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#421521 - 01/08/13 02:31 PM Too complicated
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1402
Loc: California
My brothers,

I'm struggling with something which is tying me up in knots.

I dated a guy during august/september last year. We hit it off instantly. Connected on many levels, but didn't connect sexually; primarily because I was surprised I'd met someone so awesome that I could enjoy is time with. And also because he's not typically the kind of guy I'm physically attracted to.

Well, I made the mistake of getting physical with him too soon, and as a result, developed feelings of love for him (this is typical of CSA survivors).

He put the breaks on our dating. We didn't talk for a few weeks, and then started communicating and have hung out a few times since mid November. Each time we enjoy each other's company, but its been strictly platonic.

I've communicated to him in not so covert ways that he was attractive, handsome, and complimented many qualities of him. He has largely been unreciprocal. So I have taken the hint, and have decided to let go of my stronger feelings (how I do that, I don't know).

What I do know is that I would really love to be his friends. He has all of the qualities I admire in people I would want to befriend; he's hilarious, brilliant, charming, challenging, insightful, sensitive, honest.

I'm all tied in knots because I really want to be his friend, pursue a friendship, and I'm also acknowledging that I still have a part of me that wants something more from him. My therapist has encouraged me to embrace the feelings of want, and try to pursue a friendship with him.

I don't know how to do this. It's been fairly easy to hang out with him in spite of these complicated feelings, but when he's invited me to do something with him AND with another girl, I just about fell on my face. What does it mean when someone wants to include another person? I feel violated, confused, and don't know what the appropriate response is.

So I said I would have to pass, because my schedule is going to be tight (it will be). If the girl wasn't coming, I would try to swing it, just so I can get some time with him. But since the girl is coming, it adds another layer of complexity I don't know how to deal with emotionally. Not certain I can be entirely present as I try to process my feelings.

Hope all that made sense. It's a complicated emotional entangled thing. I'm astonished that he's willing to be friends, in spite of the feelings I have expressed for him. I'm equally astonished that *I* want to be friends, in spite of how complicated the feelings are for me.

All I know is - I would regret not trying to be friends with him, because meeting someone like him is an extremely rare event in my life. I need MORE people like him in my life, and to walk away from this friendship/relationship because its so complicated would be something I would probably regret for the rest of my life.

UUuuuuuuuuugh.

Does anyone have experience deciding to be friends with someone they also have deeper feelings for, but realize that their deeper feelings will not be reciprocrated? And if so, did you have any regrets pursuing a friendship with them? I know that hindsight is 20/20, so I'm looking for answers from anyone who has experienced this.

Help.
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#421527 - 01/08/13 03:28 PM Re: Too complicated [Re: Magellan]
Luftraumm Offline


Registered: 01/06/13
Posts: 17
Loc: Brasil
I'm sorry it all ended up so complicated magellan, in my experience i always ended up pursuing the feelings of love, ended up in a codependent and failed relationship.
I would say, friendship is almost immortal. It endures quite a bit of time away and stress, so i guess you could try to wait out the turbulence for now, and try to meet this guy on a more tranquil manner.
Try to stay calm, focus a little on yourself and see if you can go by this with a little less expectations.

I for one always put a lot of expectations on any kind of relationship.
and as for trying to de-sexualize a relationship, i never managed to do that...

hope this helps in some way...

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#421531 - 01/08/13 04:11 PM Re: Too complicated [Re: Magellan]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6401
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
fubar deletion


Edited by Still (01/08/13 06:20 PM)
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#421532 - 01/08/13 04:19 PM Re: Too complicated [Re: Magellan]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 285
Loc: MO
I have been in many relationships which have been with women ' friends' and no sexual activity.

I am currently in a relationship with a friend that was sexual for a couple of years and is no longer. She simply decided she no longer wanted sex. I cannot feel comfortable just hanging out with her. But I usually see her once a week, or three times a month. I also take care of the dog for her when she visits her daughter.

It is difficult for me, and trying to discuss intimate non-sexual relations is not very successful. So, it has to remain a limited friendship. It is easier for me when I am less depressed and feeling less vulnerable. However, I am still maintaining the relationship, by responding on her terms.

For example, I will bring her dinner, and stay the night , massage her arthritic arms and legs, but get no sensual response. I think if I did it would make it harder for me to honor her no sex expectations.

Figuring out how to pursue a sexual relationship at the same time is difficult, but masturbation while watching porn is always a temporary solution. It will not work in the long run, and whether I can maintain the friendship when I have another lover is yet to be seen.

So, this is my experience, it is workable for the present and although I obviously would prefer a different relationship, ut us the one I have.

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#421533 - 01/08/13 04:24 PM Re: Too complicated [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1402
Loc: California
Still, that's not whats going on, and not sure I understand the conclusions you drew.

