is sexual abuse or rape.

I was abused by a teacher and am horrified to think how many boys he abused after me. This teacher is a danger to however steps into his classroom. mad

You can find my story
http://kilimalesurvivor.wordpress.com/reess-story/





Edited by JoziSA (01/12/13 06:22 AM)
_________________________
Rees (JoziSA)
My Story and Blog www.kilimalesurvivor.wordpress.com

South African MALE SURVIVORS of Sexual Abuse
www.samsosa.org
If your mind can perceive it and your heart can believe it, YOU can achieve it.

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#422004 - 01/13/13 04:43 PM Re: Advice [Re: Elijah11]
Elijah11 Offline


Registered: 09/20/12
Posts: 10
Loc: Western Canada
Hi JoziSA,

Thank you for your post.
Your timing was impeccable.

The message I originally posted was written 3 months ago and two months ago we broke up. We have been hanging out together recently and last night K and I got into a pretty big argument.
K told me to stop asking questions and bringing up his High School years because he isn't ready to deal with these issues. We talked a bit and he all, but 'admitted' to be being sexually abused. His reason for not wanting to deal with these issues is fear. He knows of people who have had to face their past and have turned into very angry people. He doesn't want that for himself as his life is decent as is. He also feels a lot of what happened was his fault.
He has made me promise never to bring it up again or do anything about this man. He's said that when and if he is ever ready he'll come to me.
As for being out to his family these incidence happened prior to him coming out.

Can you please advise on how I should proceed?
I would appreciate any advice you could offer.

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#422342 - 01/17/13 04:02 AM Re: Advice [Re: Elijah11]
Elijah11 Offline


Registered: 09/20/12
Posts: 10
Loc: Western Canada
Is encouraging, outing, or forcing someone to face these issues a negative thing?
_________________________
"I wish I could show you when you are lonely or in darkness the astonishing light of your own being." ~ Hafiz

“At the centre of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want.” ~ Lao Tzu

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