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#421242 - 01/06/13 10:31 AM Am I the enemy?
jasondoe101 Offline


Registered: 12/22/12
Posts: 37
I have sexual attraction to young males. Not guys my age (early 30s) or even teens. I just have them. I know a few males in my family have the same but towards females. I often wonder if my abuse and my identity are related or just really bad luck. Fortunately, I have learned that my attractions are alike to drug addiction so I managed to control it by understanding it. It's hard. It's a feat that I have not turn to drugs to cope.
In exchange for controlling it, I have found myself becoming more and more isolated from people my own age. They are getting married, having kids, etc. I haven't even kissed a girl let alone had sex with one. Not to say marriage is a good thing; so many men are miserable in it but I am so unhappy. I feel like the kid in high school who eats lunch alone. It's not fun. I have met a few guys with the same attractions but they are just freaks in the sense that they would fuck anything. I'm not posting this so people can tell me 'it'll be okay' or to see a therapist (which I already do) or to lecture me. I'm just getting it off my chest.

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#421273 - 01/06/13 04:24 PM Re: Am I the enemy? [Re: jasondoe101]
peroperic2009 Online   content
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3568
Loc: South-East Europe
hey Jason,
I'm sorry to hear that you've been felt so lonely and isolated.
I'm happy to hear that you are in therapy because attraction that you are mentioning is more than serious problem.
You told us that you never have had a girlfriend, how about a boyfriend?
Somehow it is difficult for me to get trough your loneliness, especially when you have mentioned that you meet other "freaks" I guess in some search for friendship. I'm not sure that you are aware that trough such search you couldn't find that what you are looking for.

I have some attractions to both sexes equally. But that doesn't mean that I'm looking for some company of friends exclusively based on my sexual preferences, on contrary I have many different friends that are helping me not to feel isolated and like completely left by others. Some are freaks by their strange look, or lifestyles but they are all my friends. Neither of them know that I have daily struggles with some unwanted thoughts and fantasies. So please look how to get out of your shell and to socialize with people around you.
We are far more complex beings to be driven mainly and exclusively by basic instincts, otherwise more than therapy is needed I'm afraid.
keep sharing

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#421278 - 01/06/13 05:29 PM Re: Am I the enemy? [Re: jasondoe101]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5773
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Jason:
You could check out stopitnow.org or b4uact.org . They are familiar with your situation. Please don't act on any of the feelings. I've worked with sexual abusers for for 35 years and I can tell you that it is a major bad career move, not to mention the damage you would do to a child if you acted on feelings.

I hope your therapist is experienced in dealing with sexual abuse. You can get some help from stopitnow but they can't provide therapy, just names of experienced therapists hopefully in your area. Another resource for therapists working with abusers is atsa.com. I know I would rather work with someone who has only thought about abusing before they acted out.

There are those who make the equation that pedophilia is another sexual orientation, like hetero or homo sexuality. I don't think so and most of my colleagues don't either. However, the folks advocating this position like to show that homosexuality was once thought an illness (and some still think that way) and now it is legit as an orientation. My advice, don't get cozy with this crowd or they will convince you that it can be beneficial to the child.

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#421281 - 01/06/13 06:05 PM Re: Am I the enemy? [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
jasondoe101 Offline


Registered: 12/22/12
Posts: 37
Yes, I know that it's not the same as being gay or bi or straight. One of the reasons why I mentioned other relatives is that I believe there might be a genetic piece to it all. I actually have not mentioned this to my psychologist because I do worry about disclosure. I've been seeing him for about two years and I've been developing trust with him. I'm not saying that I don't have other issues besides this. It's a very risky thing to disclose when mental health professionals have so much flexibility in reporting people. I'm crazy but not stupid. There is very little empathy for people with these attractions even when they have not offended.
Besides, I read that there is very little effective treatment for my attractions. I also see a psychiatrist and take anti-depressants.
About those 'boylove advocates': I know they're nutjobs and very dangerous. They've always reminded me of Scientologists. I know who has my best interests in mind and it's not them. I will take a look at those websites though.
Thanks


Edited by jasondoe101 (01/06/13 06:16 PM)

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#421282 - 01/06/13 06:11 PM Re: Am I the enemy? [Re: peroperic2009]
jasondoe101 Offline


Registered: 12/22/12
Posts: 37
I've had sexual relations with men in my early 20s and I did not like it at all. I am definitely not gay. What I meant by 'freaks' is that I've met guys that just wanted to have sex with something and would have sex with anything. I think it's gross.

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#421288 - 01/06/13 06:56 PM Re: Am I the enemy? [Re: jasondoe101]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
Welcome to mS -
I take it you have t lookEd around enough these forums to see a therm of disjointed, confused, and damaged sexuality among us male survivors.

Abstaining from undesired behavior that holds some powerful attraction. Is only half the battle.

The real work is reclaiming our authentic sexuality freel from the abuse negative messages and modeling and obsessions. Use the search function n these forums t o find what others have posted about healing and thriving after years of isolating and hiding out.

There are lessons to be learned by examining out behavior and how the abuse affected us- don't be afraid to honestly look at this important part of your life.
_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#421305 - 01/06/13 09:50 PM Re: Am I the enemy? [Re: jasondoe101]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5773
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Therapists only report BEHAVIORS not thoughts or feelings. Abusive behaviors that are not involving a specific child cannot be reported. Unless the child is identified, the therapist can't report a crime when the victim is unknown.

That said, I just came across an article about "virtuous pedophiles" tonight. It might be worth reading.

<http://cirrus.mail-list.com/atsa/63810314.html>

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#421322 - 01/06/13 11:33 PM Re: Am I the enemy? [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
jasondoe101 Offline


Registered: 12/22/12
Posts: 37
It was my understanding that if they suspect that you are a threat then they can report you.

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#421372 - 01/07/13 08:45 AM Re: Am I the enemy? [Re: jasondoe101]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5773
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
No act/victim, no report. One can't be charged for thoughts, only behaviors. And, unless the reporter knows who the child is, there is no way to report to child protective services. If I had a client who said they sexually abused a child but I didn't know who the child was, I can't report anything.

It's probably different in matters of national security ("I'm going to blow up a school") in that the police would be interested in an unknown victim(s) to prevent a crime but it can't be done with "So-and-so is suspected (or admitted) to abusing a child" whose identity is not known.

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#421384 - 01/07/13 10:24 AM Re: Am I the enemy? [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
jasondoe101 Offline


Registered: 12/22/12
Posts: 37
I don't know. It sounds all too risky. I'm not sure if it's worth it. From what I read, treating the likes of me is not very successful. Besides, I already think that my psychologist suspects that I am one. I don't know how to talk about it without getting into details. For example, I can't talk about how I was and am in love with someone for the last 5 five years. I can't talk about how I met him, what I felt around him and how I ran off from him because it was too unfair for me and not in my best interest. I could say the wrong thing and get reported. Or my psychologist could do me dirty and do what he can to get me reported.
It's not just about feelings but also about history, people, etc.

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