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#421333 - 01/07/13 12:31 AM Re: What makes you unable to give and receive love? [Re: love]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
Originally Posted By: love
How did you learn as an adult?

With infinite patience, compassion of love from two women - my grandma and my girlfriend (who later became my wife and the mother of my child). And LOTS of therapy (CBT).

Originally Posted By: love
Why hurt another in the first place?

I don't know.
Because it's all we've ever known. We don't know how to be kind.
Because we believe that we are evil, and if you believe it enough, you act it. And hurting you reinforces that belief.
Because the alternative - being vulnerable - is just to frightening.

And then there is a thing called "splitting" - seeing the world in black and white. It is a symptom of BPD but I understand that it is also something that can occur in people who are not quite diagnosable with BPD. If you hurt me, whether intentionally or not - you instantly become evil and I can no longer remember anything good about you. I lash out at that evil person, determined to hurt and get my revenge, determined to protect myself from further hurt by driving you from my life. Then you break down and cry and say you love me, and suddenly you are good again. I can no longer remember anything evil about you and I am terrified of you leaving me because I cannot live without you...

I hate you... don't leave me!

Yes, love - the pain and remorse for hurting you is real. It feeds on his self-loathing and feeds into his self-loathing in turn, creating a vicious cycle. When he hurts you cries out of remorse but also because it confirms that he is as bad as he things, and that is incredibly painful. I'm not sure how, or even if, you can break that cycle without professional help.
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

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#421343 - 01/07/13 01:27 AM Re: What makes you unable to give and receive love? [Re: love]
EagerLearner Offline


Registered: 01/04/13
Posts: 16
Loc: Midwest
Originally Posted By: love


How do you feel about never have spoken to someone you've known for so long over the phone? That's a long time!


Sometimes it makes me really sad that I've never even heard his voice. I used to get angry and frustrated. There are so many things that just can't be expressed very well via text. Sometimes we would have misunderstandings because something that was said was misinterpreted and that only fueled my fire making me wish we could just talk on the phone. I would keep asking and he would keep pulling away. He told me that I was making him feel like a jerk because he couldn't give me what I wanted. And I didn't understand why it was such a big issue to talk on the phone. I didn't like arguing with him though, so I tried to stop asking.

A part of me was hurt that he didn't seem to want to even hear my voice. I cared about him a lot and the things he said sometimes made me think he cared about me too. But I thought if he really cared about me, wouldn't he want to do this, what seemed to me to be, small thing? I think I'm starting to understand better though. I asked him tonight if talking on the phone made him feel like he didn't have control and he said it made him feel really vulnerable. I feel like I'm finally coming to understand.

I'm not sure if we will ever talk on the phone or meet in person, but I can say that getting to know him has changed me. I think it has made me a less selfish, more compassionate and understanding person.

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#421431 - 01/07/13 10:47 PM Re: What makes you unable to give and receive love? [Re: love]
frankie72 Offline


Registered: 11/23/12
Posts: 32
Loc: Australia
To me, love is something that was tainted from an early age. The violations were all because my abuser "loved" me.

I have probably only truly loved about 3 times in my 40 years, as far as I can relate to the feeling. Each time brings about fears of rejection, abandonment, the wanting to trust.

If I do trust the person enough to open up, I break down all my defenses and it ends up leading to them not understand, not being able to cope with my emotions, and eventually them leaving. In the process it leaves me a complete mess, my emotions raw, reverting to self harm, thoughts about suicide as a means to no longer have to feel, and then having to put the pieces together on my own.

Once again the cycle repeats until i am stupid enough to let someone else in.

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#421445 - 01/07/13 11:27 PM Re: What makes you unable to give and receive love? [Re: EagerLearner]
frankie72 Offline


Registered: 11/23/12
Posts: 32
Loc: Australia
Originally Posted By: EagerLearner
Originally Posted By: love


How do you feel about never have spoken to someone you've known for so long over the phone? That's a long time!


Sometimes it makes me really sad that I've never even heard his voice. I used to get angry and frustrated. There are so many things that just can't be expressed very well via text. Sometimes we would have misunderstandings because something that was said was misinterpreted and that only fueled my fire making me wish we could just talk on the phone. I would keep asking and he would keep pulling away. He told me that I was making him feel like a jerk because he couldn't give me what I wanted. And I didn't understand why it was such a big issue to talk on the phone. I didn't like arguing with him though, so I tried to stop asking.

A part of me was hurt that he didn't seem to want to even hear my voice. I cared about him a lot and the things he said sometimes made me think he cared about me too. But I thought if he really cared about me, wouldn't he want to do this, what seemed to me to be, small thing? I think I'm starting to understand better though. I asked him tonight if talking on the phone made him feel like he didn't have control and he said it made him feel really vulnerable. I feel like I'm finally coming to understand.

I'm not sure if we will ever talk on the phone or meet in person, but I can say that getting to know him has changed me. I think it has made me a less selfish, more compassionate and understanding person.


It is likely that by texting, there is a level of disassociation over having to talk to someone, either over the phone, or in person. It gives a sense of anonymity, even though he is opening up to you. To actually hear your voice may make it too personal for him. He has trusted you enough to talk to you about his issues, but he may feel by speaking, you will be able to hear his hurt, his shame, and all the other negative elements.

It may just take more time for him to feel comfortable moving to the next step communicating with you. Just be patient and don't try and force him, otherwise he is likely to retreat.

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#435558 - 05/23/13 11:21 AM Re: What makes you unable to give and receive love? [Re: love]
IrisHashiba Offline


Registered: 05/16/13
Posts: 10
Thank you for posting this. I'm currently in love with a man who has trust issues. Sometimes it feels like I'm banging my head against the wall because I can tell he still has trust issues.

It's difficult accepting the fact that he struggles with BELIEVING that I love him. Sometimes people's reality are so intensely woven by their subconscious and insecurities that NOBODY can prove it otherwise.

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#435731 - 05/25/13 03:59 AM Re: What makes you unable to give and receive love? [Re: love]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1990
Loc: durham, north england
I think Candu summerized my position best.

As far as I know, there is no problem with me giving and recieving love, indeed I've always felt that I wanted to, but the problem is nobody ever wants that sort of closeness with me.

I know my genophobia causes problems, but were I actually in a loving relationship with someone that is something I believe could be gotten around simply by giving me a different deffinition of what s/x meant, ie, another way of loving another person rather than the humiliation I've experienced up to now. Or to put it another way, the emotional and spiritual (if you want to use that word), communicative experience of love would let me approach the physical as an extention of that experience.

However, obviously nobody wants this sort of communication with me, so never mind.

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#435797 - 05/25/13 08:52 PM Re: What makes you unable to give and receive love? [Re: love]
pittsburgh Offline


Registered: 05/26/11
Posts: 89
Loc: west Chester, Pa
Great question, I believe in my case it was trust, I didn't know what it was from home, just did not see and there was no emotion, closeness. When "it" happened after that I just could not and did move close to anyone, after all they might find out or break a trust. I had three failed marriages, I now see I just did not understand true closeness or love. I now have found a women who is also a survivor she understood my issues better than I did of myself. She had five years with a "T". I now have three years. What a difference. Oh yes we are now married for two years and talk very open about what happened and the problems it has caused. It takes professional help and a willingness to change things, We all deserve better.
_________________________
it is and has been quite a trip thru life, as last I feel that I am in a better place, it takes work and in my case a wife the was and is forgiveing and helpful. At last a relationship has gone right, messed up three.

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