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#377968 - 12/03/11 03:53 PM Re: I don't want a divorce--she does [Re: fhorns]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6855
Loc: USA
Remember the movie The Gladiator ( think that's the right movie)? the opposing forces were lined up against each other. Each man behind a shield and with a sword and spear.

Ok with that mental image, imagine a husband and wife lined up in that kind of gear, sword and shield and spear, and ready to communicate (!) OK now hug while holding your shield and spear and sword. hug (?!! eek ).

Puffer


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#378127 - 12/04/11 02:36 PM Re: I don't want a divorce--she does [Re: fhorns]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: fhorns
...Am I missing something?

Alfred


Alfred,

You can always come here. What your going through is tough...you can do this.

Avery

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#378203 - 12/04/11 11:24 PM Re: I don't want a divorce--she does [Re: Avery46]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 666
Thank you Avery. I will.

Puffer, I didn't get what you probably meant. I haven't hugged my wife in almost six months, so the message wasn't caught. Sorry. I'm skeptical about her actual openness, but I'll move forward anyway.

Alfred


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#378209 - 12/05/11 12:01 AM Re: I don't want a divorce--she does [Re: pufferfish]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6855
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: pufferfish
Remember the movie The Gladiator ( think that's the right movie)? the opposing forces were lined up against each other. Each man behind a shield and with a sword and spear.

Ok with that mental image, imagine a husband and wife lined up in that kind of gear, sword and shield and spear, and ready to communicate (!) OK now hug while holding your shield and spear and sword. hug (?!! eek ).

Puffer

Sorry It wasn't clear.

I meant, how can you talk to someone or hug someone if they're holding a shield and a spear. If you're both wearing a shield it can't be a very intimate hug I guess. But holding a shield and spear means that the persons are enemies. It means that they have animosity toward each other. Hence they can't be loving.

Puffer





Edited by pufferfish (12/05/11 12:21 AM)

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#378217 - 12/05/11 12:29 AM Re: I don't want a divorce--she does [Re: pufferfish]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 666
That made perfect sense Puffer.

I'm seeing my own walls up so high (aka shield), so it comes across as BACK OFF. I try to keep my walls/shield down......but it doesn't last long.

I'm going to say something strange now. My whole marriage my wife has hidden her first impulses...reactions...so she could play the good wife. I'm actually RELIEVED at her honesty. It's seen when I'm neutral, or set back, like now. I am grateful she's at least being honest. I LOVE complimenting people for their emotional honesty. (could I.....do it to her? not sure how to ask for help....though I have possible ideas....) Thanks for stirring my thinking Puffer.

Alfred


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#378550 - 12/07/11 09:19 AM Re: I don't want a divorce--she does [Re: fhorns]
creyes99 Offline


Registered: 11/14/11
Posts: 66
Loc: Indio, CA
Alfred, I know what you are going through because I'm going through the same thing myself, except I'm still in the house. All I kow is that we have to keep listening, really listening, to what she is saying. I don't know if that helps or not. I do know thats its hard as hell to do, because we're on the lookout for what we WANT to hear and it drowns out what she's saying. Keep at it friend, I'm praying that you guys make great progress and save your relationship. It's hard, I know, but just deal with today, don't think about tomorrow. I hope that helps.


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#378945 - 12/10/11 07:59 PM Re: I don't want a divorce--she does [Re: creyes99]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 666
Edit: my main point is in the last paragraph.

Again, I almost posted this in F&F:

I wonder "what does a husband look, act, or feel like?" I've treated women like they were the teachers of men. I was raised without any adult male role models. I've "expected" them to show me these things.

The catch: ......... I feel like a little boy around my wife. I am attracted to female power figures. She's spoken how it disgusted her when I'd act like a little boy in one minute, and then start giving her sexual messages. Yeah, I did that.

