Hi guys, i`m not sure how to go about all of this, but let me start off saying that this place makes me feel weird, good, but weird.
Getting to read stories of people who have gone through the same struggles that i have, seen faces of life that, although family and friends try to understand, they never do.
Getting to know i'm not alone, and that my pain is not isolated.

That is all so scary!
so, real.

Well, this is my first actual post, i'm writing from a kindly balanced tranquility, edging into some kind of trigger, looking over to some kind of fleeting peace.
My struggle over the years has come to a weird plateau-ish situation.
there is always this sense of crawling on a razor`s edge.
between pain, addiction, dependance and self security happiness and love.

I would love to go deeper into my own story, but what i actually want to do now, is ask you all, how did you work out your own story, in the sense, how have you told youselves your own tale?
and...

Did any of you find yourselves always looking for symbols?
because somehow i got used to always grabing onto stories, books, characters, carrying these symbols everywhere i went, trying to look into fiction for role models and some kind of certainty.

Well, i introduced myself in the introduction tread, but anyhow..
I`m Lu, for short, victim of CSA for many years, i`m 23, i live in Brasil.
glad to meet my brethren in chaos.

Hi Lu

Welcome to M S For myself I have found my own role model as Orestes, as depicted in the play Flies by Satre. Ostracized, facing the sun, leaving behind the traditional standards and punishments.

As My T says I am telling the story of Gene, not the life of gene. There were many experiences of trauma and abuse. I knew them chronologically, I am learning to be in touch with the emotional reactions to the events. Hope to get to know you.

Hey gene, Orestes is a strong character!
I tend to fluctuate a lot but most of the time i see Odysseus as my role model, ans i usually identify with the hole journey home kind of thing.

Yeah i guess i`m also in a part of the cicle where i`m more telling my story like its somebody else`s...

Welcome to the club, Luftraumm,

It is a weird kindred spirit we share with each other. It's unfortunate we need to be here, and I'm glad you found us.

Little did I know that the online monicker I used in chat rooms 20+ years ago would become a symbol for what I've had to do as I've gotten older. Magellan, after Ferdinand Magellan, the 1st person to circumnavigate the globe.

I took on the monicker Magellan, as teenage spunk idea that I was an explorer of the human soul. I had no idea how true that statement would become.

Indeed, I have had to become the explorer of the human soul simply to understand myself, understand others, and understand what life means to me. It's taken me a long time, and I'm no where near being finished.

Glad you're here. Keep posting, and read a ton, too. You'll learn a lot about yourself in the process. It will be hellish at times, but in the end, if you persist and keep at it, you're guaranteed new levels of awareness you would be surprised by.

D

Hi Luf!

I lived in Brazil last year! this country was the start of my ... healing journey to put it in therapist words.

I haven't posted my story yet. Sometimes i want to do it and i tell myself "it's just writting a stupid sheet of the things i already know" but for some reason it feels like the most scary and hard task ever..

My rolemodel is a comicbook character. Yeh, i know. I have better ones in the back but the special thing with this character is that he became my role model very early in my abuse. He happens to be from my city so that added to it. When I grew older I discovered better role models but this character stayed "my symbol" as you said. Lol. kinda embarrasing.

welcome. friend here.

hey, Lu - you certainly have a gift with words and images! this is specially vivid - and i'm sure many of us can relate to the feeling of precarious and vulnerable equilibrium you describe:



and - yes - i believe that writing has helped me progress very effectively. my T told me that thinking about something, writing about it, reading it silently, and saying it out loud all use different parts of the brain. and that all a helpful. so - think it through, write it, read it, and tell it aloud. it does help.



i pretend i am telling someone that does not know me everything that he needs to know to understand my story. it sometimes helps to have an imaginary or real audience in mind.

at the beginning of our work together, my T had me write my life - everything i remembered of the earliest years. then i read it to him. it was amazing the memories i recovered or discovered greater details and depth. and the connections and cause-effect relationships and the reasons for certain events - and the later effects upon my thinking, feeling, actions and attitudes. after a certain point, i wrote only about the abuse events or other things that i thought were important.

when i write for the forums, it is different - writing for a band of brothers that understand because of shared experiences.



yes - lots of fictional characters i identify with: Oliver Twist, Huck Finn, Holden Caulfield, the protagonists in "The Last Western and "The Sparrow" and others.

also - visual images are powerful for me - especially my favorite artist - Caravaggio. my avatar used to be a closeup of the face of Isaac being sacrificed by Abraham. Now it is David with the head of Goliath. obvious symbolism - 1st victim, then triumph over the bully/perpetrator.

sounds like you have good instincts - now put them to work. it is well worth the effort. and the membership here is extremely accepting and affirming.

ready when you are,
Lee

I too feel like a lone soldier walking the fine line of sanity with thousand foot cliffs on either side, just keeping my head above the clouds where storms lie beneath.

War is all i have ever known be it in my head or in a riot.

sympathize

Matt just posted about vindication- community and connection are a huge part of healing and owning our stories.

I was fortunate to have to deal with addiction to getting drunk and later to acting out sexually before I dealt with my abuse. THis gave me some traction in life with sharing, Honesty, support groups. A recovery program. truth telling and self awareness. (I already m is the denial bit pretty well . )

These forums helped
Journaling helped
Meditation helped
Men's groups helped
Reading recovery literature helped (see my signature block)

Asking helped

Taking one more forward step helped

Abstaining from destructive behavior and addiction is a HUGE help.

