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#421234 - 01/06/13 09:21 AM Appropriate Dinner Conversation
A270465 Offline


Registered: 01/04/13
Posts: 49
Loc: SE Mich
I should say 'Lack of' appropriate dinner conversation.
I feel alone bc my whole life experiences are not something I can discuss "normally" with others. The thoughts I think, struggles I have, places I have been and the things I have seen are all 'inappropriate' to discuss at the dinner table or with family on the holidays or to tuck the kids in with.
Having been forced to drink from the trough of experience so early has skewed my childhood memories. Can only recall the bad stuff.. Hell it has all been bad over 30 years with a FEW elect, select hours, or days maybe as exceptions- most of which get ran over by the intrusive freight train of bad.
Even my career choices have put me right back on the edge of living (on purpose I guess). Leading edge iron work and carpentry place me up high enough where I must survive, but it helps me not think of all the rest... Just the triage of what needs done first.. like dont fall.
I never got to learn right / wrong. Just should / should not.

So do I talk to my family on Easter about rape? About prison? At the dinner table? Crime? Violence? Self hatred? Anger? Traumas? Riots?
Well, thats all I got.
So I remain Isolated and Silent.
Wishing my life were better and that it had provided me with some appropriate dinner conversation or a reason to thank some god for my life and experiences.
_________________________
BrokenLeg@2 EarCutoff@5 RanOver@7 UnanethesizedSurgeries@8 rapedfrom10to11 Dysfunction&Druguse@12 Crime@13 Dotdotdot Violence Jail@18Escaped Prison@19GladiatorSchool Max@20 Supermax@21 HellEnsues THROWNbacktothestreets@26 MarriedWKids@28 HeardofCptsd@33
Seeking help
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#421235 - 01/06/13 09:37 AM Re: Appropriate Dinner Conversation [Re: A270465]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Hello A, it is good that you are here, seeking help in this confusion. This is the right and proper place to bring up these issues until such time as you may be able to talk to your local support about these atrocities.

Till then, post! Every inclination, memory, feelings of unfairness and betrayal, post, post, post. We are as "sick as our secrets", fellow survivor.

I am thankful you found us.
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#421243 - 01/06/13 10:34 AM Re: Appropriate Dinner Conversation [Re: A270465]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1039
Welcome to MS.

There is nothing inappropriate to discuss here. Consider us the dinner party guests you've always wanted.

I'm very curious about learning more about your experience-rich life, even if many of those experiences are painful to recall.

We're a brotherhood here. We've all be raped. You can talk to us here about what you need to.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#421344 - 01/07/13 01:28 AM * [Re: A270465]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 01:55 PM)

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#421361 - 01/07/13 06:27 AM Re: Appropriate Dinner Conversation [Re: A270465]
A270465 Offline


Registered: 01/04/13
Posts: 49
Loc: SE Mich
Thanx all for your words. I am still battling whether or not discussion helps me or not. Usually just stirs up memories or makes me spiral...
_________________________
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Seeking help
And the days tick by all the same

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#421365 - 01/07/13 07:56 AM Re: Appropriate Dinner Conversation [Re: A270465]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Recovery is going to cause a great many feelings, some chaotic, some nauseous, some bitter and some mean to come up. "Sick as our secrets" is a real thing fellow survivor. Until those memories come up and we reason on them, they will react strongly to triggers and will cause all sorts of discomfort.

Still, this is important, when you are ready. Recovery is a many faceted thing, we simply do not know what it will bring up for us, so the important code here is to have a process that calms you and that you are confident in that will help you work through the trauma in your past.

When you are ready. Until then, keep reading, posting, sharing and chatting, you are our fellow survivor, welcome.

Sam
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MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#421402 - 01/07/13 04:06 PM Re: Appropriate Dinner Conversation [Re: A270465]
A270465 Offline


Registered: 01/04/13
Posts: 49
Loc: SE Mich
I can walk through the store or drive down the street and feel like I am the only one there.. Going un noticed (also dont care if ppl DO notice me) Just feels like I am the only person out there who has this absolutely different mindset and view.
Walking walls leading edge keeps me sane, but isnt that just distraction from what I sposed to be "working on"? And what the hell is that anyway... this 'work'? Learned everything I know the hard way.
If no one can relate fully, who do I talk to?
Isolation in the crossbar hilton is sometimes a safer place for me....
_________________________
BrokenLeg@2 EarCutoff@5 RanOver@7 UnanethesizedSurgeries@8 rapedfrom10to11 Dysfunction&Druguse@12 Crime@13 Dotdotdot Violence Jail@18Escaped Prison@19GladiatorSchool Max@20 Supermax@21 HellEnsues THROWNbacktothestreets@26 MarriedWKids@28 HeardofCptsd@33
Seeking help
And the days tick by all the same

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#421404 - 01/07/13 04:52 PM Re: Appropriate Dinner Conversation [Re: A270465]
LazyPirate Offline


Registered: 01/03/13
Posts: 106
Loc: Ontario
I have never been able to talk to anyone face to face about the pain in my life. Even when I was in therapy we never really did get heavy into the gory details... Just sort of skimmed over them. When alone with most people, I find I have nothing to say. When I'm in a crowded room I feel like I'm from another planet & just don't belong.

But in the few days since joining this community I find I have a sense of peace after spending time on here, reading, posting, etc. All the medication, coffee & cigarettes in the world can only do so much for me... But being here seems to give me something else.