I'm wanting (not really) to dismiss my want of her.........but she's a stranger to me. She separated herself from me a year or two back, using separate bank accounts. So, she had these thoughts for a long time. Every time I'd ask for a sharing of our budget, she'd give the>


Edited by fhorns (12/10/11 08:02 PM)
Edit Reason: truth came late

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#421149 - 01/05/13 05:57 PM Re: I don't want a divorce--she does [Re: fhorns]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 666
TRIGGER TRIGGER

Relational stuff not pointed to anyone here. Venting out feelings from other relationships. I'm b**tching







help help help help.

I've got little hope in asking for help from anyone....anywhere. everwhere I reach out I expect "grow up. you're doing it wrong"


I'm sick and sick and sick and sick and sick and sick of being dismissed............ignored.................devaluead........................I want someone who'll look me in the eyes for more than 5 seconds before running away...........phone, our daughter.....anyone/anything else.......


how the F*** do I "hang in there"? HOW?

I'm sick, tired, wanting to give up..............nobody cares it seems....and this isn't even about abuse stuff...........


I've got noone who cares it seems.........

I believe I'm supposed to hang on.......for WHAT??? For freakin' WHAT???

I'm supposed to wait on someone to care........she's ICE. ICE COLD.......stone dead........like it gives her comfort ignoring me......

I want to QUIT.......quit caring. ....quit BSing myself.....like it's some faith I'm FAILING at once again...........she doesn't care.....neither does God..................F*** him...


I'm SO FRICKING TIRED OF WANTING/WAITING/TRYING/TEXTING/ASKING/CARING/WANTING/WISHING.

SHE DOESN'T. SHE DOESN'T. SHE DOES NOT...........(anything..fill in the blank).......

noone cares. Not God. I thought he cared too. I thought he did. NOONE cares... Noone.

Love is sick here. Asking to be vulnerable around her shuts her down, repels her, disgusts her..........AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

WHY? WHY? People in all their wisdom push me to "grow up".............sorry.......I don't/won't/cant'. Everytime I choose to I'm pushed down again..............ignored...................left with the message "You're not good enough".......

AAAAAAAAA

God/people/anyone is not here.......and I'm SICK SICK AND ANGRY OVER TRYING AGAIN.............

dO NOT tell me in an angry male way to GROW UP. SHOW ME. GDammit, if there are no MODELS, then shut the f*** up!!! If rejection is at the core of being grown up, then f*** all who have that sentiment!

If telling everyone else to F*** off is part of growing up, then................am I on my way.................F*** OFF!!


Just a little boy rant. I have NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO idea how to love someone who figuratively says to me "f*** off. Go away".


i have no help, at all.................no hope in my trying continually. i want to quit.......

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#421151 - 01/05/13 06:15 PM Re: I don't want a divorce--she does [Re: fhorns]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
ALFRED!!!!

It is SO good to have you back in MaleSurvior, you have been sorely missed dear friend.

I too wanted a role model, there is no all-in-one model I am afraid. I learn some from him, some from them and a bit from her. It is a puzzle that we should not have to be trying to put together decades later.

It does suck, it is excruciating, anyone telling you different is selling something. Love you little boy, tell him he is doing his best and I for one am SOOOO proud! Oh and let him swear, not just the *** swear.., go out and make a sailor turn red and dive into the ocean!

Keep ranting, we are only as sick as our secrets fellow survivor. McDonald's fries have NEVER tasted the same since Florida.

Have you considered going to a Weekend of Recovery?

You cannot know how good it is to see you! laugh

SamV aka sasuva
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#421152 - 01/05/13 06:31 PM Re: I don't want a divorce--she does [Re: fhorns]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 666
I read old messages in this post.................gggggggggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

She has no idea...no idea..........she doe NOT care WHAT'S ON MY MIND..........I'VE QUIT TRYING.

I walked out of her room yesterday.....she'd offered to listen since I huffed...she noticed and asked what was on my mind....I told her I was sick of not having any help (with our daughter). I walked out while she started to speak.........since as usual her remarks were about my errors.......f*** her........ hear my distance........feel my abandonment.......feel my pain...............

or GO TO HELL..........


Why.....why.....why won't she hear me? WHY?????!!!!!!

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