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#421597 - 01/08/13 10:18 PM Advice?
Sacred_Sage Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/07
Posts: 141
So the impossible happened...

I found a girl I like through a mutual friend of mine. But, I also am much more aware of my limitations when it comes to CSA. Mainly the lack of trust I have for individuals with my personal life and the fact that every time I go to open up to her... I close down and ignore her.

She also has Domestic Violence which is semi-current (I liked her before I found about it). My friend had tried to get her to sleep with me but I promptly refused because I have damage on that part of my life that I really haven't focused on. I told her right off the bat that I was a Survivor of CSA and she accepted me without comment or criticism.

I got the DV issues figured out and we have that under control at the moment (because that was a condition on my part once I learned about it) but what in the world do I do about the lack of trust?!?!?
_________________________
http://youtu.be/HL297ZTYVRM <---- In case you ever wondered what I sound like.

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#421600 - 01/08/13 10:56 PM Re: Advice? [Re: Sacred_Sage]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1402
Loc: California
Take it niiiiiiiiice and sloooooooooooow. Follow your heart, trust your instincts, but go slooooooooow.

Thats the best advice I can give.
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#421622 - 01/09/13 02:20 AM Re: Advice? [Re: Sacred_Sage]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3377
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Originally Posted By: Sacred_Sage
...the lack of trust I have for individuals with my personal life and the fact that every time I go to open up to her... I close down and ignore her.

... but what in the world do I do about the lack of trust?!?!?


trust has been a big challenge for me, too. it is not something you can just decide to do and turn it on like a light switch. it must be built or developed and allowed to grow. it must be based upon truth and honesty. it takes time and experiementation and patience. you have to take chances and risk being misunderstood, hurt, rejected or abandoned. BUT - there is also the awesome possibility of finding acceptance, understanding, love and commitment. it is a scary and vulnerable process. it is also a mutual activity - it must be reciprocal and interactive. it is progressive - greater risks lead to greater trust when the feared outcome does not happen and the hoped for one does occur. deception, secrets and lies can severely damage or destroy trust in an instant.

i began by telling generalities of my story - summaries without much detail. as those small revelations were received well, i gained courage to tell more, and so on. at first i was fearful and certain that my ugly history would disqualify me and cause me to be seen as unacceptable and to be judged, rejected and abandoned. that did not happen so i gained courage for the next step. and as i trusted her more, my self-esteem improved, leading to more self-confidence - and more trust, etc.

it is worth the risks and the fear and the agony. it is so liberating and morale-strengthening to know that there is someone you can trust.

it takes determination. it is hardest at first. but if i could do it, you can do it! and like Magellan said, go slow.

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#421626 - 01/09/13 04:05 AM Re: Advice? [Re: traveler]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
Originally Posted By: traveler
trust has been a big challenge for me, too. it is not something you can just decide to do and turn it on like a light switch. it must be built or developed and allowed to grow. it must be based upon truth and honesty. it takes time and experiementation and patience. you have to take chances and risk being misunderstood, hurt, rejected or abandoned. BUT - there is also the awesome possibility of finding acceptance, understanding, love and commitment. it is a scary and vulnerable process. it is also a mutual activity - it must be reciprocal and interactive. it is progressive - greater risks lead to greater trust when the feared outcome does not happen and the hoped for one does occur. deception, secrets and lies can severely damage or destroy trust in an instant.

i began by telling generalities of my story - summaries without much detail. as those small revelations were received well, i gained courage to tell more, and so on. at first i was fearful and certain that my ugly history would disqualify me and cause me to be seen as unacceptable and to be judged, rejected and abandoned. that did not happen so i gained courage for the next step. and as i trusted her more, my self-esteem improved, leading to more self-confidence - and more trust, etc.

it is worth the risks and the fear and the agony. it is so liberating and morale-strengthening to know that there is someone you can trust.

it takes determination. it is hardest at first. but if i could do it, you can do it! and like Magellan said, go slow.

Lee


^^ What he said ^^

Excellent advice.
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

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#421645 - 01/09/13 11:00 AM Re: Advice? [Re: Sacred_Sage]
Jude Online   content


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1513
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: Sacred_Sage
SMy friend had tried to get her to sleep with me


I second all the above advice...but how in the hell would your friend get her to sleep with you??!? Is that how it works nowadays? I must be waaayyyyy out of practice!
_________________________
I went back to the doctor
To get another shrink.
I sit and tell him about my weekend,
But he never betrays what he thinks.
Can you see the real me, doctor?.
The Who

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#421654 - 01/09/13 02:47 PM Re: Advice? [Re: traveler]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1402
Loc: California
Shit.

This is advice I should use in MY current situation. It feels so damn complicated, but the simple truth is - if she (or he) is a worthy friend to have, she will accept what I choose to tell them about my trust issues and internal confusions (which I am taking responsibility for). As traveler said, taking these risks is necessary for developing trust and relationships. If they accept, they're great people to have in our lives.

Caveat - don't make the other feel responsible for your feelings - this is something I used to do, and it is abusive in a relationship.

I am afraid of being honest and vulnerable in this way. I know that this person is attracted to strong people, and to express my vulnerability with him, I would be showing myself as weak and fragile. I want him to be attracted to my strong side. I don't know how to communicate this sensitive, fragility in me and hope to draw him closer in the process - he's not attracted to weakness.

Sorry to hijack the thread.

Originally Posted By: traveler
Originally Posted By: Sacred_Sage
...the lack of trust I have for individuals with my personal life and the fact that every time I go to open up to her... I close down and ignore her.

... but what in the world do I do about the lack of trust?!?!?


trust has been a big challenge for me, too. it is not something you can just decide to do and turn it on like a light switch. it must be built or developed and allowed to grow. it must be based upon truth and honesty. it takes time and experiementation and patience. you have to take chances and risk being misunderstood, hurt, rejected or abandoned. BUT - there is also the awesome possibility of finding acceptance, understanding, love and commitment. it is a scary and vulnerable process. it is also a mutual activity - it must be reciprocal and interactive. it is progressive - greater risks lead to greater trust when the feared outcome does not happen and the hoped for one does occur. deception, secrets and lies can severely damage or destroy trust in an instant.

i began by telling generalities of my story - summaries without much detail. as those small revelations were received well, i gained courage to tell more, and so on. at first i was fearful and certain that my ugly history would disqualify me and cause me to be seen as unacceptable and to be judged, rejected and abandoned. that did not happen so i gained courage for the next step. and as i trusted her more, my self-esteem improved, leading to more self-confidence - and more trust, etc.

it is worth the risks and the fear and the agony. it is so liberating and morale-strengthening to know that there is someone you can trust.

it takes determination. it is hardest at first. but if i could do it, you can do it! and like Magellan said, go slow.

Lee


Edited by Magellan (01/09/13 02:58 PM)
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

Top
#421659 - 01/09/13 05:27 PM Re: Advice? [Re: Sacred_Sage]
LAV25 Offline


Registered: 09/27/12
Posts: 18
Hi I keep abusing my female friendships to the point I destroy them this is mostly on line. Any ideas how to stop it?
_________________________
you can't take my strength

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