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#420825 - 01/03/13 11:31 AM do you ever have the desire to go to the location?
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 592
do you ever have the desire to go to the geographical location where *it* happened?

I'm a highly spatial person. I organize my life and my memories in terms of location.

I had this memory of an event around 5th grade and a place and I couldn't put my finger on where it was. Because of that, I thought maybe I was making it up. There are a lot of memories that I question the reality of.

But a while ago I decided to go to Google Earth and just see if I couldn't make some sense of what I remembered. I know, that sounds like a shot in the dark. But I have a very good innate sense of geography and as I let my brain wander down the roads of my childhood I came upon a house that struck me as *THE* house.

About the same time, a friend of mine and I did some research into the person who I believe hurt me in 5th grade. I gave my friend that man's name. She was able to find his real estate records and gave me the address of the house he had lived in that year. When we typed that address into google maps, guess what . . .

It was the same house.

In retrospect, of course it was. But to me at the time it confirmed to me that I had not just made it up. If I had made it up in my imagination, my brain would have found a house that fit my story, not the facts. Because I didn't go looking for his house -- I went looking for the place where I had been hurt and what that backyard looked like. I let my brain tap into the location where I believed something happened, regardless of whether that location made any sense. So when my memory matched the written records, it was incredibly affirming to me. Its something I still use to help me remember to trust myself and my intuition. I don't know if I am explaining it well.

I want to go there. Specifically, I want to go into the shed in the back yard. I have driven by the house (its about a half hour from where I live) but don't worry, I'm not in danger of acting out. Its a desire but not one that is worth getting caught over. He doesn't live there anymore, but relatives of his do and the whole thing would be unexplainable.

I have thought about the why. I think I want to know if going into that shed might clear up my memory, help me see things clearer. It won't happen, but I do think about it from time to time. I guess what I am wondering: is that desire common? Do others have curiousity in revisiting places where traumatic events occured, either to help them sort out memories or for other reasons?

Thanks for reading.
_________________________
Like a spent gladiator
crawling in the colosseum dust
who can count on his remaining limbs
all the people he can trust.
Like the one who stands behind him
cheering him on
Estatic when he stands defiant,
wild with abandon when he's gone

just stay alive.
do whatever you need to.
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#420837 - 01/03/13 02:25 PM Re: do you ever have the desire to go to the location? [Re: Jacob S]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 695
Loc: Southeast USA
Yes! I also think spatially and have a geographer's mindset. I've visited through Google Earth, ArcMap GIS, county aerials, and Bing bird's eye view map tiles.

One day, I want to go back in person. I want to see where I carved

... --- ...

into a wooden beam. I carved it just for fun. I think.

Will
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-Signs and traces left in stone
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#420846 - 01/03/13 03:58 PM Re: do you ever have the desire to go to the location? [Re: Jacob S]
Ohio Offline


Registered: 06/16/12
Posts: 35
I've went back to the place where it happened to me. I was hesitant at first and didn't know if the father of the boy who perpetrated me knew what had happened between us, but I went anyway. I went upstairs to where it happened and it brought back alot of feelings for me.I didn't have much time to look around cause the father of the boy was up there with a couple other people. I have went back there though.

