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#421165 - 01/05/13 09:09 PM Re: I don't want a divorce--she does [Re: fhorns]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Alfred

I hear you.

((((((Alfred))))))

puffer

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#421166 - 01/05/13 09:16 PM Re: I don't want a divorce--she does [Re: fhorns]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 288
Loc: MO
fhorns

YOU ARE ANGRY she is defended. She is too buzy justifying why she is right and you are wrong to hear.

You are having so much pain you want to focus on the hope that she will accept you, caress, reassure you, validate your needs and your presence. I don't see that happening.

I was three years sober, in cognitive behavioral therapy {weekly for ever) and she wanted me out of the house. We had tried couples therapy for a little over 6 months. At the end of it she said she didn't understand what the therapist said. We agreed on a six month separation, punctuated by monthly "dates." Also the youngest was still in the house so I visited him every week, usually not even see her. At our second date, she asked what nI was doing, I said that this is what we agreed to, trying this for six months. Forget it, there is no getting back together. So I drove her back home and that was the end of it.

So you can see my experience is not positive in this regard. But I agree with you. She is not caring for you, she is disrespecting you, and no matter how many time you say you quit trying, you have not surrendered. You hold on, hope against hope that she will not abandon you. The child within can't tolerate this.

But, still you want it to return to the way it was three years ago maybe. Not going to happen. The relationship has been going down hill since before she set up a separate bank account. It hasn't gotten better. But you still hang on.

Have you thought that God heard your request for help and thought that you needed to leave not put more energy into this downhill relationship. Again I am biased. That may not be how your God acts.

We are here with you for what ever that is worth. But this pain your in is so much what made the child within vulnerable and unsafe.

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#421167 - 01/05/13 09:19 PM Re: I don't want a divorce--she does [Re: fhorns]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3621
Loc: South-East Europe
I'm so sorry that you are felt so isolated, lonely and not seen.
Must say that those are some of the most hurtful feelings for me and I never know how to deal with it.
One buddy showed me yesterday this short movie about love, don't know if it could help but I have need to share it here:



Keep searching how to come to her...

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#421177 - 01/05/13 10:19 PM * [Re: fhorns]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 01:51 PM)

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#421179 - 01/05/13 10:32 PM Re: I don't want a divorce--she does [Re: fhorns]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 695
That video is worth watching....again, and again, and again.

I get in that loop sometimes...and the more I stew it, the more my bitterness GROWS. Absolutely grows.

I was praying (actually venting) to God tonight: "where are YOU? I thought you had my back..." Pure steam.....which just grew. Nothing changed in me for the better. My anger just grew.

It's (figuratively) like a campfire which I like to be around. Look, if I throw this twig in, it'll get hotter.....cool, (I've got some power now). Let's try this...and this.....cool....(feeling more powerful now)....

Get the picture? Anger's like that for me. The video was a good warning.

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#421190 - 01/05/13 11:33 PM Re: I don't want a divorce--she does [Re: fhorns]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 695
To illustrate,

I'd turned my phone off since I wanted to pout/stew/vent....and keep her OUT. It's been about 5 hours.

I turned it on, and she'd texted me to call her 2 hours ago. I did, she'd needed something (which I was too late for), she'd managed, but I apologized and admitted I'd been in a bad mood--thus me turning off the phone.

She accepted and appreciated me telling her (I think), but communication--to me--is very very good. She's not there for me at all, purposefully, most days.

Maybe this is what Pero was talking about when he proposed seeking a way to approach her: I don't let her know, directly, how I feel. It's too risky since she shuts down, blows me off, gets busy, etc.

Silence/distance is one way to communicate my unhappiness.......though it's often tainted with revenge.

But.....it worked. How might I communicate effectively with her when I'm seeking her attention? That's my question.

How'd you guys work/not work it out?

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#421208 - 01/06/13 01:27 AM * [Re: fhorns]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 01:52 PM)

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#421214 - 01/06/13 02:08 AM Re: I don't want a divorce--she does [Re: fhorns]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 695
To be honest..........no. I haven't. Why?

Because I (don't know where it comes from but I) tend to be very explicit, mean, exact......finding what's really hurting me.

Maybe.....I'm just afraid. We used to have a journal in our bathroom given to us for our wedding. It was for the purpose of communicating stuff, feelings, disagreements, etc., stuff out of the norm. I'd be pissed at her, be up late........and write her...........

Gary, I'm....kind of scared to write like that again to her. I read my old writings a year back, and....I was no more than 6 years old writing her. I was saying basically "mommy, you hurt me". Then I'd vent in my harmful anger since........she didn't meet my childhood needs.

It hurt reading it since my anger was "bullyish", so totally unearned by her. She's not "mommy". Got any ideas on that?

Feeling small thinking of it. My little boy felt hurt, I wanted/pleaded/demanded that "mommy" fix it.....and since she wouldn't/couldn't, pouting would lead to more anger coming from me. And me acting six is her main motivation for keeping distance from me right now and the last year. She so doesn't want to be "mommy" to me. It was a major turnoff to her--literally.

I'm dumping. (Thanks)

I almost pushed "submit" and thought "I so don't want to share this"

Thanks for asking.

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#421348 - 01/07/13 01:39 AM * [Re: fhorns]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 01:55 PM)

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#468449 - 08/03/14 11:13 PM Re: * [Re: fhorns]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 695
Just an update. I started this post in 2011, chased my wife for 3 years, but.....it didn't happen. She wanted what she wanted. To be a proud ********. Will save my words there.

She divorced me in May of this year. Tonight I started my survivor story, and it was mainly about her. I labelled it Part 1. It felt good dumping it. It felt good!

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