I have been wanting to post for awhile, but not sure what to saw...

I haven't been sleeping for almost a week...I don't feel like myself lately, in a trance.

Days have passed and I barely remember, not sure what I've been doing. I am so absorbed in it all, and last night I watched the movie Mysterious Skin until almost 5am, then tried to sleep for a bit, woke up and watched again. It feels like that some days.

I try to get one goodnight sleep, go to bed at 11 and hope that a normal morning wake up will put me back on track, but I suddenly become wide awake at night.

Much of what happened, I don't remember, fragments of memories, but other that what happened at 12, I don't remember anything actually...just know that something wasn't right. I am not certain even who. There are years of my childhood that are a complete blackout, nothing, as if I skipped time. It's all been very confusing lately, and I'm just trying to process it all and move on. It is has really affected my life over the past several years, and I'm still trying to get back on my feet from it. *sigh*

The best way I know how to move through (move on) something is to start writing about it, sharing it with others, be honest about my thoughts and feelings.

Healing doesn't happen in isolation; it happens in the company of other people who are on the same path as you. MS is an excellent support system, even when you don't feel like anything you contribute is worthy. I've felt like that often, but time and time again, I see that it is exactly what I need to do. Share humbly and honestly whatever is in my heart and mind, no matter how ugly I think it is.

D

Gottymeguy,

What you describe is exactly how I was in the near-final stage of my nervous breakdown in October. I'd go 2-3 nights without sleeping, then the next night I'd get maybe 2 hours, then another 2-3 of nothing. Was never tired, wide awake, got more awake at night. Late night movies becoming all night movies - check! Around that time I lost my senses of both hunger and taste - didn't want to eat and it was all just clumpy paper when I forced it, when I ate because my watch said I should - before I started forgetting. There was then either 1 or 2 days with no food at all, I just couldn't be bothered, just didn't care. Never tired or hungry.

Final stage was finding myself in places where I didn't know where I was or how I got there, eventually pieced together it was a storage room in my office building, crying.

Call a psychiatrist immediately. Not a therapist - a psychiatrist. Get something for the anxiety; if you're already on something, it isn't working so change it. Sleeping with pills does not feel good, in fact it felt damaged and humiliating, but without sleep you will NOT recover. Took me 2 months to regain the ability to sleep like a normal man and I have never valued it more.

I repeat: get help immediately, pharmaco-medical help, so you can sleep. Do it as soon as it's light out again.


Matt

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Thank you all for the advice! I suddenly slept most of yesterday afternoon out of the blue. I skipped the morning coffee and was groggy all day. Although I had a terrible headache last night, I was able to fall asleep at about 11:30-midnight and slept to 9am. Woke up feeling great, and in an oddly optimistic and productive mood. Hopefully I will be back on a normal schedule now.

D - I am hoping to start writing more here, I read a lot, but haven't responded much (except privately to a few folks) and hope to post more of my own stuff.

Matt - I am not on any medication at all, but I think I could probably use something for my anxiety...it gets the best of me. And probably something for my mood too.

Gary - I often come here when I can't sleep, but tend to read instead of what would be more likely to help---trying the chat room and actually "talking"