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#421600 - 01/08/13 09:56 PM
Re: Advice?
[Re: Sacred_Sage]
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Member
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1142
Loc: California
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Take it niiiiiiiiice and sloooooooooooow. Follow your heart, trust your instincts, but go slooooooooow.
Thats the best advice I can give.
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.
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#421622 - 01/09/13 01:20 AM
Re: Advice?
[Re: Sacred_Sage]
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Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 2449
Loc: overseas
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...the lack of trust I have for individuals with my personal life and the fact that every time I go to open up to her... I close down and ignore her.
... but what in the world do I do about the lack of trust?!?!? trust has been a big challenge for me, too. it is not something you can just decide to do and turn it on like a light switch. it must be built or developed and allowed to grow. it must be based upon truth and honesty. it takes time and experiementation and patience. you have to take chances and risk being misunderstood, hurt, rejected or abandoned. BUT - there is also the awesome possibility of finding acceptance, understanding, love and commitment. it is a scary and vulnerable process. it is also a mutual activity - it must be reciprocal and interactive. it is progressive - greater risks lead to greater trust when the feared outcome does not happen and the hoped for one does occur. deception, secrets and lies can severely damage or destroy trust in an instant. i began by telling generalities of my story - summaries without much detail. as those small revelations were received well, i gained courage to tell more, and so on. at first i was fearful and certain that my ugly history would disqualify me and cause me to be seen as unacceptable and to be judged, rejected and abandoned. that did not happen so i gained courage for the next step. and as i trusted her more, my self-esteem improved, leading to more self-confidence - and more trust, etc. it is worth the risks and the fear and the agony. it is so liberating and morale-strengthening to know that there is someone you can trust. it takes determination. it is hardest at first. but if i could do it, you can do it! and like Magellan said, go slow. Lee
_________________________
They have greatly oppressed me from my youth, but they have not gained the victory over me.
Plowmen have plowed my back and made their furrows long.
But the Lord is righteous; he has cut me free from the cords of the wicked.
Psalm 129:2-4
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#421626 - 01/09/13 03:05 AM
Re: Advice?
[Re: traveler]
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Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
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trust has been a big challenge for me, too. it is not something you can just decide to do and turn it on like a light switch. it must be built or developed and allowed to grow. it must be based upon truth and honesty. it takes time and experiementation and patience. you have to take chances and risk being misunderstood, hurt, rejected or abandoned. BUT - there is also the awesome possibility of finding acceptance, understanding, love and commitment. it is a scary and vulnerable process. it is also a mutual activity - it must be reciprocal and interactive. it is progressive - greater risks lead to greater trust when the feared outcome does not happen and the hoped for one does occur. deception, secrets and lies can severely damage or destroy trust in an instant.
i began by telling generalities of my story - summaries without much detail. as those small revelations were received well, i gained courage to tell more, and so on. at first i was fearful and certain that my ugly history would disqualify me and cause me to be seen as unacceptable and to be judged, rejected and abandoned. that did not happen so i gained courage for the next step. and as i trusted her more, my self-esteem improved, leading to more self-confidence - and more trust, etc.
it is worth the risks and the fear and the agony. it is so liberating and morale-strengthening to know that there is someone you can trust.
it takes determination. it is hardest at first. but if i could do it, you can do it! and like Magellan said, go slow.
Lee ^^ What he said ^^ Excellent advice.
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say Is whose life is it anyway because livin' Living is the best revenge You can play -- Def Leppard My Story, Part 2My blog
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#421645 - 01/09/13 10:00 AM
Re: Advice?
[Re: Sacred_Sage]
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Registered: 08/08/12
Posts: 869
Loc: New England
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SMy friend had tried to get her to sleep with me I second all the above advice...but how in the hell would your friend get her to sleep with you??!? Is that how it works nowadays? I must be waaayyyyy out of practice!
_________________________
"And it's run for the roses as fast as you can Your fate is delivered, your moment's at hand It's the chance of a lifetime, in a lifetime of chance And it's high time you joined in the dance" -Dan Fogelberg
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#421654 - 01/09/13 01:47 PM
Re: Advice?
[Re: traveler]
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Member
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1142
Loc: California
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Shit. This is advice I should use in MY current situation. It feels so damn complicated, but the simple truth is - if she (or he) is a worthy friend to have, she will accept what I choose to tell them about my trust issues and internal confusions (which I am taking responsibility for). As traveler said, taking these risks is necessary for developing trust and relationships. If they accept, they're great people to have in our lives. Caveat - don't make the other feel responsible for your feelings - this is something I used to do, and it is abusive in a relationship. I am afraid of being honest and vulnerable in this way. I know that this person is attracted to strong people, and to express my vulnerability with him, I would be showing myself as weak and fragile. I want him to be attracted to my strong side. I don't know how to communicate this sensitive, fragility in me and hope to draw him closer in the process - he's not attracted to weakness. Sorry to hijack the thread. ...the lack of trust I have for individuals with my personal life and the fact that every time I go to open up to her... I close down and ignore her.
... but what in the world do I do about the lack of trust?!?!? trust has been a big challenge for me, too. it is not something you can just decide to do and turn it on like a light switch. it must be built or developed and allowed to grow. it must be based upon truth and honesty. it takes time and experiementation and patience. you have to take chances and risk being misunderstood, hurt, rejected or abandoned. BUT - there is also the awesome possibility of finding acceptance, understanding, love and commitment. it is a scary and vulnerable process. it is also a mutual activity - it must be reciprocal and interactive. it is progressive - greater risks lead to greater trust when the feared outcome does not happen and the hoped for one does occur. deception, secrets and lies can severely damage or destroy trust in an instant. i began by telling generalities of my story - summaries without much detail. as those small revelations were received well, i gained courage to tell more, and so on. at first i was fearful and certain that my ugly history would disqualify me and cause me to be seen as unacceptable and to be judged, rejected and abandoned. that did not happen so i gained courage for the next step. and as i trusted her more, my self-esteem improved, leading to more self-confidence - and more trust, etc. it is worth the risks and the fear and the agony. it is so liberating and morale-strengthening to know that there is someone you can trust. it takes determination. it is hardest at first. but if i could do it, you can do it! and like Magellan said, go slow. Lee
Edited by Magellan (01/09/13 01:58 PM)
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.
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#421659 - 01/09/13 04:27 PM
Re: Advice?
[Re: Sacred_Sage]
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Registered: 09/27/12
Posts: 17
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Hi I keep abusing my female friendships to the point I destroy them this is mostly on line. Any ideas how to stop it?
_________________________
you can't take my strength
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