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#420847 - 01/03/13 04:25 PM Re: do you ever have the desire to go to the location? [Re: Jacob S]
CloudyFalls Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/18/12
Posts: 168
Loc: Ohio
I live where "it" happened, so this never even crossed my mind. I never even thought of this, maybe simply being in my room is a horrible trigger of it's own. But right now I have no choice, I live with my parents and I have no money and no job. Stuck living everyday in the same place I was abused. Even sleeping in the same bed I was abused in night by night. Maybe that's why I'm in an intrinsical cycle of thinking that never gets anywhere. I get so anxious and just uncomfortable whenever anyone comes in my room, even if just for a second. I should talk to my therapist about this...
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#420851 - 01/03/13 04:41 PM Re: do you ever have the desire to go to the location? [Re: Jacob S]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1560
I had to go to the place of the abuse to bury my Mom--the church. It has impacted me immensely. I went a few days prior to the funeral with the help of a priest currently at the church (he was wonderful and compassionate)--through the church and to the cellar where it happened. It broke my heart and the memories were so vivid. I made it through the funeral and thought maybe this will help with the healing. I was good for a short period of time but the memories kept playing over and over from the triggers that raised the abuse through the many acts of abuse--it plays like a movie no longer snapshots of the abuse. I had two fugue episodes since that time. I hope the pain and reliving will bring healing but I am not sure. It brought back the emotions and visceral feelings of the abuse. So if you go, be careful, none of us know how it will impact us--for me I know and could not have imagined it would be this painful.

Cloudy Falls--I can only imagine the pain you live with each day in the place of the abuse. Keep well

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#420870 - 01/03/13 06:32 PM Re: do you ever have the desire to go to the location? [Re: Jacob S]
LazyPirate Offline


Registered: 01/03/13
Posts: 106
Loc: Ontario
Yes... I have thought about going back to where it all happened. In my case it was a tree fort in the back yard of the older boy who molested me. What a trip that would be.
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#420872 - 01/03/13 06:47 PM Re: do you ever have the desire to go to the location? [Re: Jacob S]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6376
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
If I may...try taking a look at it on google maps or google-earth first.

If the satellite view stabs yer heart, don't go in real life. IMO
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#420907 - 01/04/13 12:34 AM Re: do you ever have the desire to go to the location? [Re: Jacob S]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
I've never been back to our house, or to the block of flats where my foster parents used to live.

Going back to my old school to look at yearbooks and find photos of me, was bad enough. I stood in the office and remembered the many times I was sent there to be disciplined... and all I could think of is why did no one ever bother to ask why I did the things I did? Could no one see how much pain I was in? How could they just keep punishing me without even trying to dig deeper?

** trigger warning **

I walked through the school and I remembered trying to arch my back so that my shirt wouldn't stick to the raw wounds on my back where the previous night's chosen weapon had cut through my skin, or the burn marks from so many cigarettes. I remember trying to find a way to sit on those hard chairs that didn't hurt, after being raped the night before. I remembered sitting there, wondering if the other kids could tell that I sucked my foster father's dick the night before...

** triggers over **

I had to fight to stay present.

If going to the school I used to attend was so triggering, how could I ever handle going to the house/flat where it actually happened? I don't think I could. I can only admire those of you who have had the courage to do that.
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I guess what I'm trying to say
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Living is the best revenge
You can play
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#420913 - 01/04/13 02:01 AM Re: do you ever have the desire to go to the location? [Re: Jacob S]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 592
Thanks for the responses, guys. I feel a lot less weird about it now that I know its not that unusual.
_________________________
Like a spent gladiator
crawling in the colosseum dust
who can count on his remaining limbs
all the people he can trust.
Like the one who stands behind him
cheering him on
Estatic when he stands defiant,
wild with abandon when he's gone

just stay alive.
do whatever you need to.
you are worth it.

Top
#420917 - 01/04/13 02:25 AM Re: do you ever have the desire to go to the location? [Re: Jacob S]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3600
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Jacob S I think that recently was there similar post like yours, even link to google map was given leading to the "house".

I've become member here last year and shortly after that I've started therapy.
First time when I was visiting my home I was looking with uneasy in direction of hill above my town where we as children used to play and where certain things have happened. But after some time I managed to look on and I even searched some known places and meadows.
During Christmas holidays I was visiting my hometown again and with my father made huge walk and we went near.
I've give now even more detailed look and from near. Place has changed a lot because of intensive digging works in quarry in last twenty years. Top of the hill is missing now. I've looked and I decided to take picture of current look, I know that in some future terrain could change even more and somehow I wanted to save it on photo.

So you are not alone with this!

Pero
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