Shorter version - we dated for a while. I initiated the sex too soon. I started feeling love for him. He stopped our dating. After a bit of time passed, we both decided to try and be friends with each other, even though I still have feelings for him. And now I see that we could potentially become really good friends, which is what I want to aim for. We have great conversations, get along very well, and talk about really personal stuff. All great qualities to have in a friend.

I'm struggling with wanting to be friends with him (he's an AWESOME guy), but have deeper feelings for him than he has for me. My therapist is recommending I embrace the feelings and allow some natural process for me to resolve these feelings so a friendship can blossom between us. I don't know how that works.

There was no abuse or manipulation. We've been in touch all the while, so this is not a sudden thing.

I'm confounded by his wanting to include a friend to go out and enjoy an evening. I suppose this is 'normal' for everyone else, but for me, its a struggle, complicated by the fact that I have a hearing loss which makes it difficult for me to hear in groups of people. I actually met this girl on our 1st date; it was accidental that we ran into her as we were walking around; she's a friend of his. And she's quite a nice girl, too.

_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#421535 - 01/08/13 04:27 PM Re: Too complicated [Re: Luftraumm]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1402
Loc: California
Thanks for your reply, Luftraumm. Yes, its complicated. And yes, friendship is almost immortal, it does endure a lot. Our friendship, if there is to be one, is still in its infancy, but I see incredible potential for a great friendship to emerge.

I just don't know how to work through and resolve my deeper feelings for him and not get hurt in the process. My therapist recommends I attempt this, and I don't know how this is done.



Originally Posted By: Luftraumm
I'm sorry it all ended up so complicated magellan, in my experience i always ended up pursuing the feelings of love, ended up in a codependent and failed relationship.
I would say, friendship is almost immortal. It endures quite a bit of time away and stress, so i guess you could try to wait out the turbulence for now, and try to meet this guy on a more tranquil manner.
Try to stay calm, focus a little on yourself and see if you can go by this with a little less expectations.

I for one always put a lot of expectations on any kind of relationship.
and as for trying to de-sexualize a relationship, i never managed to do that...

hope this helps in some way...
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

Top
#421537 - 01/08/13 04:29 PM Re: Too complicated [Re: genedebs]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1402
Loc: California
Thank you for your reply, genedebs,

Do you mind my asking; why have you chosen to remain friends with her? And is it satisfying to you?

With this person, we apparently really enjoy each other's company, in spite of how complicated my feelings are, and how confused I am. When we're together, the time just flies. And conversation is ridiculously easy, and fun. And we can talk about personal and intimate things. It's the basis for a great friendship. I just dunno how to work through my other feelings for him.


Originally Posted By: genedebs
I have been in many relationships which have been with women ' friends' and no sexual activity.

I am currently in a relationship with a friend that was sexual for a couple of years and is no longer. She simply decided she no longer wanted sex. I cannot feel comfortable just hanging out with her. But I usually see her once a week, or three times a month. I also take care of the dog for her when she visits her daughter.

It is difficult for me, and trying to discuss intimate non-sexual relations is not very successful. So, it has to remain a limited friendship. It is easier for me when I am less depressed and feeling less vulnerable. However, I am still maintaining the relationship, by responding on her terms.

For example, I will bring her dinner, and stay the night , massage her arthritic arms and legs, but get no sensual response. I think if I did it would make it harder for me to honor her no sex expectations.

Figuring out how to pursue a sexual relationship at the same time is difficult, but masturbation while watching porn is always a temporary solution. It will not work in the long run, and whether I can maintain the friendship when I have another lover is yet to be seen.

So, this is my experience, it is workable for the present and although I obviously would prefer a different relationship, ut us the one I have.

_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

Top
#421539 - 01/08/13 04:49 PM Re: Too complicated [Re: Magellan]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 285
Loc: MO
She is helpful, supportive, and we have many common values.

Sometimes we can do something really wonderful together, like a road trip to see the leaves turn. Or to a play. When we don't get too dee[ it is comfprtable and generally safe to be with her.

I can express my craziness and fears without chasing her away, but sometimes she will change the subject to herself when I am being too needy.

Yeah, it works and I have known her for more than 30 years,

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#421540 - 01/08/13 04:52 PM Re: Too complicated [Re: genedebs]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1402
Loc: California
Thank you for answering my questions;

You are very blessed to have her as a friend.



Originally Posted By: genedebs
She is helpful, supportive, and we have many common values.

Sometimes we can do something really wonderful together, like a road trip to see the leaves turn. Or to a play. When we don't get too dee[ it is comfprtable and generally safe to be with her.

I can express my craziness and fears without chasing her away, but sometimes she will change the subject to herself when I am being too needy.

Yeah, it works and I have known her for more than 30 years,
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

Top
#421541 - 01/08/13 04:52 PM Re: Too complicated [Re: Magellan]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6401
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Sorry for getting it wrong. I get easily confuzzled frown
_________________________
Wishing You Were Here!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

Top
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