So yesterday I was stupid enough to get involved in a debate about gun-control on another forum. I had every resolve to stay calm and make my points clearly, but all could think about was the barrel of my foster-father's 9mm pressed against my cheek-bone, and what he made me do...

I barely slept last night. I stayed up until long after midnight, and when I finally went to bed, I woke an hour later after a horrible nightmare. I was 16 again, only much smaller - like a six year old, or perhaps 8. No bigger than that. I was standing in front of my foster father - him with his gun and his pants down showing a huge erection. But my hands and feet were tied. I couldn't move, couldn't fight, couldn't do anything other than submit. It was one of those dreams where I wanted to vomit when I woke up. I still want to vomit, remembering it. And I can only see my T on Wednesday afternoon. I have to get through two whole days...

Sorry...

Hey Gecko

I wish I had words for you.

All I can say is I know how you feel
EDIT : I can't say I know how you feel - I haven't had a gun to my head. I don't know how 'THAT' feels. But I have felt trapped into submission etc. END EDIT
- I've had very similar dreams but without the gun. I wanted to vomit too.....and still do remembering it.

Hang in there man. You ARE a strong man. You have proven you are a survivor and this is just one more 'thing' you WILL overcome.

I'll be praying for you.

Lee

I'm up too.

I'm so sorry about this nightmare. I hope you get more peaceful nights than I do.

I'll check chat to c if you are there.

Hey Gecko,
we are here for you buddy. I'm sorry that you were felt triggered and that you've had such terrible nightmare.
Share more with us here if it would be helpful.
Maybe something that would distract your thoughts and emotions would be helpful. Something that will bring you peace back and feelings of safety and warmth.
Here is some nice page with great classic music for relaxation and calming down, I use it lately and it is very helpful:
/www.studynow.com/braintune/
Other than that I find also of great help breathing exercises, here is the link, maybe it would be helfpul:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...8275#Post378275
You are not alone buddy.

(((Grecko)))

Thanks guys.

I'm glad I have this place to come and vent. I really appreciate the support.

Pero - I know those breathing exercises. I've been using them, and they're helping me stay calm. I'll be ok. I know I will. I just have to get through today, that's all. Obviously the fact that I'm really tired and can't tell anyone at work isn't helping...

CG,

I'm really sorry that that happened to you. There are always setbacks and bad days / nights as part of life afterwards - but the gut-level fear and revulsion can just feel so much more urgent and immediate than day-to-day happiness and growth. We're all with you and I'm confident your T will help.

I think the memory of the gun would be especially tormenting now because you've already been through several horribly upsetting life-and-death issues in the last few years, are now reconstructing a stable life for yourself for the SECOND time, and the more time you have with your daughter the more you know how much she needs you. The more you build and love and work and claw your way towards a stable and lasting and mutually supportive family life, the more damage can be done by death and violence and the more unbearable such (remembered) threats will be.

Shit there are movies I can't watch and books I can't read anymore since I've had kids, and that's WITHOUT any REAL threat to anybody. Just the concepts are too much.

I'm sure you can work through this - I believe in you.

Matt

*

Thanks everyone

I feel better today. I was able to see my T yesterday - she had a cancellation and remembered that I had called earlier to see if I could see her. Then I had a good night's sleep. It helped a lot.

We talked about my dream and about how it is all about feeling threatened but powerless. That feeling of being trapped and scared and completely alone... but I'm not trapped or powerless any more, or alone. I cried so much yesterday, but I really feel better today.

Thank you, everyone, for standing by me

You know Gecko sometimes I wonder where would we be without such support. Before I couldn't imagine how difficult can be to hold feelings like: loneliness, isolation and helplessness.
Such feelings are emerging from my inside lately and because of therapy and some early mornings could be very anxious and difficult to sustain.

It sounds so good and positive to be aware that we are not trapped anymore!

Absolutely.

Since the end of last year when I reconnected with my younger self, I've been delving into those old emotions that I never allowed myself to feel. Loneliness, pain, fear, helplessness, hopelessness...

It's been incredibly painful at times, but at the same times it's been very healing. I'm purging. I'm learning that those feeling were there - they were real and deserved to be acknowledged. I am cleaning house - dragging those feelings out into the light and examining them. It turns out they belong to a different time and place. I don't have to feel anxiety any more - I am no longer in danger. Most importantly - I am no longer alone and helpless. I have a support structure - people who love me, a T, MS...

It's a bit like detox, really. I have to go through this hell to get rid of the poison that is preventing me from healing and living life to its fullest potential.