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#421542 - 01/08/13 05:04 PM Re: Too complicated [Re: Still]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1408
Loc: California
Don't worry about it, Still. thanks for taking the time smile

Originally Posted By: Still
Sorry for getting it wrong. I get easily confuzzled frown
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#421551 - 01/08/13 06:18 PM Re: Too complicated [Re: Magellan]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Originally Posted By: Magellan
My therapist is recommending I embrace the feelings and allow some natural process for me to resolve these feelings so a friendship can blossom between us. I don't know how that works.


Maybe ask your therapist. Because I haven't got a clue either. So don't think it is only you.

But be careful. A friend like you describe is a fantastic thing to have. I hope you figure it out without too much grief.

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#421561 - 01/08/13 07:48 PM Re: Too complicated [Re: Magellan]
DannyT Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 402
Hi Magellan,

A couple of thoughts:

1. Why not try it and see where it goes? My suggestion would be just ver as honest as possible about it and let him know that you're trying to adjust your signal strength (so to speak) so if there are any odd signals he's aware and can say something comfortably and so can you.

2. I don't see anything odd about him wanting to include other friends in your outings. A friend group can be a great thing and it would probably tone down your pair interacting, making it less intense. IN other words, the girl should ideally be decreasing the complexity. You could deliberately hold back and watch their interaction and let your feelings arise and dissipate through the course of the evening, participating enough to be present, deliberately letting the intensity drop.

3. I would guess your other feelings would get worked out by the changing dynamic as your relationship progresses, as long as the boundaries are clear. Again, having the third person could help with this. A trio has a less binary dynamic than a duo.


Danny

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#421563 - 01/08/13 07:56 PM Re: Too complicated [Re: Magellan]
Randy65 Offline


Registered: 04/14/12
Posts: 109
Loc: Jonesboro, Arkansas
Hi Magellan,
It seems that if it is truly the friendship that you would like to have with him, the girl should not matter. When past feelings are involved the water gets muddy. From my experience communication is key. If he is aware of your feelings of friendship and it went past that in the past, he may be asking the girl to come along to see how you handle it and to see if you really plan on keeping it on a friendship only level. I'm not sure if I would back away from the friendship because of lack of alone time with him. Just be yourself enjoy the time with them and you might gain a nice girl friendship also. The not knowing would be worse to me than taking this step.

I also want to commend you on the progress you have made my friend. Your posts seem to have a passion for life and you are so open to opinions and advice and give it back in such a great way. You are on such a great path of healing, and I'm really proud of you. Sure we have our bad days, but brother you are kicking it. Great stuff!
Stay Strong smile
Randy
_________________________
My Story of CSA
http://youtu.be/EJIlKCRL_6M

My Story of CSA: The Day God Entered My Heart
http://youtu.be/vpCWEp6u9zM

My Story of CSA: "Flashbacks" (Trigger Caution)
http://youtu.be/xLd5Fe-MxVM



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#421565 - 01/08/13 08:04 PM Re: Too complicated [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1408
Loc: California
Thank you for your encouragement and ideas and posting.

I feel stupid that I already said I can't make the get together; I have therapy up until an hour before the time they're going to meet and would have to race home then race over there to meet up with them. I'd be willing to do the racing around to meet with him, but since she's coming, not feeling it. Too much anxiety about how I will perform in a social setting like that; growing up with severe hearing loss really SUCKED.

I'm feeling pretty conflicted about my feelings as well, and part of me is hoping to talk with him about my confusion and internal conflict. I'm entirely confused if I should talk to him about it at all, or if he's already picking up on the signals or whatever. You may be right, maybe he's bringing someone else along to lessen the dynamic between the two of us. Part of my damage is constant teashing and psychological torture of others kids befriending another person and leaving me in the dust - read - severe abandonment issues. It doesn't help that I grew up with severe hearing loss, and hearing in situations where there was more than 1 other person talking was impossible.

So I have a lot of anxiety around adding a 3rd person for 2 reasons - abandonment issues due to trauma, and my severe hearing loss (which just in the last few months has been remedied).

I don't want to inflict him with any of this drama. he doesn't deserve it. Our friendship (if there is to be one) is still in its infancy.

So i'm feeling a lot of hurt and turmoil and loneliness and confusion and it fucking sucks. Part of me feels so completely damaged by my childhood experiences, that I wonder if I'm fooling myself thinking that it is even possible for me to have a healthy friendship with him at all, in spite of my strong desire to have one. UGH.


_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#421595 - 01/08/13 09:56 PM Re: Too complicated [Re: DannyT]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1408
Loc: California
Danny, this reply was really REALLY insightful. I feel dumb that I didn't think of this. And you're absolutely right. I wish I had the balls to follow through with going out with the three of us; I didn't see this as an opportunity to actually deepen the friendship. Instead I let my fear of abandonment and jealousy get the better of me. And anxiety about not hearing (and consequently being left out of conversation).

Dammit!

Originally Posted By: DannyT
Hi Magellan,

A couple of thoughts:

1. Why not try it and see where it goes? My suggestion would be just ver as honest as possible about it and let him know that you're trying to adjust your signal strength (so to speak) so if there are any odd signals he's aware and can say something comfortably and so can you.

2. I don't see anything odd about him wanting to include other friends in your outings. A friend group can be a great thing and it would probably tone down your pair interacting, making it less intense. IN other words, the girl should ideally be decreasing the complexity. You could deliberately hold back and watch their interaction and let your feelings arise and dissipate through the course of the evening, participating enough to be present, deliberately letting the intensity drop.

3. I would guess your other feelings would get worked out by the changing dynamic as your relationship progresses, as long as the boundaries are clear. Again, having the third person could help with this. A trio has a less binary dynamic than a duo.


Danny
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#421609 - 01/09/13 01:20 AM Re: Too complicated [Re: Magellan]
DannyT Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 402
Hi Magellan,

Glad it was helpful. Don't forget, you can always take a rain check and suggest another outing yourself.

Danny

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#421621 - 01/09/13 02:19 AM Re: Too complicated [Re: Magellan]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Hey Magellan --

Oh, you're gonna not like this much, but I'm going with DannyT on this one. Rain checks are okay!

One thing I'll add from my experience - you'll REALLY hate this one - why purposely put yourself in a situation with which you're uncomfortable? What's the payoff?

Point is, you have choices. Take it from me - been there - you don't have to be Joan of Arc. Though I'll admit I look good in armour.

Have you considered other activities with other people with whom you're absolutely comfortable, doing things you all enjoy...and without the baggage.

Just a thot.

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#421642 - 01/09/13 10:41 AM Re: Too complicated [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1408
Loc: California
Thanks Lancer,

Rain check (and suggested later get together) already offered. I feel dumb that I'm unable to function socially this way.

As for other people, I've been doing quite a lot of that. I don't have the great time I always have with this one guy I'm talking about. It's an extremely rare event in my life that I find someone I've met who I really really like going out with, where there is inspiration, charm, ... magic.

Most all the others people I've been hanging out with - it's mostly just 'bleh'.
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#421739 - 01/10/13 03:00 AM Re: Too complicated [Re: Magellan]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1557
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: Magellan
... but when he's invited me to do something with him AND with another girl, I just about fell on my face. What does it mean when someone wants to include another person?


I think it just means that he wants to include you in his circle of friends. And whats wrong with that? You might make some new friends through him. Could be an opportunity. What have you got to lose?

Jude
_________________________
Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine.
Sheryl Crow

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