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#421242 - 01/06/13 10:31 AM Am I the enemy?
jasondoe101 Offline


Registered: 12/22/12
Posts: 37
I have sexual attraction to young males. Not guys my age (early 30s) or even teens. I just have them. I know a few males in my family have the same but towards females. I often wonder if my abuse and my identity are related or just really bad luck. Fortunately, I have learned that my attractions are alike to drug addiction so I managed to control it by understanding it. It's hard. It's a feat that I have not turn to drugs to cope.
In exchange for controlling it, I have found myself becoming more and more isolated from people my own age. They are getting married, having kids, etc. I haven't even kissed a girl let alone had sex with one. Not to say marriage is a good thing; so many men are miserable in it but I am so unhappy. I feel like the kid in high school who eats lunch alone. It's not fun. I have met a few guys with the same attractions but they are just freaks in the sense that they would fuck anything. I'm not posting this so people can tell me 'it'll be okay' or to see a therapist (which I already do) or to lecture me. I'm just getting it off my chest.

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#421273 - 01/06/13 04:24 PM Re: Am I the enemy? [Re: jasondoe101]
peroperic2009 Online   content
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3612
Loc: South-East Europe
hey Jason,
I'm sorry to hear that you've been felt so lonely and isolated.
I'm happy to hear that you are in therapy because attraction that you are mentioning is more than serious problem.
You told us that you never have had a girlfriend, how about a boyfriend?
Somehow it is difficult for me to get trough your loneliness, especially when you have mentioned that you meet other "freaks" I guess in some search for friendship. I'm not sure that you are aware that trough such search you couldn't find that what you are looking for.

I have some attractions to both sexes equally. But that doesn't mean that I'm looking for some company of friends exclusively based on my sexual preferences, on contrary I have many different friends that are helping me not to feel isolated and like completely left by others. Some are freaks by their strange look, or lifestyles but they are all my friends. Neither of them know that I have daily struggles with some unwanted thoughts and fantasies. So please look how to get out of your shell and to socialize with people around you.
We are far more complex beings to be driven mainly and exclusively by basic instincts, otherwise more than therapy is needed I'm afraid.
keep sharing

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#421278 - 01/06/13 05:29 PM Re: Am I the enemy? [Re: jasondoe101]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5780
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Jason:
You could check out stopitnow.org or b4uact.org . They are familiar with your situation. Please don't act on any of the feelings. I've worked with sexual abusers for for 35 years and I can tell you that it is a major bad career move, not to mention the damage you would do to a child if you acted on feelings.

I hope your therapist is experienced in dealing with sexual abuse. You can get some help from stopitnow but they can't provide therapy, just names of experienced therapists hopefully in your area. Another resource for therapists working with abusers is atsa.com. I know I would rather work with someone who has only thought about abusing before they acted out.

There are those who make the equation that pedophilia is another sexual orientation, like hetero or homo sexuality. I don't think so and most of my colleagues don't either. However, the folks advocating this position like to show that homosexuality was once thought an illness (and some still think that way) and now it is legit as an orientation. My advice, don't get cozy with this crowd or they will convince you that it can be beneficial to the child.

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#421281 - 01/06/13 06:05 PM Re: Am I the enemy? [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
jasondoe101 Offline


Registered: 12/22/12
Posts: 37
Yes, I know that it's not the same as being gay or bi or straight. One of the reasons why I mentioned other relatives is that I believe there might be a genetic piece to it all. I actually have not mentioned this to my psychologist because I do worry about disclosure. I've been seeing him for about two years and I've been developing trust with him. I'm not saying that I don't have other issues besides this. It's a very risky thing to disclose when mental health professionals have so much flexibility in reporting people. I'm crazy but not stupid. There is very little empathy for people with these attractions even when they have not offended.
Besides, I read that there is very little effective treatment for my attractions. I also see a psychiatrist and take anti-depressants.
About those 'boylove advocates': I know they're nutjobs and very dangerous. They've always reminded me of Scientologists. I know who has my best interests in mind and it's not them. I will take a look at those websites though.
Thanks


Edited by jasondoe101 (01/06/13 06:16 PM)

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#421282 - 01/06/13 06:11 PM Re: Am I the enemy? [Re: peroperic2009]
jasondoe101 Offline


Registered: 12/22/12
Posts: 37
I've had sexual relations with men in my early 20s and I did not like it at all. I am definitely not gay. What I meant by 'freaks' is that I've met guys that just wanted to have sex with something and would have sex with anything. I think it's gross.

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#421288 - 01/06/13 06:56 PM Re: Am I the enemy? [Re: jasondoe101]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
Welcome to mS -
I take it you have t lookEd around enough these forums to see a therm of disjointed, confused, and damaged sexuality among us male survivors.

Abstaining from undesired behavior that holds some powerful attraction. Is only half the battle.

The real work is reclaiming our authentic sexuality freel from the abuse negative messages and modeling and obsessions. Use the search function n these forums t o find what others have posted about healing and thriving after years of isolating and hiding out.

