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#42091 - 12/05/03 04:48 PM Just scared of everything now
Leosha Offline

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
been having so much body memories for few days now, and they are not of the sexuall abuse, they are of things my father woud do to me to punish me when I was child. Always, he would tell me he will make 'man' out of me, that men can take any pain, and he would put so much at me, could not cry or pull away of it, or he will do worse. Been feeling him hurting me, burning, other things, bad things in bad places, not wanting to be in my body, making me crazy. been taking the medicine for panic, one is not helping at all, other one, newer one I get, it make me feel sick, but maybe it help some, so keep taking it, more then I normal would. Haven't slept in two or three days, do not know really. Don't recall most of the week. Have burn on my arm, don't know how it get there, or when, if I do it or is accident. Been sick, so sick, feeling weak, bones hurt. Feel frezing cold, but have fever, headache, dizzy. Did go to clinic yesterday, they do lab test, it is not bacteria they say, so no antibiotic. But was dehydrated agin, IVs again, they mention hospital again for blood pressure I guess. Not remember any of it, only what Susanna tells me of it all. Feel like it must be feeling to die, just like am disappearing of myself. Will have to see him agin next week, when I take student to competition. Scared so much of it. Don't know how to feel better of anything. Not been here, I know, I am sorry I do not respond here this week. Right now, there is something that make it feel unsafe even here. I do not know how to make myself right again.


Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

#42092 - 12/05/03 06:01 PM Re: Just scared of everything now
crisispoint Offline

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts

I read your other post and this one today. Please don't measure yourself by the wrongs that others do to you.

You are valued.
You are loved.
You are strong.
You are special.

You're all those things to me and everyone here.

Feel the love and compassion here. I would NEVER lie to you.

Love you, brother. Be strong.


There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

#42093 - 12/05/03 07:06 PM Re: Just scared of everything now
BT Offline

Registered: 06/25/03
Posts: 388
Loc: Chicago IL
Leosha, You have to continue to do what you have done before. Take one hour, one day at a time. Stop, breathe, know the guys here will help you and see you through.

You are an awsome and amazing man. You have and are continuing to overcome so much. You have and continue to accomplish so much. Remind yourself of the good things.

Remind yourself of your kindness, of your love, of your caring for others.

Search out within you those things that make you feel good and hold on to them and don't let go.

Reach out to your friends, hold them and don't let go.

Life is a good thing. Hang on.

"Everyone is entitled to their opinions and it is not my job to change their mind." Dali Lama

#42094 - 12/05/03 09:32 PM Re: Just scared of everything now
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan

You are a strong and brave man. Remember that.

We care about you, we value your input and caring.

I wish you well in getting through this current situation. I'd bet that sentiment goes throughout this site and beyond, because you are a special and caring person with a heart of gold.

Take care,

Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong


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