So glad you are here too.
_________________________
The Bluebird of Happiness long absent from his life, Ned is visited by the Chicken of Depression. - Gary Larson

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#421411 - 01/07/13 06:07 PM Re: Appropriate Dinner Conversation [Re: A270465]
A270465 Offline


Registered: 01/04/13
Posts: 49
Loc: SE Mich
thx pirate.
all the alcohol, rx and coffee I can consume still dont make me feel real or somethin... thx for the input.

Never had a sense of peace
_________________________
BrokenLeg@2 EarCutoff@5 RanOver@7 UnanethesizedSurgeries@8 rapedfrom10to11 Dysfunction&Druguse@12 Crime@13 Dotdotdot Violence Jail@18Escaped Prison@19GladiatorSchool Max@20 Supermax@21 HellEnsues THROWNbacktothestreets@26 MarriedWKids@28 HeardofCptsd@33
Seeking help
And the days tick by all the same

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#421474 - 01/08/13 06:54 AM Re: Appropriate Dinner Conversation [Re: A270465]
A270465 Offline


Registered: 01/04/13
Posts: 49
Loc: SE Mich
Sam.. I wish i had a process that calmed me as you say.
There is a sense of hopelessness deep in my foxhole that tells me there is no calm, only breaks between crises. Its like I eagerly await the next one cause its gonna happen, it always has b4.
Im not a defeatist, just a realist.

What is brotherhood? May sound sarcastic, but I only know how to walk alone. Unfamiliar with anything else.

Sure feels like I am a drag 2 talk to!
_________________________
BrokenLeg@2 EarCutoff@5 RanOver@7 UnanethesizedSurgeries@8 rapedfrom10to11 Dysfunction&Druguse@12 Crime@13 Dotdotdot Violence Jail@18Escaped Prison@19GladiatorSchool Max@20 Supermax@21 HellEnsues THROWNbacktothestreets@26 MarriedWKids@28 HeardofCptsd@33
Seeking help
And the days tick by all the same

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#421487 - 01/08/13 09:38 AM Re: Appropriate Dinner Conversation [Re: A270465]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6401
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
I read the thread-title and let-out a loud "HA!" If I was drinking milk, it would have blasted through my nose.

Table talk....nice-talk...."how are you Rob?" In my mind I say (HA!!! Trust me....you don't want to know....cuz you can't handle it and you dont care). "Oh...doing super...how about you."

The problem is, I don't get invited to ANY (as in ANY) family functions anymore (post disclosure)...and I never did talk about it at ANY family functions. They are quite safety-oriented in constructing pre-emptive walls.

Thank God we can say it ALL here!
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#421564 - 01/08/13 08:01 PM Re: Appropriate Dinner Conversation [Re: A270465]
DannyT Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 402
It helps me to realize that everybody has problems they can't share at the dinner table or at family gatherings. It's not just us.

The difference is that most people have a broader range of things that can occupy their mind than we do, especially when we're first dealing with the abuse or if it is still the forefront of our minds.

IN a way our experience of abuse becomes so totally present that nothing else can get in.

Try to see the truth in the fact the everyone has deep issues they can't openly speak of. Then let the dinner conversation carry you out of your own problems even if it's just by listening deeply to what's being shared. One of the hallmarks of healing is being able to get caught up in the simple things of daily/family life again, like "normal" people are able to do.

We all have to try to make life safe for each other by finding common ground we can talk about that lets us know we care about each other without stirring up emotions we can't bear to feel.

Sometimes it feels fake to try this, but it's not really.

I had a friend who said she hated the fact that when people ask "How are you?" they mostly want a positive (to her empty) response, like "I'm fine." What she didn't realize is that the "I'm fine" response is actually really important. It's says, we're all able to handle it, whatever comes our way.

Getting through a family dinner has that power, too. It's important to be there for each other, supporting the positive energy.

Then you can use a place like this site to really get out the hard stuff. Eventually the hard stuff gets easy enough that friends and family can hear the story too.

I hope that's helpful,

Danny

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#421572 - 01/08/13 08:25 PM Re: Appropriate Dinner Conversation [Re: A270465]
traveler Online   confused
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3373
Loc: somewhere in Africa
sometimes you just have to suck it up and blather about inconsequential things - news events, books, movies, somebody else's kids or job or new car or whatever. it's part of the "social" expectations. even if you don't care - the only way to survive is to pretend to. one think i have found helps is askiong questions - people love to talk about themselves - and think you are a great person for being so interested. and it gets you off the hook of having to say much yourself! once in a great while - it even leads to a more meaningful exchange.
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#421589 - 01/08/13 09:04 PM Re: Appropriate Dinner Conversation [Re: A270465]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
About two weeks after I disclosed to my parents, we were all having a big family dinner: them, my wife and I and the kids, my sister, brother-in-law, their kids, and his parents.

Mom got drunk and started talking about how kids were never safe anywhere and you can't protect them. And that my 9-year-old nephew is "too beautiful" to be safe in a sleepaway camp. Because you never know where your kids aren't safe.

My wife held BOTH my hands, under the table, as I sat there a mute prisoner waiting for my fucking drunk mom to "out" me to my sister, her husband, in-laws, NONE OF WHOM ARE AUTHORIZED.

Fortunately she must have thought she made her point because she shut up. No one seemed to get it. I hope.

No it is NOT dinner conversation.
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My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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