There are lessons to be learned by examining out behavior and how the abuse affected us- don't be afraid to honestly look at this important part of your life.
_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

“It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#421305 - 01/06/13 09:50 PM Re: Am I the enemy? [Re: jasondoe101]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5780
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Therapists only report BEHAVIORS not thoughts or feelings. Abusive behaviors that are not involving a specific child cannot be reported. Unless the child is identified, the therapist can't report a crime when the victim is unknown.

That said, I just came across an article about "virtuous pedophiles" tonight. It might be worth reading.

<http://cirrus.mail-list.com/atsa/63810314.html>

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#421322 - 01/06/13 11:33 PM Re: Am I the enemy? [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
jasondoe101 Offline


Registered: 12/22/12
Posts: 37
It was my understanding that if they suspect that you are a threat then they can report you.

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#421372 - 01/07/13 08:45 AM Re: Am I the enemy? [Re: jasondoe101]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5780
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
No act/victim, no report. One can't be charged for thoughts, only behaviors. And, unless the reporter knows who the child is, there is no way to report to child protective services. If I had a client who said they sexually abused a child but I didn't know who the child was, I can't report anything.

It's probably different in matters of national security ("I'm going to blow up a school") in that the police would be interested in an unknown victim(s) to prevent a crime but it can't be done with "So-and-so is suspected (or admitted) to abusing a child" whose identity is not known.

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#421384 - 01/07/13 10:24 AM Re: Am I the enemy? [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
jasondoe101 Offline


Registered: 12/22/12
Posts: 37
I don't know. It sounds all too risky. I'm not sure if it's worth it. From what I read, treating the likes of me is not very successful. Besides, I already think that my psychologist suspects that I am one. I don't know how to talk about it without getting into details. For example, I can't talk about how I was and am in love with someone for the last 5 five years. I can't talk about how I met him, what I felt around him and how I ran off from him because it was too unfair for me and not in my best interest. I could say the wrong thing and get reported. Or my psychologist could do me dirty and do what he can to get me reported.
It's not just about feelings but also about history, people, etc.

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#421401 - 01/07/13 03:06 PM Re: Am I the enemy? [Re: jasondoe101]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
Hi Jason,

I hope this helps a little. I can just offer my experience, listen supportively and offer you encouragement and hope that your life can get better.

I for one (and I know others who'd say this too) am glad you are here and talking about your attractions to children and being lonely and everything else. You are not at all "the enemy". Myself, and many other male survivors I've talked to usually have various aspects of their sexual attractions and behavior that are somehow troublesome. All kinds of stuff--it would be a long list to summarize. It's hard to talk about, and hard to find someone who can listen and be helpful in response. But they are out there. And likely here too.

About "attractions"... Thoughts and feelings don't hurt anyone. I... most men I would guess, have attractions that it would be unwise to act on for some reason or another. Most handle it without the slightest difficulty. You've shown here a definite preference not to act on that. I know survivors with attractions to children they manage so they never risk acting on them. That's really the only choice.

If that's your intention, I think you'll find a lot of therapists who'd be happy to help you work on that. You're understandably worried about reporting. I trained as a sexual assault advocate and am a mandatory reporter when acting as such. (not "off duty" like at a party). I also can tell you, there's no reporting about something that didn't clearly happen, and when you can't identify the exact child who was abused. I've never reported anything but that was our instruction.
Actually, Jason, you have a huge protection here I was taught as well as an advocate but it applies to therapists too. Saying anything unauthorized by you alone about your treatment and what you disclose there that's NOT required by law is a violation of your confidentiality. Ask Ken but that is a HUGE professional violation that every therapist I know takes very seriously. So breaking that confidentiality is no small matter and you should be able to discuss this very straightforwardly with your therapist. My sense is that most therapists are far more worried about serious consequences from breaking confidentiality than from not reporting.

Originally Posted By: jasondoe101
I'm not sure if it's worth it.


I know you're wondering if it's worth talking to your therapist about, but it makes me think of something I've written about and heard come up many times in a support group I lead for a few years... Boys usually don't tell about being sexually abused, or aren't believed or helped if they do. They go silent, and stay silent and become men who've never talked about "it". Believe me, I know there are a lot of after effects.

Since you're just "getting this off your chest". You made a few posts here. Good question. Is it worth talking about "it"?

How does this work? Well, I can just tell you how it works for me, and what I perceive about others.

In short. You have to talk about it a lot. About the abuse, explore all the effects and issues. And get helpful, supportive responses, not stuff that you feel shamed, mis-understood or isolated by. Therapists can be good, but that relationship is more or less not like "real life" which is a benefit and a limitation. It costs money ( a LOT for me) and it's time-limited and only there on a schedule.

Expecting that from your partner or friends is expecting probably, likely too much. It takes a lot of talking and time which probably is burdensome for them. And your relationship with them. And, particularly, if you've not experienced abuse, it can be hard to understand and perhaps frankly, not so interesting to hear about say, 2-5 hours a week. So, they may respond in a not-so-helpful way. They have the same training as everyone in our society about avoiding this subject in all it's details involving sex past and present, same-sex "stuff", etc, etc. Avoiding it just doesn't work.

