It is very good that these secrets you can speak are finding their way to this healing community. "We are as sick as our secrets" in that this illness will keep us from a good quality of life. Everyday IS difficult when a survivor has to face these questions, but how good is it that you can finally speak the pain and anguish that is in your heart!?!!
The chaotic, negative thoughts of rejection and abandonment are common in survivors Ohio. Please know that as you consider the fears behind the abuse, be determined to heal so that you can remember the joy of yourself in confidence and in your marriage. It IS difficult to believe the abuse happened, don't be discouraged.
"I just have a hard time excepting what happened to me, but is also having sex with the perpetrator make you gay in anyway? " First, you did not have sex, the abuse was done to you. You had no choice, you did not consent. You have the same responsibility if a bear were to maul you at your mailbox, would you be responsible? Heck no. Our bodies betray us however. Sexual manipulation in abuse does create certain arousal. The act of sex in abuse is stimulating. We can have feelings that are similar to the act of sex but these are not because we want them or are seeking them, but because the body reacts to that stimulation in exactly the same way. The abuse does not dictate who were are, what we want or need nor does it explain anything.
Abuse was done to you.
Keep recovering, even if recovering today means that you will stay in bed with the covers over your head. You are very worth it. There is nothing for you to be ashamed of, although most survivors feel that shame. Keep posting, keep considering, keep asking.
My best to you,