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#421726 - 01/10/13 01:08 AM How to survive on your own?
Observador Offline


Registered: 01/08/13
Posts: 16
Hello:

I am very confused, in pain and hopeless.
I am on this road on my own.
My husband does not know that I know that he was molested as a child.
I found out about it recently, while he was having a nightmare, and he spoke the words, out loud, that confirmed my suspicion.
I want to hug him, telling him that I love him and I don't think anything different about him. But I can't. I want to tell him that want to help him heal, but I am afraid that it will pull us further apart.
I don't know what to do. I am here to try to learn to deal with this situation and not go insane.
Please any advise would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you.

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#421736 - 01/10/13 02:31 AM Re: How to survive on your own? [Re: Observador]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 288
Loc: MO
I am a survivor

I don't know if I even belong here.

My advise is simple. Tell him the truth.

"You were having a nightmare, and I heard you say... So I think that means that you are a survivor of child sexual abuse. I love you, I am here to help you heal, is there any thing you want me to do?

Let him know what you know, and let him identify what role if any he wants you to play. If he doesn't want to deal with it, you can't make him.

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#421787 - 01/10/13 03:47 PM Re: How to survive on your own? [Re: genedebs]
Observador Offline


Registered: 01/08/13
Posts: 16
Hello Genes.

I am new here too. I am feeling a little out of place as well. But we are here for the right reasons, to learn, to understand, to heal, and that is a big step.

Well, I wanted to tell my husband, to assure him that he is worthy, and that's why I want to fight for him. And that the pain he causes me, is not really him, is his trauma and pain speaking. I don't expect him to open up to me. I just want to let him know that I will be there, if he decides to, with no judgments or hard expectations.
But I am unsure if that will help or make things worse.
We've been married for 10 years, but he is a total stranger to me. It is sad and overwhelming at times. His behavior is start to make me feel numb inside, because of his rejection and distance.

Thank you for your sincere response.

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#421796 - 01/10/13 07:07 PM Re: How to survive on your own? [Re: Observador]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 726
Loc: NJ
I agree with genedebs. Honesty is the best policy. He may feel relieved.

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#421831 - 01/11/13 02:22 AM Re: How to survive on your own? [Re: Observador]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
Originally Posted By: Observador
Well, I wanted to tell my husband, to assure him that he is worthy, and that's why I want to fight for him. And that the pain he causes me, is not really him, is his trauma and pain speaking. I don't expect him to open up to me. I just want to let him know that I will be there, if he decides to, with no judgments or hard expectations.
But I am unsure if that will help or make things worse.

Observador... I'm a survivor. This is one of the most helpful things you could say to a survivor. To make yourself available to listen on his terms and on his time... that is gold. My grandmother did that for me when I was 16. It took me more than a year to take her up on it, but for many months, just knowing she would listen if I chose to talk to her was enough. And when I finally did talk to her, and she responded without a hint of judgement... Damn. I'm tearing up a little just remember how good it felt to not be dismissed, rejected or judged...
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

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#421864 - 01/11/13 04:35 PM Re: How to survive on your own? [Re: Observador]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6602
Loc: FEMA Region 1
I still denied, denied, denied. Doctors, therapists, clergy and practically pictures were "ALL wrong," as far as I was concerned. I though the myths ruled, and I was not going to disclose for any reason.
_________________________
I'm "that guy."

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#422106 - 01/15/13 12:00 AM Re: How to survive on your own? [Re: Observador]
Observador Offline


Registered: 01/08/13
Posts: 16
Well, I told him. I tried to give him my support and love. He got, angry called me crazy. I now sleep in my room with my daughters, with the door locked. He got so angry that I don't want to take any risks. Since I don't seem to know him that well, after 10 years of marriage. My battle changed its course, for a while. My children deserve, at least, one parent to be well. So I am focusing on my own and on them, for now.
There is a time for everything, I believe. His time to heal hasn't arrived yet. And my time to try to heal him has passed.
I am still by his side. Waiting, I don't pray anymore, they don't seem to work. But I still believe (faith?)perhaps.
The possibility of leaving him is still on the table. I love him very much, love was never an issue. I've been through hell with him since we met.
But my children come first.
If to be well I need to be away from him, I can arrange.
And yes, I do feel defeated, empty, alone.
"The worse kind of loneliness is the one when you have somebody".
Sometimes the truth does set you free, just makes prisoner in your own reality.

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#422396 - 01/17/13 03:21 PM Re: How to survive on your own? [Re: Observador]
Observador Offline


Registered: 01/08/13
Posts: 16
One day after we had "The conversation" and him exploding in anger that scared me so much that I took my children in my room and locked the door afraid that he would want harm us and then himself. Yesterday he got hurt, and I took care of him, as I always do. And I asked him to sleep in our bed, because he was sleeping in the living room, so I could watch him as he sleeps to see if he would get a fever. We don't have insurance so he did not want to go to the ER.
I held him tight until he was sleep.
And today, before leaving for work, he gave a kiss.
I don't understand him.
But I am happy that he knows that I know about what happened to him. And that I am not going anywhere, as long as I can keep my sanity.
I don't know if he loves me, but I know he cares for me. So there is still hope. I feel very happy, today.

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#422397 - 01/17/13 03:24 PM Re: How to survive on your own? [Re: Observador]
Observador Offline


Registered: 01/08/13
Posts: 16
I just wanted to thank you for all who replied to my post.
Thank you so much.
I have no family around, or friends, my husband controls me a lot. So it helps me to be able to "speak" and let it all out with you guys.
Thank you very much.

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#422401 - 01/17/13 04:31 PM Re: How to survive on your own? [Re: Observador]
femalethriver Offline


Registered: 01/14/13
Posts: 14
Loc: Columbus, Ohio
I'm here if you need an ear and safe advice.

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