Its hard to process all of this understanding at once!
i think i never felt so... comprehended.

I guess i`ll try to write my story, it feels hard, and scary.
is it better i do it in the proper thread?

Thank you all.
From the bottom of my heart.
I`m already feeling a little different, more..."normal"

I wish i can hear all of your stories, and get to know how you deal with everything, i`m glad to be amongst all of you.

i never thought about Caravaggio like that!
wow thanks Lee, those images will stay with me.

I guess we try to find in characters some degree of truth, or logic, or sense.
something that feels more stable than our own stories, i guess having gone through CSA takes away your ballance, and your sense of self. Like your being becomes like mist, or some volatile component, and these stories and characters become, stable stones to stand on...

My stories always have to do with family, with a paternal image.
I often feel orphaned. So i look for a Father, a male figure that has everything the male figures in my life failed to show me.

Hey Luftraumm

Like everyone else has said 'welcome to the club' . Though I'm sure we all wish we didn't have to be here.

Just wanted to let you know that there is no rush to tell your story.

I have been here since August and still haven't told my whole story. I have gradually revealed different parts of my story as I have come to understand what actually happened. If I wrote my story when I first came here it would have been incomplete. Since coming here I have remembered different things and talking to other guys here I have realised that some things I thought we ok were actually CSA and some things I thought were CSA actually were not.

This place is great for being able to talk about what happened to us and to work out what we think about it.

It is different for everyone but please take your time.

Lee

i feel that void of a good and true father figure, too.
real father died when i was almost 3.
step-father & 1st abuser entered my life when i was almost 6.
at that point, i lost my mom, too because if she showed me affection or took my side, it caused anger and conflict and worse punishment from him.
so - i identify with the orphan characters or abandoned/neglected characters, too.
difference is - i consciously avoid the substitute father figues while craving that - and unfortunately have been attracted subconsciously to inappropriate pseudo-father figures without realizing it - to my own hurt and regret.

lots to consider. take your time - you will figure it out. it's almost like we discover things that we then recognize and feel like they are both new - and that we knew them all along but weren't aware of it...

Lee

Seems like the feeling of being sepparated from your family because of trauma is very common...

I can relate a lot to your relatioship with your mother, in a mixed up way, we try to protect our family, and somehow we end up feeling responsible.

In my case i was repeatedly abused by my father, from 9 to 14, and all of it mixed with emotional abuse in "normal" days. But my family kept going in a haze of lies, for 7 years, it`s been a little more than a year i disclosed all of it to them, since then my father got out of the house.

I`m still getting to understand i`m "safe" now, and trying, with family therapy and my own therapy, to actualy have a family.

The substitute father figures have faded in and out of my life, most of the time it was healthy.

But i always identify them, and always look for the image of the Alpha male.
I struggle quite a bit with wanting to be that and failing miserably.

in most of my relationships i ended up entering some sort of codependancy where i play the role of the father, primary care giver, i`m subconciously always trying to be a father/alpha male.
Most of the time i can`t cope with this kind of pressure...

whew...sorry i went on a rant there...

don't be sorry - that's what helps - putting it into words, making sense of an absurd situation, having someone else "get it."

you are doing it right - and well!

Hey Lu

I 'get it'.

I was not physically or sexually abused by my dad - but every other kind - emotional, mental, verbal....

I was sexually abused by both my older brothers who I looked up to as role models. Unfortunately it became a pattern of looking for Alpha males and then being abused by them.

I 'need' to be the alpha male. And I can't cope when I don't make it.

I commend you on trying to 'actually have a family' - I know how hard that is.

I agree with the other Lee - putting it into words really helps (you and us).

Rant away Brother!!! We are listening.

Lee

Father figures... oh boy.

I've never had a healthy father figure in my life. My father and foster father were my abusers. Other father figures came and went at times. Other "father figures" drifter through my life at times, but they never really cared, and usually left me feeling hurt, disappointed or abandoned. Or all three. My wife's father hated me and never hesitated to show it.

My girlfriend's father shows a tendency to be "fatherly" towards me, but I think I've lost the ability to be a son. One can't learn to be a son at 40. It's too late. He scares me. Not because he's ever said or done anything threatening - just because I don't know how to act around him...

Role model? Peter Pan of course. He wanted to stay a little boy forever and always have fun. He lived in a place without adults, and he could fly away from danger. He was brave. He fought pirates and indians. And NOBODY would dare to molest him.

Hy,
You asked "how have you told youselves your own tale?"

I've used music my whole life. Chamber music in particular. The anonymity of solo piano music is the gold standard for musicians . useful for telling one's own story and employing sensitivities.

Luftraumm --

Welcome to MS. Glad you were able to find us. Yeah, it feels overwhelming at first. But you can take your time. You don't have to read all the posts at once! Take a break from it.

Get to know the threads and only post when/where you're comfortable. Post only as much as you're comfortable posting. You'll get to know us. We'll get to know you.

Sometimes what I'll do is some writing in my journal, get my thoughts organized and use that material to post here. Sometimes I'll do it the other way around. But writing is terrific for a lot of us.

Sejam muito bem-vindos!

I hate people who try to act that way toward me, even though I know they mean no harm. I don't really know why.