Guys,

I've never posted anything like this before, but I could really use some help. Because of a lot of reasons, but especially because my EMDR T double-cancelled on me, I have no control of my emotions right now.

I just got out of a bathroom sobbing episode and my eyes are still wet and my jaw is clenched to keep it from quivering.

THe part of me that keeps my emotions bottled up trusted me and loosened up because of the EMDR... now there's no EMDR, just the emotions and I can't make it stop.

I don't know what I'm asking for here... but can someone please talk to me?

Cant

I'm not sure what EMDR stands for. Can you enlighten me on this topic? Maybe there are alternatives available.

Here you go ---> http://bit.ly/Si3Fsz

Cant

Cant what you’re feeling is so very normal, the pain of your experiences, the contradictory nature of your emotions, and then of course just the natural feeling of being lost in this mess that someone planted inside of you. You’re finally allowing yourself the ability to feel, feel for the first time what you couldn’t when it happened, you had to turn off, you had to survive, had to get through it and now you’re dealing with it, it’s not easy. I’m not sure but when I think about the sheer numbers of those who are abused how many just bury it, how many just do what their told and never even think about it, even to themselves? Your one of the brave ones, a truly courageous man, willing to go literally to the depths of your own soul to figure out exactly what was taken from you and how, no matter the pain.
I think you know a little of my story how I recently remembered, I don’t want to cry all the time but I am depressed all the time, not major, just sad as hell 24/7, but when I first remembered it was difficult to get through a day, I just wanted to find a hole and go crawl in and cry/die. What I can tell you is that a lot of the sadness is from lying to myself, lying about my relationship with my wife, lying to myself that I’m gay, just not being honest and accepting of who I am. I have no idea about EMDR I have read it can be truly hard, I also have no idea about any kind of therapy for abuse, I can’t help you there but it does get easier, you get used to these feelings that were repressed for so long, it’s so hard to integrate all these negative emotions into your current life, to accept them to realize there yours not someone else’s, maybe the actions of others were deplorable, but your minds action in repressing them was your way of surviving this shit, now its time to accept them as part of you, just as the abuse was, I know it was hard for me to accept my abuse ,there is still a part of me that doesn’t truly want to but its fading fast, you can do this, you “Can_Remember”. I think the feelings are our way of reliving the trauma over and over and over again, it’s like a defense mechanism so we’ll never forget again what happened, it’s like you feel betrayed by your own mind for forgetting what happened, you blame yourself for forgetting, how could you forget everything that happened, how?

Cee

I think it is build up for the chance of some relief by doing the Emdr
The excitement , fear of the unknown and the fact it takes courage to face this stuff. Let alone talking to someone about things you have believed for so long to be shameful secretive and even things you might have been brainwashed into believing these are things you should not talk about.

Now that this has been building up and you have been looking forward to finally dealing with these ongoing issues
being told you will have to wait even longer is freaking earth shattering .

Perfectly normal man

You feel let down in maybe some what relieved you do not have to do this but at the same time P $$ off because you can not do it
if that makes sense

= the perfect storm of emotions

Take a breath and give yourself some credit for facing the issues
This is not your fault this is simply life
Life is happening and you will get through this you are strong and couragous
It will happen
this to shall pass my freind

We got your back here
when you do go in maybe you will have learned something
That might help you in this process. I truly believe there is something good that can come of this . Even if it is learning how to cope in s situation out of your control. Their is an element you can control and that is how will you deal with this kind of thing in the future? It is great you did not wallow in your own madness allowing it to fester

Instead you reached out
my pastor always says that most people think that the word
love
Is the most powerful word when in fact it is the word
HELP
you are doing the right thing by reaching out

Thanks, Cee. Thanks, NLTS.

My previous therapist called me back not long after I posted above. I'm going into an emergency session with him in an hour.

I took a long shower and shaved. That seemed to calm me down. Now I feel numb, which is a huge improvement, but obviously not ideal.

Cant

Cant, I think "take a few deep breaths" is very good advice, another that works for me is to look around and name physical objects in my view. This helps pull me back and ground me.

I feel for you, a lot. I did some EMDR last year and I remember being overwhelmed by it. What am I saying, I still am overwhelmed by it.

Maybe imagine that a couple of us are there with you, just talking... it could be, but doesn't have to be, about your emdr and your new memories. Maybe we talk about other things, about what's going on in our lives, and let stuff come up as it does. I'm at a loss, this is all so difficult for all of us. I care about you.

When I did emdr I had to drive sixty miles each way. I left home at 6:00 am and had a good hour and a half on the freeway before I got to my T at 7:30 for an 8:00 appointment. My drive home was two hours - sometimes this was agony but more often the time alone, even driving, helped me as I mulled over my new memories (often reassuring myself that I was NOT making things up). Her office (emdr T) was near the beach and also near a wetland and so one day, when I felt completely fucked, I parked near the swampy place where a river met the harbor and I walked around. The air smelled rich with salt and with mulch. I saw tiny fish and frogs and also really cool plants. It was a trip because the area reminded me a bit of my dad, the man how abused me. Somehow I associate that salt air with cleansing.

I did not mean to go on about myself, Cant. I see it has been some time since I began typing in response to your request. I hope you are ok, no - I think you are fantastic. I know you are ok.

(I totally think your T is irresponsible to cancel on you, but this is another issue)

Geoff

Thanks, Geoff.

I'm off to see my T now (the one that referred me to the EMDR T that cancelled on me). I feel a little better now.

<forced smile>

Cant

Yeah....it took me about 30 years to not see the "Breathe through it" thing as anything other than trite, but I do need it and i try to remember to use.

Can't. Such jaw clenching sessions; are they possibly emotional flashbacks? If so, I can't wait for you to get EMDR fully under-way. I pray that you do ASAP...if she'll just get over the flu or whatever.

OK... So.

I had an emergency session with T#1, cried my eyes out. Got someone to witness what was happening.

After my session, I finally heard from T#2 (the sick one). I told her I wasn't ready to reschedule because of trust issues. She said she would call me back on Monday. I called T#1 to keep him informed and hope to have another session with him this week if he has a cancellation.

Then, I ate a pot brownie and went to go see Django Unchained, and it was good.

Now, I feel better. Like I"m emotionally reset, not boiling over.

Thanks for being there, guys.

Cant