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#421182 - 01/05/13 10:51 PM I've been lying to myself
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1402
Loc: California
My brothers,

I'm coming to terms with a lie I've been telling myself a long time - that I'm unlovable because I've never had any real relationships.

I've been challenged to take another look at this statement, and have to conclude that I've been lying to myself, to my detriment. I wish I understood WHY I've been lying to myself; what purpose does it serve to make myself feel so shitty about myself and about life (and other people?).

The truth is, I can count half a dozen people who had given all they had to give to me within the definition of a friendship / relationship. Some of these friendships were very intense, very intimate, and consisted of some sexual behaviors as well.

I can count another half dozen relationships with friends who were determined to be my friend, and showed it in spades.

I have discounted all these relationships, because they didn't fit the definition of what I wanted - a bonafide romance, where I fall in love and the other falls in love with me. Because I've never had *that*, I discounted everything else that I have had.

The truth is, what person on this planet has the kind of relationship they EXPECT to have with someone?

My therapist helped me to see that in fact, I have been VERY LUCKY to have met as many quality people as I have met, and it is only because *I* am a person of authenticity and high quality, that I met these people.

I am humbled, and somewhat embarrassed. And I'm writing it out here to tell on myself, expose the lie, so I don't do this to myself anymore. I deserve better. I deserve to bask in the truth.

I have been loved many times, and I will be loved again.

D
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#421184 - 01/05/13 10:59 PM Re: I've been lying to myself [Re: Magellan]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1513
Loc: New England
YYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!
_________________________
I went back to the doctor
To get another shrink.
I sit and tell him about my weekend,
But he never betrays what he thinks.
Can you see the real me, doctor?.
The Who

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#421189 - 01/05/13 11:17 PM * [Re: Magellan]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 01:51 PM)

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#421195 - 01/06/13 12:02 AM Re: I've been lying to myself [Re: Magellan]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3373
Loc: somewhere in Africa
D - this is a HUGE step! good for you! hold on to that and never let go!!!

Originally Posted By: Magellan
I'm coming to terms with a lie I've been telling myself a long time - that I'm unlovable because I've never had any real relationships.
....
My therapist helped me to see that in fact, I have been VERY LUCKY to have met as many quality people as I have met, and it is only because *I* am a person of authenticity and high quality, that I met these people.
...
And I'm writing it out here to tell on myself, expose the lie, so I don't do this to myself anymore.


can you identify and describe how you reached this conclusion? i have seen many others trying to tell you this, convince you of this, reason and argue you into believing this - and it all rolled right off. somehow it doesn't make sense or seem true until you discover this for yourself. i know i've had similar experiences. if you can tell us how you reached this point, it might help you and others to get it more easily next time.

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#421197 - 01/06/13 12:19 AM Re: I've been lying to myself [Re: Magellan]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
you can't always get what you want

but if you try sometimes you just might find

you get what you need

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#421247 - 01/06/13 11:18 AM Re: I've been lying to myself [Re: Magellan]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
Yes! I'm soooooo happy you've come to this realization!
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

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#421260 - 01/06/13 01:49 PM Re: I've been lying to myself [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1402
Loc: California
Thanks for your affirming answers, guys.

While it is humbling to acknowledge this, I still have to live with the day to day depression of being lonely all the time. If and when I meet another person who I instantly click with and want to spend a lot of time with ... until then ... I'm EXTREMELY LONELY. And no amount of socializing and coffee / dinner dates with program acquaintences and friends is alleviating this loneliness.

I don't feel lonely when I've got a comrade that I can spend a lot of time with and laugh with and pal around with. Those are the relationships I've had in the past that were fullfilling.

D
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#421269 - 01/06/13 03:37 PM Re: I've been lying to myself [Re: Magellan]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
When I'm busy thoughts like loneliness get pushed aside. Thoughts of CSA get pushed aside. Working on something meaningful is important. Working towards a goal. Something where you have to be creative and use you brain helps me.

I'm not saying that you should abandone the goal of love. Just that when you have only one thing in your life and that goes badly then you've got nothing else to bridge you over that hard period. The better in balanced your life is the less critical any one piece is.

I took it too far the other way. I excluded personal relationships. Most of my time revolved around work. Daily exercise (usually a good thing) ate up what time I had after work. Stress, back pains, and sleep issues left me with little energy or desire to socialize. So then I took a big hit at work and I didn't have enough in the rest of my life to keep me stable.

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#421286 - 01/06/13 06:26 PM * [Re: Magellan]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 01:53 PM)

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#421374 - 01/07/13 09:14 AM Re: I've been lying to myself [Re: Magellan]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6401
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Some of us neglect to remember that the written word is an amazing pipeline to the author's heart and soul. Think about one of your favorite authors through life. Samuel Clemons for example; If you've read his books and seemingly endless daily articles for a period of his life, you know how this guy thought, felt, valued, loved, dreaded and mourned.

If you knew him in person, and never read a word of his work, you'd think him a witty man, a bit too eccentric for Hartford CT life, and a cigar addict. You could certainly learn plenty in person, but with very few exceptions do we ever have such awesome and dramatic access to the innards of a man's soul as when we read his expression. Magellan and all; You/we express things here that allow others to truly get to know each other's heart and soul.

I don't know if you guys have noticed, but the topics and expressions around here can be a bit...oh...heavy? We type-out words that lay our hearts open for the world to see, read and feel. It seems we hold nothing back (though probably not always so).

We write hear to express our own feelings, tell our stories and share things that altered who we are. We do it for each other. That is, we write and read for each other.

We tell each other things we have never told another soul and never will. We discuss things that matter, we cry while reading and cry whilst writing.

This is a new experience for mankind. There's no true way to say if the relationships online, in such a dire topic as ours, creates a comparably "real" relationship, but it does in fact create relationships.

How many people In Real Life (IRL) can you tell these things to? How often have you worried and cried and felt for an MS brother in pain?

I have (personally) come to a very secure and true conclusion; That the people here are closer to my soul and more dear to my heart than anyone IRL (excluding my children only). Magellan, you know more about me than my children will ever know, as do about 100 other guys here or whom have left.

I've had a hard time "seeing" that these online relationships are in fact real. But thinking about this thread, I have to say they are real, and you (Magellan) are one of those real relationship hubs, and clearly have many many more true friends and relations here at MS.


Edited by Still (01/07/13 10:35 AM)
_________________________
Wishing You Were Here!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

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