So, talking to other survivors of sexual abuse works better I think. Not perfect. They tend to understand quickly. Their experiences are often the same, similar or give them insight. That just shatters isolation and feeling lonely from it in time. And shame too ... IN TIME. Both people benefit too, the "listener". Give it time. In three years, I've gotten so I don't much care who knows I was molested. I've talked on TV even a bit. The shame is almost completely gone and totally manageable, minor. Big help. Let's you work with it all and progress. And help others, which helps you too. We need "connection" to others.

Start "talking" , online perhaps, and perhaps in time, find other survivors in your area to talk to in person. Trust me. They are out there, JUST LIKE YOU. I've seen it over and over. It's hard, painful, you don't want to do it, but those who do, stick with it, always seem to say it's SO worth it.

You can do it. Find what help works for you. I can't predict your future, but I hope you are one of us who quickly finds there are ways to steadily make changes for the better. MUCH better. Perhaps more than you've ever dreamed possible.
_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

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#421795 - 01/10/13 07:02 PM Re: Am I the enemy? [Re: jasondoe101]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 287
Loc: MO
Hi Jason,

You are just one of us. It is a struggle for an estimated one-third of all male csa survivors. Some perpetrate, others don't. We do not ostracize those who struggle, nor consider them the enemy.

You suggested it was a good thing that you were using drugs or alcohol to cope. That is so true. But think of your struggle as one similar to getting clean and sober. There is for most of us times when we think about or are temped to drink or use.

I have been sober for 21 years. Just because you can't help thinking about it doesn't mean you have to do it.

But it must be talked about, you have to find people who will listen and help you and support you. As long as you donot act of the temptation you ARE NOT THE ENEMY. yOU ARE JUST ONE OF US. Since I have been on this site I have learnwed we all have a different story, and we all are just the same.

No one requires that you take risks before you are ready. It is your decision. Any of us know what you think, although that may come in time, But you do have power over how you act ansd what you disclose.

Please join us in the struggle.

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#421974 - 01/13/13 10:54 AM Re: Am I the enemy? [Re: jasondoe101]
Ivo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/08/04
Posts: 267
Loc: Germany
I doubt that genetics can be explanation for situation in which you are. Of course genes do influence many things but unfortunately human beings and their behavior is far more complex to be explained by pure genetics.
What you miss is bigger picture. It is almost 100% that you are coming from emotionally dysfunctional family. So basically you are not by accident target.
To fully understand where you are standing you must understand dysfunctionality of your family on one side and psychology of that guy that groomed you (for example you still do not fully understand why he pulled from you when you were 11 and sadly you still believe that his feelings were genuine).
It would be smart to seek professional guidance in those matters, I am not saying that you can be reborn as another person and start new life; but at least to be able to really understand yourself is worth of shot.
Cheers

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#422355 - 01/17/13 09:10 AM Re: Am I the enemy? [Re: jasondoe101]
jasondoe101 Offline


Registered: 12/22/12
Posts: 37
This is so funny that you guys claim to be so open and yet you guys reported me to the moderators for being open myself. LOL!

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#422358 - 01/17/13 09:25 AM Re: Am I the enemy? [Re: jasondoe101]
peroperic2009 Online   content
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3612
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Jason don't be like that.
I don't know who did and what.
I'm glad that we have opportunity to discuss this matter and I'm glad that you are here with us and willing to do something about your attractions.
As I'm concerned such discussion we can proceed trough PMs out of public board as obviously such matter could be very triggering for some survivors....

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#422608 - 01/19/13 12:55 AM Re: Am I the enemy? [Re: jasondoe101]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 609
Loc: one foot out the door
I appreciate your courage, Jason. My issues are not exactly the same as yours but the responses people have given you have helped me. So I want to say thank you for being willing to put yourself out there and allowing this conversation to take place.
_________________________
"These days I just try to keep to myself,
well aware I've lost touch with everyone else.
I understand that I'm fading away."

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#422634 - 01/19/13 12:50 PM Re: Am I the enemy? [Re: Jacob S]
jasondoe101 Offline


Registered: 12/22/12
Posts: 37
Originally Posted By: Jacob S
I appreciate your courage, Jason. My issues are not exactly the same as yours but the responses people have given you have helped me. So I want to say thank you for being willing to put yourself out there and allowing this conversation to take place.

Thanks but it appears that this site is filled with people who are more fucked up than I am!

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#422638 - 01/19/13 01:31 PM Re: Am I the enemy? [Re: jasondoe101]
peroperic2009 Online   content
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3612
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Jason, I'm here for some time and trying to reply on your comment.
I see that you are hurt and angry but that doesn't help. Doesn't help either fact that such talk is not allowed here frown
Please look how to calm yourself...
_________________________
My story

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#424351 - 02/05/13 04:45 AM Re: Am I the enemy? [Re: jasondoe101]
Ivo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/08/04
Posts: 267
Loc: Germany
Originally Posted By: jasondoe101

Thanks but it appears that this site is filled with people who are more fucked up than I am!

Well at least we learned some hard facts about moderators here.

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