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#421234 - 01/06/13 09:21 AM Appropriate Dinner Conversation
A270465 Offline


Registered: 01/04/13
Posts: 49
Loc: SE Mich
I should say 'Lack of' appropriate dinner conversation.
I feel alone bc my whole life experiences are not something I can discuss "normally" with others. The thoughts I think, struggles I have, places I have been and the things I have seen are all 'inappropriate' to discuss at the dinner table or with family on the holidays or to tuck the kids in with.
Having been forced to drink from the trough of experience so early has skewed my childhood memories. Can only recall the bad stuff.. Hell it has all been bad over 30 years with a FEW elect, select hours, or days maybe as exceptions- most of which get ran over by the intrusive freight train of bad.
Even my career choices have put me right back on the edge of living (on purpose I guess). Leading edge iron work and carpentry place me up high enough where I must survive, but it helps me not think of all the rest... Just the triage of what needs done first.. like dont fall.
I never got to learn right / wrong. Just should / should not.

So do I talk to my family on Easter about rape? About prison? At the dinner table? Crime? Violence? Self hatred? Anger? Traumas? Riots?
Well, thats all I got.
So I remain Isolated and Silent.
Wishing my life were better and that it had provided me with some appropriate dinner conversation or a reason to thank some god for my life and experiences.
_________________________
BrokenLeg@2 EarCutoff@5 RanOver@7 UnanethesizedSurgeries@8 rapedfrom10to11 Dysfunction&Druguse@12 Crime@13 Dotdotdot Violence Jail@18Escaped Prison@19GladiatorSchool Max@20 Supermax@21 HellEnsues THROWNbacktothestreets@26 MarriedWKids@28 HeardofCptsd@33
Seeking help
And the days tick by all the same

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#421235 - 01/06/13 09:37 AM Re: Appropriate Dinner Conversation [Re: A270465]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Hello A, it is good that you are here, seeking help in this confusion. This is the right and proper place to bring up these issues until such time as you may be able to talk to your local support about these atrocities.

Till then, post! Every inclination, memory, feelings of unfairness and betrayal, post, post, post. We are as "sick as our secrets", fellow survivor.

I am thankful you found us.
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#421243 - 01/06/13 10:34 AM Re: Appropriate Dinner Conversation [Re: A270465]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1045
Welcome to MS.

There is nothing inappropriate to discuss here. Consider us the dinner party guests you've always wanted.

I'm very curious about learning more about your experience-rich life, even if many of those experiences are painful to recall.

We're a brotherhood here. We've all be raped. You can talk to us here about what you need to.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#421344 - 01/07/13 01:28 AM * [Re: A270465]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 01:55 PM)

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#421361 - 01/07/13 06:27 AM Re: Appropriate Dinner Conversation [Re: A270465]
A270465 Offline


Registered: 01/04/13
Posts: 49
Loc: SE Mich
Thanx all for your words. I am still battling whether or not discussion helps me or not. Usually just stirs up memories or makes me spiral...
_________________________
BrokenLeg@2 EarCutoff@5 RanOver@7 UnanethesizedSurgeries@8 rapedfrom10to11 Dysfunction&Druguse@12 Crime@13 Dotdotdot Violence Jail@18Escaped Prison@19GladiatorSchool Max@20 Supermax@21 HellEnsues THROWNbacktothestreets@26 MarriedWKids@28 HeardofCptsd@33
Seeking help
And the days tick by all the same

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#421365 - 01/07/13 07:56 AM Re: Appropriate Dinner Conversation [Re: A270465]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Recovery is going to cause a great many feelings, some chaotic, some nauseous, some bitter and some mean to come up. "Sick as our secrets" is a real thing fellow survivor. Until those memories come up and we reason on them, they will react strongly to triggers and will cause all sorts of discomfort.

Still, this is important, when you are ready. Recovery is a many faceted thing, we simply do not know what it will bring up for us, so the important code here is to have a process that calms you and that you are confident in that will help you work through the trauma in your past.

When you are ready. Until then, keep reading, posting, sharing and chatting, you are our fellow survivor, welcome.

Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#421402 - 01/07/13 04:06 PM Re: Appropriate Dinner Conversation [Re: A270465]
A270465 Offline


Registered: 01/04/13
Posts: 49
Loc: SE Mich
I can walk through the store or drive down the street and feel like I am the only one there.. Going un noticed (also dont care if ppl DO notice me) Just feels like I am the only person out there who has this absolutely different mindset and view.
Walking walls leading edge keeps me sane, but isnt that just distraction from what I sposed to be "working on"? And what the hell is that anyway... this 'work'? Learned everything I know the hard way.
If no one can relate fully, who do I talk to?
Isolation in the crossbar hilton is sometimes a safer place for me....
_________________________
BrokenLeg@2 EarCutoff@5 RanOver@7 UnanethesizedSurgeries@8 rapedfrom10to11 Dysfunction&Druguse@12 Crime@13 Dotdotdot Violence Jail@18Escaped Prison@19GladiatorSchool Max@20 Supermax@21 HellEnsues THROWNbacktothestreets@26 MarriedWKids@28 HeardofCptsd@33
Seeking help
And the days tick by all the same

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#421404 - 01/07/13 04:52 PM Re: Appropriate Dinner Conversation [Re: A270465]
LazyPirate Offline


Registered: 01/03/13
Posts: 106
Loc: Ontario
I have never been able to talk to anyone face to face about the pain in my life. Even when I was in therapy we never really did get heavy into the gory details... Just sort of skimmed over them. When alone with most people, I find I have nothing to say. When I'm in a crowded room I feel like I'm from another planet & just don't belong.

But in the few days since joining this community I find I have a sense of peace after spending time on here, reading, posting, etc. All the medication, coffee & cigarettes in the world can only do so much for me... But being here seems to give me something else.

So glad you are here too.
_________________________
The Bluebird of Happiness long absent from his life, Ned is visited by the Chicken of Depression. - Gary Larson

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#421411 - 01/07/13 06:07 PM Re: Appropriate Dinner Conversation [Re: A270465]
A270465 Offline


Registered: 01/04/13
Posts: 49
Loc: SE Mich
thx pirate.
all the alcohol, rx and coffee I can consume still dont make me feel real or somethin... thx for the input.

Never had a sense of peace
_________________________
BrokenLeg@2 EarCutoff@5 RanOver@7 UnanethesizedSurgeries@8 rapedfrom10to11 Dysfunction&Druguse@12 Crime@13 Dotdotdot Violence Jail@18Escaped Prison@19GladiatorSchool Max@20 Supermax@21 HellEnsues THROWNbacktothestreets@26 MarriedWKids@28 HeardofCptsd@33
Seeking help
And the days tick by all the same

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#421474 - 01/08/13 06:54 AM Re: Appropriate Dinner Conversation [Re: A270465]
A270465 Offline


Registered: 01/04/13
Posts: 49
Loc: SE Mich
Sam.. I wish i had a process that calmed me as you say.
There is a sense of hopelessness deep in my foxhole that tells me there is no calm, only breaks between crises. Its like I eagerly await the next one cause its gonna happen, it always has b4.
Im not a defeatist, just a realist.

What is brotherhood? May sound sarcastic, but I only know how to walk alone. Unfamiliar with anything else.

Sure feels like I am a drag 2 talk to!
_________________________
BrokenLeg@2 EarCutoff@5 RanOver@7 UnanethesizedSurgeries@8 rapedfrom10to11 Dysfunction&Druguse@12 Crime@13 Dotdotdot Violence Jail@18Escaped Prison@19GladiatorSchool Max@20 Supermax@21 HellEnsues THROWNbacktothestreets@26 MarriedWKids@28 HeardofCptsd@33
Seeking help
And the days tick by all the same

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